Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Republicans Are Working Against Our Future

A weird child tells Piers Morgan the darndest things about his just-funny-to-him meeting with Prince Charles: “I think I was yeah, we had a great conversation and it was about you would call it climate change but yeah I think we had a very very good conversation.” — Donald J. Trump We “all” call it climate change, Fonzie. Global warming is …


Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Cramer’s 2014 Coverup

Sen. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., has been doing a splendid job in his efforts to help his sociopathic low IQ pagan idol, President Trump, with tariff boy’s coverup, and there is a good reason why. He’s practiced. Cramer has put in the work for whoever puts the sparkle in the eye of his inner hyena. A year ago, Kevin was proudly …


RON SCHALOW: N.D. Legislature Moves To End Bakken Train Explosions — Albeit By Accident

Congratulations are due Reps. Jason Dockter, Craig Headland, Michael Howe and Todd Porter and Sen. Dwight Cook, who all had the hindsight to propose a tax incentive bill that might draw companies to the Bakken to buy all of our gases — the ones cooked into our sweet luscious crude. To buy less than 100 percent of it would be rude. …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota Delegation’s Oil Pipe Dream

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee’s office recently received a terse letter from Sen. John Hoeven, Sen. Kevin Cramer and Rep. Kelly Armstrong, the most powerful set of unrelated triplets in North Dakota. The crowd roars. I don’t think Inslee honestly gives a rip, but he might admire their optimism. The super important envelope is surely somewhere on the governor’s desk, likely …

RON SCHALOW: The Fictional Senators Of North Dakota

“Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.” — Charles E. Weller, who authored the words to be a typing exercise. Many times I hammered out that seemingly patriotic sentence on an old clacking Smith Corona during typing class in the 10th grade, not once without peeking. Currently, I couldn’t tell to you …

RON SCHALOW: We Can’t Put This One Behind Us

At present, I’m getting outwitted by a militant parade of drunken white walker zombie ants. Collectively they might have a comparable number of brain cells to what I’m currently sporting, but who knows? I don’t know how the wattage works between species. Anyway, there could be a googol of the nosy insects in their Casselton, N.D., colony and the “Mad …

RON SCHALOW: A Shame And A Sham

That’s what Rob Port called a meeting at Standing Rock because it mildly illuminated his bigoted opinion of the Native American voting experience. A shame and a sham. On April 16, this happened: The Congressional Subcommittee on Elections held a Field Hearing: Voting Rights and Election Administration in the Dakotas. That’s how they billed it. The subcommittee also went to …

RON SCHALOW: This Is The Worst Reality Show I’ve Ever Been In

It’s terrible. The president is an asshole and his poll numbers go up in unison with his every act of ignorant cruelty. That’s one of those “known knowns.” And maybe, “known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.” And I thought Donald Rumsfeld was a dick. Now, this odd character just entered. …

RON SCHALOW: Port Is A Liar And Gum Sticks To Your Hair

Rep. Ruth Buffalo doesn’t report to Rob Port. “She refuses to speak on POVnow’s show, or at AM 1100, or with Rob Port because she said they’re not journalists seeking the truth, they’re personalities pushing agendas.” — C.S. Hagen, HPR Unless he has a dog with no self-respect, nobody reports to Rob Port. I believe it’s because he’s a creep that …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Suing WA To Keep Explosive Bakken Oil Trains Rolling Through Seattle

“North Dakota’s oil regulator (Lynn Helms) is planning to sue the state of Washington if it goes ahead with a proposal to reduce the volatility of Bakken crude oil transported by rail, saying it is not supported by science and would devalue the product.” — The Columbian. “Helms also wants the North Dakota Legislature to add $500,000 to a litigation fund …

RON SCHALOW: The NDGOP Cares About Kids And Other Laughs

The party of cutting funds for Special Olympics was so worried that a kid might ingest an edible form of medical marijuana, it ixnayed some of the most useful ways to help people in distress. Opponents expressed sincere concern that a chocolate chip cookie, baked with love and marijuana, would attract children, and the next thing you know, you’ve got …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Law Will Give Gun Industry Government Protection

A little over a year ago, 17 people were gunned down at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. Most of them were teens. Within the last two weeks, two young survivors of that attack have committed suicide, as has the father of a Sandy Hook Elementary School (Newton, Conn.) shooting child victim. All of this death. The …

RON SCHALOW: Abortion Pill Reversal Law A Scam of Misinformed Consent

“You create a law based on no science — absolutely zero science.” — Dr. Mitchell Creinin, OB-GYN; NPR March 22, 2019 I am not a woman, so I have no idea what it would feel like to even ponder the prospect of terminating a pregnancy. And neither does North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, who disappoints me once per week and signed …

RON SCHALOW: Mr. Marcil, Tear Down Port’s Hate Speech Wall

Unless Forum Communications has some bizarre legal stipulation on page 63 of a contract with “a blogger” whereby FCC has no control over anything related to Sayanythingblog and Rob Port, a Minot legend for refusing to shovel his socialist sidewalk, then pay attention. Undiluted Hate Wall “Homosexuals corrode society from within and their degenerate heads deserve to be swinging at …

RON SCHALOW: Is Rob Port Really A Cambodian Water Buffalo?

We can’t discount the possibility. I know you’re saying, “I wouldn’t read his shoe size.” Or, “Who cares about Rob Snort,” but somebody has to keep an eye the scamp, so he doesn’t totally get away with personal shots of venom. Like his sucker punch of Jim Shaw. Shaw’s Saturday column in the Fargo Forum was an unambiguous middle finger …

RON SCHALOW: Bismarck Grabs More Local Control

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to choose. So far, because the Legislature said so, no city can conduct a gun buyback, set a minimum wage, take a pistol from a depressed man, ban plastic bags or hold a gay pride parade. The last one is still on their wish list. Kevin Cramer’s office calls every day to complain …

RON SCHALOW: Holier Than Thou, Part One

Our tattered blue laws have been a topic of biblical proportions in Bismarck, at least for the lawmakers with the highest morality index numbers, as determined by them. They number more than you think. Frankly, I don’t care if 98 percent of businesses were locked up on Sunday, or any other day of the week. Wednesday puts out apathetic vibes, …

RON SCHALOW: Legislative Road Apples

Liberty is not wearing your seat belt now. Not wearing one last month paled in comparison to the rush you get today. Just in case you were unclear as to the rules of liberty. I guess I was unclear about it, but some eloquent legislator said it was true. It seems like a low bar for liberty. I don’t know …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Legislator Makes Nicholas Kristof Squeal

Rep. Luke Simons is perturbed to peaches. His House Bill 1381 aiming to permanently disallow any North Dakota city or one man’s last stand to form a government, from initiating a gun buy-back, ever, was called stupid by lots of people, including me, but this is the jab that got the young lawmaker worked up: Nicholas Kristof, a columnist for …

RON SCHALOW: A Cramer Replica

Fear not, if you were worried that Kelly Armstrong’s feet wouldn’t be small enough to fit into Kevin Cramer’s shoes. The wingtips feel fine. No room for growth, so perfect. Like Cramer and many others in his party, Armstrong will follow Donald Trump into the always popular “obese size” executive time tanning bed slash toaster oven to retrieve an unknown …

RON SCHALOW: White Nationalists Of North Dakota Beware

White nationalists and their ideological cousins on the far alt-right won’t like this. As climate change projections for North Dakota have shown, the state will warm; we’ll have enough moisture. Not so bad, eh? We’ll be an island of relative calm, at least in the early stages of warming, if we don’t immediately act to remove the excess greenhouse gases …

RON SCHALOW: There’re No Guns In Baseball

The gun activists in North Dakota are feeling the cattle prod after losing out on carrying a sidearm to “99 percent of everywhere” due to the unpatriotic nay votes in the Commie Republican Legislature. The guy who publishes the MinuteMan Blog is really steamed. How dare a legislator vote closer than usual to their conscience or as their constituents want? …

RON SCHALOW: Who Is The Loneliest Patriot?

This one has been in crisper for weeks and it still feels fresh to me. So the great patriot whips the bag of snacks to the ground, stomps the delicious Doritos into dust, then pours a can of motor oil on the mess. Because a kooky bill didn’t pass. “Is there any patriots in the North Dakota House? This pro-gun …

RON SCHALOW: Known Suicidal Citizens Allowed To Keep Guns

I’ll repeat that for the hard of listening. Known Suicidal Citizens Allowed To Keep Guns. Our Legislature voted down the “Public Safety Protection Order Bill.” “The ‘Public Safety Protection Order Bill’ (aka a Red Flag law) allows law enforcement or family members to petition a court to temporarily ban someone considered a danger to themselves or others from possessing guns.” — …

RON SCHALOW: Nullification Of The Future Directed At Fargo

Two bills aimed right at Fargo. Hardly a liberal oasis, but frightening enough that some paranoid lawmakers feel a firewall is needed to prevent any progressive action on the things they hold dear. Keeping workers poor — and guns. Any brand, weight or color. Any size, grip or muzzle. And don’t you forget it! Kevin Cramer was in Fargo without …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. House Bill 1160 Protects Gun Buyers From Discrimination

There used to be a bar in Minot called Tiny’s. A little shack of a place across from the fairgrounds. It might have been a tavern,  a pub or maybe just Tiny’s. Anyway, it was claimed that Tiny, who did in fact exist, did not allow anyone under 25 into his place. That was the word. He just didn’t like …

RON SCHALOW: The Republican Big Lie For 2019 Is Socialism

They don’t know the meaning of socialism and they don’t care what it means. Furthermore, they don’t want to learn the truth and they’ll label any Democrat they target with the American swear word, which will probably be the whole party. This isn’t the social media clods tossing around the socialist, communist and Marxist words to troll the libs. This …

RON SCHALOW: The Braveheart Of Bismarck

So, in the early half of Sunday the 10th, doctor and Rep. Rick Becker posted a meme on Facebook. Memes are evidently photos that convey what you’re thinking but could never find the words, or ever thought of one. Like a greeting card that punches you in the balls. Or provides a message of affirmation, whether you want one or …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Uses Federal Reserve To Launder Money

“How did you do the laundering, Mr. President?” “You see that? Pimento loaf-face press hack just harassed me. I, Donald J,  like the word jay. Trump. It’s the most shameful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life, and nobody knows more about shameful things than me, believe me. Tremendous high ceilings. It might be the most shameful thing ever, some …

RON SCHALOW: ND Legislature Bans Global Warming, Regulations And Elephants

(Satire) “Before the elephant gets in the room, we should make the room elephant-proof.” — Rep. Luke Simons, Bastiat Party (Not Satire) And I think that’s good policy for any room. Who wants an elephant in your room? Have you ever seen the size of those beasts? They’re enormous. And the aroma in close spaces would be unpleasant to the …

RON SCHALOW: Oil Companies Aren’t For North Dakotans To Love

Suddenly, we’ve seen multiple bum-kissing letters-to-the-editor for big carbon. It was the oil tax thing that got them going. The North Dakota Republicans voted to let big oil keep the gift of a lower tax rate that they maniacally bestowed on the impoverished industry when the R’s slipped the dollars past the goalie in last days of the 2015 session. …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota Needs A Red Flag Law To Prevent Suicides

The unburied lede. The close relationship between guns and suicide is a fact. It has been my experience that when the topic of suicide and guns comes up, anywhere in the universe, the way-not-like-me people have all suddenly scored a 63 percent Smith and 19 percent Wesson on “23andMe,” so they feel related to the object in some odd way, …

RON SCHALOW: Are Casualties Acceptable In Your Town?

Last June (2014), North Dakota Gov. Jack Dalrymple called disaster agencies and emergency personnel together for a “tabletop exercise” to practice a response to a possible Bakken oil train derailment, and the subsequent explosions. They estimated there would be more than 60 deaths if such an incident occurred in Bismarck, N.D. (65,000 pop.) or Fargo, N.D. (110,000 pop.). — Prairie …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Gun Fringe Yells NO To Saving Lives

Not on their watch, by golly. Panic has set in with a small dish of the loudest North Dakota gun extremists. They felt a paranoid twinge and immediately turned up the dial on the “what don’t you understand about ‘shall not be infringed?’” It’s not unusual. Many the hobby or ideology winds up with fanatics on the fringe. Most North …

RON SCHALOW: Mid-January Punditing

Since the Fargo Forum’s shill for the overdog and slacker political pundit, who refers to himself as a humble observer and the most influential political blogger in North Dakota, isn’t being humble or most influential, he obviously isn’t up to his own hype and requires a hand. Need an example? “Port: State lawmakers should be wary of their own revenue …

RON SCHALOW: T-bones Will Outlast Us All

It’s getting a little chippy out there in Forum letters-to-the-editor land, regarding the delicious bovine’s monster recurring donation to the greenhouse gases mix. Miracle meat or not, cows and other farm animals emit methane. The kangaroo does not, I understand. And methane is 30 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a heat-trapping gas. So, there’s that. Hell, in North …

RON SCHALOW: White Male Victimization Anxiety Epidemic Fades

So what happened to the women haters who had a crush on the rabidly unconventionally handsome Bret Kavanaugh and slithered into the slimy pits to smear a sexual assault survivor? Are they taking a break? The Men’s Rights Movement, a lot like the mildly obese Donald Trump finding too many pieces of chicken in the bucket, is back to a …

RON SCHALOW: 2019 In Trump Years

Later this month, Donald Trump tells Justin Trudeau to keep those low IQ Canada geese on his side of the loser border. “Or what?” asks the Prime Minister. “We’ll hit them with the tear gas, that’s what, junior. No, wait. I’ll have them lined up and shot. Did you hear that, Trudy? We’re going to shoot them with our guns. …

RON SCHALOW: A Small Pile Of 2018

Because I can’t stop clicking on Amazon ads with pictures of things I don’t recognize, I know what more things look like than I did last year, which only counts for tots. I spotted the “Future Fork” that is not for eating future meals, as it turned out. It’s a modern, I guess, pitchfork/shovel for moving manure. Amazon recommends that …

RON SCHALOW: Are AR-15s the New Cadillac?

Only 25 percent of Americans own a gun and just 3 percent of Americans own half of them. Some of folks own an AR-15 or a dozen. And a number of owners feature their AR-15 on their Facebook page. “They just look scary, you stupid lib$%&# snowflake cuck.” Anyway, back when cars didn’t all look alike, the across-the-street neighbor with …

RON SCHALOW: Three Blind Rodents And Other Things

Most semi-sentient Americans with an Internet connection, or a library card, knew that Donald Trump has been a lying criminal National Enquirer sleazebag for decades. What a surprise to find out that goober doesn’t have a little president’s hat. Or functional cap. It is an impressive collection of hats, though. Every large inebriated polar bear I’ve ever met in a …

RON SCHALOW: Too Good

You get an email. “To all employees. You’re all doing too good. Knock it off for crissakes! We’re getting killed. If you people sell 10 more product things and/or doodads this month, we’ll have to close the doors. Not literally the doors of the building, Larry. Somebody go talk to Larry. I suppose they will get locked though. Anyway. What …

RON SCHALOW: Do Not Resuscitate

Fair warning: If the topic of suicide is a touchy one for you, it would be best to read something else. Not long ago, I was watching a medical drama called “Chicago Med” on Hulu. It’s not a show I would seek out if it had 324 commercials. Pretty average. Anyway, a man and a small child were wheeled into …

RON SCHALOW: Duh Don Trump (DDT) Concentrated

Just in the last seven to 10 days, a sampling of DDT: We’re shooting tear gas canisters at kids. That’s a thing I haven’t seen since the last seriously raucous protest. I guess civilians have been dodging that poison for a long time. Maybe advanced photography makes the current scene more surreal. Something about this time seems extra evil. Here …