RON SCHALOW: Lately In Trump Dakota

Like the humble Rob Port, who brags that his defunct blog was “part of the fabric” (Only argali wool thread for Rep. Rick Becker) of “politics in North Dakota,” the unassuming Donald Trump also can’t be steam-cleaned out of the democratic socialist manufactured couch sitting by the capitalist Coke machine in the breakroom of our socialist State Mill.

That’s because North Dakota GOP members incorrectly thinks the soft-handed Golden Barrel cactus is just like them. And they are the exclusive ones in the state who can detect stoic Trump’s sadistic genius and modest ways — like Haley Joel Osment — so the gullible Bastiats, white nationalists and the high IQ QAnon should not be surprised that Donnie T is surprised that he got nicked for soliciting campaign interference from a foreign government, as opposed to one or more of the dozens of flashier high crimes in the queue.

“Frankly, I think he’s a little surprised it’s the Ukraine thing that’s done it,” observed one of the 400 White House leakers who will bitterly do anything for a government job. And liquor. Jim Acosta only suggested drinks. He never told Deep Liver to eat the zebra mussels with gnu au jus, so the hallucinations and seizures aren’t on CNN.

But Trump is right. You would need an 18G spreadsheet to merely list all of the charges he could inevitably face on a future rap sheet, and shady Donnie knows it.

Consequently, he’s throwing Trumpian tantrums — his default behavior — and writing hate letters to Nancy Pelosi and taking the impeachment thing like a valiant graceful man. Donnie is so juiced up on testosterone injections that whenever he spits at pedestrians from the helicopter a little wisp of orange hair grows on the concrete walkways from his acidic saliva.

Tourists have been warned to refrain from feeding fries to the mellow president to prevent a frighteningly slow stampede — the expensive little Italian shoe prints ruin the grass. Just say no, like the numerous women Trump managed to catch.

“The government can’t be trusted, but we love this eccentric old dodger of taxes, overdue bills, a military draft, personal responsibility, manual labor and honesty.” North Dakota values have been radically revised to include foolish pride, envy, wrath, gluttony, lust, sloth and personal greed so that Kevin Cramer won’t be defrocked.

Did Trump blatantly lie to Robert Mueller in Sharpie? Well, did you naively think Don was going to wait around for someone else to do it?

Did a teeny bit of the inaugural fund unaccountably disappear into the cloud? Were you unsurprised to learn that Donald Trump Jr. shot a 300-pound endangered argali mountain sheep with huge horns in Mongolia?

Just since 2017, Trump has made a court-ordered settlement to some easy-to-hustle folks. They thought he was a legitimate business mastermind and maxed their personal credit cards to unearth the secrets to his success at Trump University.

  • Chapter 1: Inherit $400 million and don’t acquire businesses you don’t possess the knowledge to operate, such as casinos.
  • Chapter 2: When you aggressively flush billions and go into overwhelming debt by making great deals, file for multiple bankruptcies and get bailed out by a rich Saudi and wealthy Russian oligarchs. And Deutsche Bank doesn’t comprehend you yet, so worth a call. Brag about how smart this makes you.
  • Plus, since 2017, this pathetic innocent man had to spend millions to satisfy another court order just because he was dipping into the Donald J. Trump Foundation donations. The guy doesn’t like spending his own money. Is that a crime?

Of course, Kevin Cramer doesn’t “get what the big deal is,” regarding crimes committed by his boss but comes unwrapped whenever he spots a group of “hysterical” women with “mental illness” wearing white in Trump’s line of sight. Don’t these females know that DT could mistake regular clothing for a Klan rally and start the place on fire with his golden Tiki torch?

Cramer doesn’t think it’s a big deal to torture children by nabbing them from their parents and caging them, either. It’s precisely like playing baseball surrounded by chain link, he reckons, except “Coach Don” tragically loses a LOT of kids and some die.

KC thinks that uttering stupid remarks makes him “authentic,” as he mimics Trump.

“Trump’s Senate alter ego” is how Politico describes Cramer, who stores the president’s ego overflow in his own spacious head cavity for safekeeping as if anyone else besides Louie Gohmert would covet it.

When Donnie turns on Cramer and calls him crooked, a loser, scum, a liar, little, cheatin’, crazy, corrupt, vicious, nasty, a wacko, rude, terrible, sleepy, a traitor, creepy, an idiot or a disgrace, Kevin can consider his own question — “Why does everybody have to be offended all the time?” — when his turn to lie in front of a bus comes.

Cramer’s golden calf is perpetually offended. “Who told thousands of Americans to die in Puerto Rico? Only 16 were officially dead when I tossed the paper towels, whatever they are.”

At that point, KC shared this burning pile of authenticity and demonstrated the warp speed of his mind by wondering: “Can you imagine if some serious Republicans would have actually pushed the birther issue with, you know, Barack Obama, I mean it’s almost that goofy to me.”

Trump DID push the birther issue. How soon a great man’s barely sane accomplishments are forgotten by the ankle-deep state.

Is Congressman Kelly Armstrong being hazed? The ranking screamers have got him sitting down at the shallow end of the bench with the student manager while they all feign disbelief that a swell guy like Donald Trump followed a lifelong pattern of skirting the law. American banks don’t trust him with money, and the bankers don’t trust grabby grandpa with their wives or daughters.

Armstrong’s committee chairman had him play the “But Obama did something” card from the GOP’s collector’s edition, but it was a terrible thing that Barack Obama hadn’t done. The baseless conspiracy theory was soo debunked that barely a sliver of bunk remained intact.

He also insisted with little support that Volodymyr Zelensky represents the true victim in Trump’s miserable fiasco, but VZ wasn’t complaining, so Kelly lawyered up a law nullifier, arguing that Zelensky chose not to implicate Don, so it qualified as a legally binding “No harm, no foul” sports metaphor.

Next Armstrong played the 200-year card. All of the presidents since 1819 have done the same amount of mischief as Trump — that sounds fishy — but if true, Donnie is off the hook, because President William Howard Taft also got stuck in a bathtub. If you say the almost similar thing has always happened, you get a free high crime.

“Lots of intolerant people are calling me a bigot,” whines Rep. Rick Becker, even though not many people are calling him a bigot, or care if more people move to Bismarck, but victimhood is habitually in vogue when your argument is malarkey. Trump is already complaining about not being treated fairly in debates that haven’t happened.

But Rick thinks he identified a technical loophole in the Bible that holds him not just blameless but virtuous for being a dick. The Bible I’ve solemnly read bore a whole different message when it came to assisting desperate people in need. My pastor at the time was pretty clear about it.

I never felt the need to consider another interpretation and act it out in the ripping good alternate production of “God Finds His Voice.”

A few of the reviews:

  • “In a stunning performance, North Dakota State Representative (R-Bismarck) plays God and explains why God wouldn’t help very many people — if God had things his way for a change.” — Ruso Reporter
  • “A jolly good time for the whole family.” — Pixley Press
  • “Becker plays God as if his mind had transcended time and good taste.”  — Frostbite Falls Moosedip
  • “Trump rot goes all the way down to the tender roots of Republican politicians and enablers.” — Zap Yearly News

Many are going along and making the “new foreigner” foghorn noise. It’s just an old foghorn they found, and it still worked, so what the hell.

So excuse me for thinking the Republicans are in cahoots with Trump on lawful immigration.

Everyone knows Trump is going to go even nuttier — in a cruel way — when it comes to demagoguing incoming immigrants no matter legal or undocumented. Don and his creepy white supremacist stooge Stephen Miller have already taken a wrecking ball to the whole works.

Plus, if you come from a certain Muslim country, then a person can’t even fly over for a visit with the cousins.

Asylum seekers, refugees, DACA kids and those doing it the very difficult “right way” are screwed, but the rich get, “Just come. It’s quite spacious here” gold visas. Trump has made having money one of the onerous requirements for entrance to this odd place. That’s the vindictive spirit the Aryans love. I don’t know if we still collect ballet dancers and chess masters to hide from the Russians.

But except for the millions with certain legal problems, we’re still all free to leave. Right? How about getting back in? Is that still a given?

Sayanythingblog is no longer a blog. The blog’s IP address is just a poorly thought out landing page directed to the InForum, but it’s more colorful than a 404 error.

That’s unless a single sample sentence of Port’s gets you so overly excited that you’ll pay 10 bucks to read the whole of his contradictory false premise narratives on the Forum website, with loads of innuendo, wild speculation and assignment of fabricated motives. He lies.

I knew something was up. His numbers had crashed into a Bakken oil and explosive gas train according to analytic sites.

Presently, he is cynically using Sen. Oley Larsen as filler material, which I recommend in moderation, but Larsen is such an easy target and Port knows that Oley isn’t the only overly fermented pickle in the Bastiat barrel. But repetition happens if you can barely write badly on one general topic.

And vaping represents a cause for Rob, which seems odd since nicotine isn’t oil. He claims, “-… thanks probably to vaping, fewer kids are smoking.” But that isn’t accurate. It’s not even Trump adjacent to being true. The facts aren’t Port’s job to find. The Forum will publish his every itch.

The disaffected North Dakota Young Republicans experience peculiar joy out of making fun of homeless Californians with memes. One had Joe Biden as Homer Simpson. Its edgy stuff.

And, finally, imagine a proper jury of Trump’s loud peers instead of a clutch of oathbreakers? We would need 12 sociopathic malignant narcissists with a need for el grande bum kissing as the center of our world, who perspires bossy, lacks any empathy and will tell you he can execute 700 pushups just because.

There are many other negative qualities needed to be ticked off, but I don’t think we can find enough Level 9 sleazes for a game of solitaire, let alone what Trump calls a dozen. It’s a word he coined after he sussed out that 12 things are frequently labeled as a dozen and he didn’t think it was a coincidence. That epiphany came in 2016 while reading a chicken bucket.

At that moment, all of our dreams came true.

One thought on “RON SCHALOW: Lately In Trump Dakota”

  • Susan Gorr December 22, 2019 at 10:52 am

    You have the best descriptions, references and analogies! Excellent wrap up of the embarrasing humans in Republican “leadership”. Absolutely humiliating to me as a North Dakotan.


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