RON SCHALOW: The Politics of Death — Taking One For Team Trump

Republicans are going to pack the Spectrum Center in Charlotte, N.C., or somewhere domed, for the 2020 Republican National Convention for four days at the end of August. Fifty thousand might show up against the advice of experts.

Maybe. Trump drives a hard bargain.

At any rate, some indoor stadium, maybe two, since convention business could be conducted in one state while Donald Trump performs the finale in a different state.

The “Two-State Solution” was the latest option publicly floated, but who in the hell knows. Don might get that job as a Bible salesman.

One way or another, Trump will personally have a full house.

But, I sure hope the president doesn’t change his mind about Charlotte — North Carolina won’t dig him a bunker to “just inspect” — or make a “citizens arrest” of Barack Obama for murder in the meantime.

He might decide on the former Soviet city of Minsk. Belarusians live their now and their government was also uninterested in fighting the pandemic, so Trump feels he would be welcomed by the Minskites. They certainly won’t enforce any silly rules for public “health” reasons.

The North Carolinians aren’t as amiable.

Bottom line. People are going to be smushed together? It’s not a conservative play, but they aren’t in charge anymore, are they?

It will be quite the science experiment, though.

Shoulder to shoulder, thousands of partisans with comorbidities and age-related longevity will be heavily exhaling, cheering, booing, coughing, snorting, hollering, whistling, chanting, bellowing, sneezing, and hooting.

The air will be filled with microscopic drops of saliva, mucus and Old Spice. And that’s on the outside.

It will be hot and humid. Perspiration, acrid scents, foul odors and the romance of sticky daily hangovers.

Of course, the auditorium will be tear-gassed before the last act. Trump needs to be able to walk across the stage safely for chrissakes! The man of the forgotten people just assumes that the forgotten people will attack him on sight. Ingrates. After his perfect performance with the aid of just one son-in-law?

This is why Trump will not walk more than a few feet without an escort of enough soldiers to fill thousands and thousands of fake ballots in their spare time.

Postage will be about $500 per thousand. The president will pay them back.

Trump also has a rubber bullet gun that he uses to shoot Dick Cheney in the face, so there’s that now.

Hours and hours of speeches. “Is America better off than it was four years ago? Well, it would be, if not for FBI scum, Barack Obama, China, WHO, Antifa, the fake media, pencilneck, Europe, liberals, Jeff Sessions, Democrats, the CDC, vicious Honduran children, the deep state, the CIA, Hunter Biden, Dr. Fauci and the traitorous spies who weren’t forceful enough when explaining the novel coronavirus threat to such a perceptive president.”

The cheerleader of the nation will tell us with whom he has a beef.

Twelve hundred convention receptions were scheduled at one point, but some of the meet and greets were found to have pre-existing conditions, like cash bars, and won’t be noted in the stats.

Without free booze to immunize attendees, these elderly gatherings would have died anyway — some maybe not for decades — but they won’t count against Trump’s final tally of venues not filled by his magical convention aura.

It will be days of criminal heat for the loyal riff-raff, but Trump can be delivered in a refrigerated limo two minutes before he hits the stage.

Then, Kevin Cramer will purse his lips over a block of dry ice and blow a cool breeze toward the podium during Trump’s 113-minute yammering spasm of grievances and boasting.

And Trump won’t tolerate any masks, but his campaign will be passing out generic calcium tablets labeled MAGA at the concession stands for the virus conscious.

The original anti-masker thinks that a mask is emasculating. One may be to him. His hairdo and shoulder pads sure are manly, though.

The air won’t be any less dangerous than the atmosphere around Ground Zero after 9/11. NSC Director Condi Rice gave the OK for the EPA to say it was safe to breathe in the area. Trump would never pull such a stunt.

The North Dakota GOP has assigned 29 delegates and 26 alternates to make the trip to somewhere.

What’s going on in the heads of this group? How strong are their survival instincts? Of course, most would sacrifice their lives for family. Certainly their health. But for a convention? For the deification of a halfwit?

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Get in there and worship, dammit.

God’s house — Mar-a-Lago — is where Donald Trump spends his weekends.

Of course, he also claimed to ingest hydroxychloroquine, which proved to the “Base” how smart he really is.

Problem though. He’s never eaten wet dirt or enjoyed a Mason jar of Windsor, lake water, with a jigger of liquid caffeine.

Trump’s a germaphobe. Even his immune system has never fought. A malaria drug would have knocked him on his butt.

The convention will be here in less than three months. Trump has plenty of time to take some potshots at the nuns who walk by the White House during daily security briefs.

2 thoughts on “RON SCHALOW: The Politics of Death — Taking One For Team Trump”

  • Susan gorr June 4, 2020 at 6:47 pm

    Ooh ooh, I vote Minsk!

  • Jay Larson June 9, 2020 at 4:49 pm

    Wow. So, during the looting, rioting and multiple funerals for Mr Floyd, they have been practicing social distancing.


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