Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Three Blind Rodents And Other Things

Most semi-sentient Americans with an Internet connection, or a library card, knew that Donald Trump has been a lying criminal National Enquirer sleazebag for decades. What a surprise to find out that goober doesn’t have a little president’s hat. Or functional cap. It is an impressive collection of hats, though. Every large inebriated polar bear I’ve ever met in a …


Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Too Good

You get an email. “To all employees. You’re all doing too good. Knock it off for crissakes! We’re getting killed. If you people sell 10 more product things and/or doodads this month, we’ll have to close the doors. Not literally the doors of the building, Larry. Somebody go talk to Larry. I suppose they will get locked though. Anyway. What …


RON SCHALOW: Do Not Resuscitate

Fair warning: If the topic of suicide is a touchy one for you, it would be best to read something else. Not long ago, I was watching a medical drama called “Chicago Med” on Hulu. It’s not a show I would seek out if it had 324 commercials. Pretty average. Anyway, a man and a small child were wheeled into …

RON SCHALOW: Duh Don Trump (DDT) Concentrated

Just in the last seven to 10 days, a sampling of DDT: We’re shooting tear gas canisters at kids. That’s a thing I haven’t seen since the last seriously raucous protest. I guess civilians have been dodging that poison for a long time. Maybe advanced photography makes the current scene more surreal. Something about this time seems extra evil. Here …

RON SCHALOW: No, I’m Not Surprised

“Is anyone surprised by this?” It’s one of the most-used phrases on social media when the news pertains to Trump, It’s easy and always applicable. Would anyone be surprised by the possibility of the following?: “I got an A-plus for my handling of Hurricane Maria, but some low-energy losers blame me for people dying on Porto Recliner. A lot of …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Calls His Right-Wing Terrorists To War

Last week, our president stated the following: “These people, like the Antifa — they better hope that the opposition to Antifa decides not to mobilize. Because if they do, they’re much tougher. Much stronger. Potentially much more violent. And Antifa’s going to be in big trouble. “Because if you look, the other side, it’s the military. It’s the police. It’s …

RON SCHALOW: Does North Dakota Really Need Rob Port?

“Does North Dakota Really Need Democrats?” read Rob Port’s headline on the Fargo Forum’s Sayanythingblog. At first, I hoped he didn’t waste a lot of time coming up with that stupid question. Then I realized the Port is probably one of those stable geniuses who ask stupid questions. A game-changer. Let’s discuss this. First of all, is it Democrats like …

RON SCHALOW: Politics Of Race And Fear Gave Cramer The Win

There were plenty of reasons that would provoke a normal North Dakotan to vote for the bigoted puffy suit of peacock feathers known as Kevin Cramer over the impossibly more competent, intelligent and productive Heidi Heitkamp. Mainly it was the letter behind Heitkamp’s name that was a provocation. Cramer had no record, so he relied on the letter “T” for …

RON SCHALOW: Blogger Without A Cause

“If Heidi Heitkamp loses, what is Forum columnist Rob Port going to write about over the next six years?” — Jim Shaw It’s always the kids who suffer the most unless they’re surrounded by metal chain-link fencing which is as insufferable as it gets according to senator to be Kevin Cramer an expert on child confinement for some reason. After six …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Approves All Trump Messages Or What A Fool Believes 

“A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” — Alexander Hamilton Years ago, when walking down Main Street in Minot — it’s really on an incline — I regularly saw an unfortunate man with baggy gray pants and suspenders who angrily yelled at parked cars. Had I promised to support anything the short old man said or did, …

RON SCHALOW: Heidi Kicks Kevin’s Butt

Executive Summary: Heidi Heitkamp walked over Kevin Cramer like an Irish setter wearing spiked golf shoes Friday eve. But all you get when that happens is a deflated, puffed-up bantam rooster, which makes for little more than a lumpy throw rug with a weak mind and sweaty palms. “Smirky” claimed to be for civility in politics, while his roly-poly role …

RON SCHALOW: Super Crump Bred To Scare Gullible White People Out Of Their Bejeebers

And some of their money. Bejeebers can be had for a small bag of low-quality spring garage sand. No dust will be accepted until further notice. GEORGE SOROS BUYS MONTANA!!! Kevin Cramer has sold himself as the thrift-sized Donald Trump. He has also taken the Cult45 oath and gently handed the rose to a forever blushing Donnie T. So there …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Calculates 10 Percent Slogan Edge Using Magic Trump Math

One of the features of Trump University alternate mathematics is the ability to optionally count invisible people, a revolutionary new system of viewing numerals and other math adjacent quotients. Kevin Cramer evidently clicked on “other.” Anyway, on a  nationally broadcast political show, Showtime’s “The Circus,” Cramer told John Heilemann “… if it happens that Donald Trump is right for North …

RON SCHALOW: Forum Endorses Cramer, Apparently Under Duress

So, the Forum editorial board has decided that the 2019 Sears catalog cover boy, Kevin Cramer, is the best choice for the U.S. Senate, rather than the suspiciously superior Heidi Heitkamp. The decision is not a surprise. The board always find a way to placate ownership and endorse the Republican candidate. It’s their prerogative. Some poor sap had to type …

RON SCHALOW: Kevin The Debate Smirker

The congressman stood behind the podium talking in circles, grinning like a meerkat pup that just got the better of his first scorpion, and the crunchy bugger would make a fine breakfast burrito. Then, the smug miniature mongoose of the desert smirked, smarmed and sniggered for 60 minutes after the meal, as is the custom of his holy family. That …

RON SCHALOW: Lies, Lies And More Lies

According to the almanac, this is Rob Port’s 715th Heitkamp lie, which I believe beats Basil Ruth’s record. Basil had good run, but was forced to join the circus last year. Rumor, from one of my anonymous sources, suggests that Port was smiling during the abduction but refuses to lift things. Anyway, Sen. Heidi Heitkamp ran an ad, an open …

RON SCHALOW: Congressman Changes Name To Kevin Kanye Trump IX

“Where are the Cool Ranch Doritos?” barks Donald Trump. “This is the worst disaster in the history of disasters. Maybe ever.” “Bottom left drawer.” “Oh, thanks, Eyebrow. I wonder what other presidents used this drawer for? Probably alcohol and cocaine powder. This country is a mess. Obama must have been one lubed up skinny Kenyan from shithole Africa, believe me. …

RON SCHALOW: But Kevin, What If It Was Your Daughter?

Based on his related comments, it’s hard not to imagine a Kevin Cramer conversation with a sexual assault survivor that doesn’t go something like this. A Cramer-related female rushes in the front door, and yells, “Father, er, sir, I’ve been attacked.” Cramer doesn’t look up. “Who are you?” He continues smiling down on a photo of him trying to give …

RON SCHALOW: All Of The Things I Don’t Remember

Caution: Some meandering ahead. I believe Dr. Christine Blasey Ford because I can see, hear and comprehend sincerity. It isn’t a tough call. As for this Brett Kavanaugh character, he has a disposition that would embarrass a Rottweiler. All that snarling would get irritating after about 10 minutes. I’ve seen his type before, and they usually screwed me out of …

RON SCHALOW: Why Do Kevin Cramer And Cronies Detest Females?

The regular Kevin Cramer hijinks and loathsome burbs is required writing because the belligerent stupidity is such great fun to opine. After the stomach stops churning. I mean his last gullet convulsing diatribe, on the attempted illegal something versus the completion of an illegal something equals Q was brilliant in it’s combative contempt for women, girls and sanity. I assume …

RON SCHALOW: The Old Men And The Sea

Saltwater. So abundant. For decades, child global cartographers have gone bonkers when the blue crayon became a nub before ever even getting to the Tropic of Capricorn. Some wannabes outside the map colorization community have suggested that we might be dealing with multicolored gulfs, epicontinental seas and fjords. Purists consider this train of thought to be pure madness. The oceans …

RON SCHALOW: Puffy Prairie Portweasel Flip Flops On Pea-Brained POTUS

When you’re the most influential political blogger in North Dakota — just ask him — a columnist for the mighty Forum Communications Company, reigning Miss Congeniality of the Sam Adams Alliance awards and winner of the Americans For Prosperity Award for Online Excellence, you’re always under tremendous pressure to come up with new and thought provoking ways to stick a …

RON SCHALOW: Lord Of The Lies — Fargo 2.0

Donald Trump was in Fargo. Again. It was his second visit since June 27, but this time it was to raise money for Kevin Cramer, who is getting shellacked by Heidi Heitkamp in the dollar department. This time, though, he only spoke for about for about 30 minutes. Much of it was pure bullshit, but the small crowd, including a …

RON SCHALOW: Legendary Liar Returns To Trumpsylvania

Donald Trump has been to North Dakota more often than Kevin Cramer has held an in-person town hall in Fargo, the frightening land of several liberals. Or, as Rob Port, Cramer’s stress ball, would describe these lib%$#@’s; they are all Heidi Heitkamp operatives. Very sinister. The status of these libs is so secret, even they don’t know they are on …

RON SCHALOW: Citizens Changing Wills At Rapid Pace

Attorneys across America are reporting a brisk uptick in business as clients rush to request the absence of Donald J. Trump at their funerals. Most are insisting that all caps be used in the codicil. The trend is the same at LegalZoom\ and other do-it-yourself websites for wills and other documents. John Suh, CEO of LegalZoom said, “Our Last Will …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Goes Into Full Trump Racist Mode

Aristotle wasn’t privy to modern science, but he contended that people from nations outside of Greece were inferior in a number of ways to the native Greeks. Many of the outsiders ended up as slaves, so I doubt their opinions were taken into much consideration. And don’t get me started on the whole mess with the Moors, Sephardic Jews and …

RON SCHALOW: The Traitor, Tariffs And Toddlers

“SHUT UP, Stan, or I’ll do something drastic, you meathead” screams Orville. “Another one, bartender.” Stan stands by a stool for a minute, to let his eyes adjust to the low bar lighting. He sits and says, “I like where your head’s at, Orv. Preventative attacks never turn out bad. I’ll take your spasm under advisement. How many quarts of …

RON SCHALOW: Continued Kid Cruelty, Cowardice And The Kook

“All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.” ― Tennessee Williams Children are still in cages, kennels, internment camps, or otherwise incarcerated. The tragedy is not over. The horrific news keeps coming. It’s still wrong. It’s still barbaric. It’s still cruel. Where are the kids belonging to the adults? In many cases, the parents, and our government, have no …

RON SCHALOW: Fargo Heat Strokes, Lies And Videotape

Prior to President Trump’s visit to Fargo, I took a shot at guessing what he might say at the rally for Kevin Cramer, who got three minutes of mic time and an awkward bro hug. My predictions; followed by the real deals. “Heidi? Where’s Heidi. What the hell are we doing here, if she doesn’t even show up! Who?” “Isn’t …

RON SCHALOW: The Land With Two Brains

If Donald Trump had walked into a Minot working man’s bar before he became a fancy pants, popular stream of consciousness screamer, he would have ended up in the dumpster, with appropriate discoloration, in under 30 minutes. No self-respecting patron of the bar arts in the Magic City, would suffer a loudmouth, self-aggrandizing, lying dick for very long. Experienced drinkers …

RON SCHALOW: The Congressman With The Chain-Link Head

When I was a youngster, chain-link fencing started to pop up on a few yards on south hill in Minot. I remember thinking, “Gosh, I hope no kids get trapped in there.” Then I saw the gate. They all had gates. What a relief. Easy egress. These were a noncage fences. Now, when I was at the zoo in Roosevelt …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer’s Caging Of The Lambs & Silence Of The Trump Cult

That rumble of keystrokes you hear on horizon is the sound of every North Dakota GOP official pounding out a condemnation of President Trump’s new barbaric policy of taking children from their parents and securing the tykes in cages. You won’t see that use in the chain-link fence catalog. Wait, nope. It’s just that stupid building climbing raccoon. Gawd. I …

RON SCHALOW: American Horror Circus Arrival Imminent

So,  the well endowed Mar-a-Lago mermaid is coming to Fargo to scare the immigrants. That’s just perfect. Personally, I can feel an orange gelatin evil in the Force. And I’m not even one of those little green dudes. I’m just happy to know that Mark Hamill has enough cash to get by. Anyway, the Mar-a-Lago manatee will be in town …

RON SCHALOW: Of Course, He Did

Well, at least he didn’t kiss the brutal dictator on the lips and/or grab him by his small organ. That’s something, I suppose. He didn’t sniff Kim’s butt, as far as we know. The action is tough to translate. Instead, our president just slobbered up a storm and beamed radiantly like a teen dork picking up his best girl. This …

RON SCHALOW: When Comes The Last Straw?

Personally, I am unable to speak to very many people, from the moral ground. I won’t put a percentage to it. It might be in the teens. I can usually spot my few lessers, if they still go out in public. I’m like Trump in that respect. As he said,“I think within the first minute, I’ll know. Just, my touch, …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Says Farmers ‘Don’t Have A Very High Pain Threshold’

Gutsy move. “North Dakota farmers looking for answers amid tariff uncertainty,” is the title of an article posted  Thursday afternoon by GrayDC. Google the title to see the entire story and video. The bad news “Worst case scenario, you could see farmers losing their farms,” said Jeff Mertz, president of the North Dakota Grain Growers Association. Mertz is in Washington …

RON SCHALOW: Kevin Stands by Tractors

Recently, the Kevin Cramer for Senate campaign released what they named the Tax Cut ad. He voted for Donald Trump’s tax cut scam, and Sen. Heidi Heitkamp did not. This situation requires a new blue-collar shirt and a pair of campaign dungarees. So, we see Kevin strolling through a farm equipment manufacturing plant. That was his first mistake. Cramer’s role …

RON SCHALOW: Tears Of A Clown Lover

Is the picture above worth a thousand words. Maybe. Kevin Cramer’s face is worth a thousand of something. “But Donnie brought me to the prom, and now he’s standing with that short red-headed vixen,” is likely what he was thinking. The photo was taken May 24, 2018. I’ll explain why that matters in a bit. Personally, I never want to …

RON SCHALOW: Prevaricator Port — Featuring New Lies!

To review: Rob Port is a blogger. It’s his calling, I guess. And Port writes plenty of things that just aren’t so. Fictional, as the English language puts it. I assume he tells the same stories on the radio, but the pitch of his voice makes my toenails recede. Furthermore, Kevin Cramer’s loyal basset hound is not an expert on …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Mimics Trump — Lies Like a Pro

It’s been quite an effing darn protracted loopy eon since “quick-draw” Kevin Cramer pushed all of  his chips onto the fuzzy orange rectangle. Except for the one he ate. It was an odd casino. He’ll tell you that they were communion wafers. KC is religious, he’ll casually mention it, 3,000 times. But they were Cool Ranch Doritos, the most narcotic …

RON SCHALOW: Kevin Cramer’s Criminal Choice 

There are many public servants and oil executives to blame for their silence but only Kevin Cramer, Mr. North Dakota way, thinks he deserves a seat in the United States Senate. So, he has to answer for his failures. “It took “more than 1,000 firefighters from 80 different municipalities in Quebec and from six counties in the state of Maine” …

RON SCHALOW: Poor Paranoid Lying Port

My buddy, Rob Port, used the coveted space for his Sunday column to set up a hypothetical Festivus pole, air his grievances and sob over his keyboard. My sources say he paced in the hall for a solid 45 seconds before getting winded and falling into a heap of self-pity. The feats of strength portion of Festivus was canceled, due …

RON SCHALOW: Port And Cramer — Making Collusion Fun Again

I bought a gizmo that is supposed to drive away vermin by emitting a super high-pitched sound. I wanted a herd of hard-partying ants on a sugar high to take a hike. Or take a long walk off a short pier, like my uncles used to tell me on a regular basis. It’s undignified to live with insects that strut …

RON SCHALOW: From Adultery To Zinke

Holy moly, where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday, Ryan Zinke was on North Dakota soil. Yes, THE Ryan Zinke. I still shiver at the thought. The ethically challenged secretary of the Interior — most in the Cabinet are corrupt, so it’s no big deal — was smack dab in Grand Forks, to fire up the Republican …