It’s getting a little chippy out there. An old guy can’t even drop dead at the bowling alley without some jamoke claiming that the man’s last cough was deliberating misleading to skew coronavirus numbers in order to make Donald Trump look bad.

It’s tough, I tell you.

Last week, I saw two facially naked Norwegian-Americans mug an elderly masked man on the arched walking bridge over Interstate 94 in Fargo at 8 a.m. Driving east, the sun illuminated the scuffle like a Broadway stage. “He died from a precondition,” wailed Bobeee Weasel Gutzzz, the alleged killer.

“Look, I tasered the old dude, OK. But I can’t be responsible if he has defective parts. It doesn’t count as murder toward my scorecard. Hearts! How many more years did his historic heart have, anyway? Ten years? One score? Nobody knows what a heart will do. I guess he could have undergone a transplant. I’m starting to appreciate your position. Well, I think we’re done here, Sarge. The victim definitely crossed the line by brazenly politicizing our transaction. We never said boo to the nut. Plus, I had other appointments. I know that Brot was in a rush. I was forced to light up his spinal cord.”

Previous to the shot of high voltage the pre-dead man managed to shout, “Radical! Radical? It’s not radical if the people are for it, you nitwits. When pollsters ask about topics like the coronavirus, racial equality, climate change, voting by mail, LGBTQ equality, gender equality, immigration, DACA, stricter gun control and other vital issues, the liberal position is preferred by large majorities.”


“The same is true for health care, education, unions and some specific policies like taking kids from their parents and sticking the tykes behind chain-link. Twenty-five percent thought it was a brilliant idea. Furthermore — ” Zchunk, thump.

The thugs were quickly cornered. On a thin bridge. “Hey, look. He’s a donor. Think of the lives we saved.”

Trumpublicans were rightly supportive of the protesters in Hong Kong and critical of crackdowns by the Chinese government.

The North Dakota Young Republicans are utilizing all of the power they can bring to bear on the White House to get cherry-flavored Hydroxychloroquine on the market by October to fight this hoax plague.

Social movements start when they start.

Rob Port is steamed at Scott Hennen for being pro-wind and a liar. Port is anti-wind and a liar.

Teachers are still indoctrinating tykes like mad, teaching our youth to hate America and despise Goodyear according to a lot of people who continue to send their kids to public schools.

Embarrassingly, only 69 percent of Americans say discrimination against Black people and other racial minorities is a serious problem. Of the remaining 31 percent, some of the less preceptive claim that every race is already being treated equally — contrary to witness accounts — and others are just happy that Black and brown discrimination is a serious problem.

“It’s not an issue for me on my 800 acres.”

But as we all know, “The cities are burning! Oh, woe. I’ve learned everything I know from a statue. What’s the deal with Aunt Jemima? We are all equal according to the Constitution. What do ‘they’ want past that? They’re radicals, I tell you. Radicals! Crush this uprising and end this insurrection forthwith.”

“No, she’s in over HER head,” wittily retorted Trump to Kamala’s “he is clearly in over his head.”

Let’s face it. By his own math, Trump saved millions of lives with one limp decision to not high-five people traveling here from China. What other president besides Trump would have been expected to save more than billions of citizens?

China gave us the sniffles, and Trump will never forget, or so he says, but he will never admit that he said he wouldn’t forget. We’re past that. And Kamala isn’t Black.

Trump claims that the virus should never have been “allowed” to spread out of China. He is less concerned about who “allowed” the virus to spread throughout the United States.

Can Two Pandemics Happen at the same time? Wouldn’t that be fun? Millions more would be saved.

Do people want Trump to be in charge when another pandemic — possibly caused by a virus-riddled vampire bat siphoning blood from a virus-0riddled feral pig in Argentina — hits the world in 2022?

According to the Trumpublicans, 2020 presidential ballots are laying about everywhere. Just grab a few hundred, painstakingly fill them out and commit multiple federal crimes. “Mailboxes will be robbed, ballots will be forged an even illegally printed out and fraudulently signed …”

It wasn’t long ago: “When people get in line that have absolutely no right to vote and they go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again. Nobody takes anything. It’s really a disgrace what’s going on.”

Stephen Miller claims that Trump was cheated in the New Hampshire primary. “I can tell you that this issue of busing voters into New Hampshire is widely known by anyone who’s worked in New Hampshire politics. It’s very real, it’s very serious. This morning on this show is not the venue for me to lay out all the evidence.”

Kevin Cramer’s biggest problem right now? He’s worried that economically stressed people will enjoy too much money.

Ordinarily, Kevin just worries that a kid might get too much to eat and take food out of the mouths of oil barons.

We’re currently whipping along at a pace of technological and social change that exceeds the pace of the human brain evolution, and the world won’t pause long enough for many of us to catch up.

It surprised millions when they found out that George W. Bush ignored certain intelligence reports, but it surprises zero that Trump doesn’t even put his fingerprints on the documents. It’s a slippery slope.

The New York Times usually beats Trump to his own intelligence reports, anyway.

It turns out that more workers die when safety regulations are relaxed or eliminated.

Ninety-nine percent — or the most by far — of the people who have demonstrated for racial equality have not committed any violence. Unaffiliated crooks, opportunists and agitators are responsible for the lion’s share.

Besides Trump, COVID deniers who have helped keep the pandemic going are responsible for the terrible economy, a great number of deaths and widespread misery. Way more damage than anything that may have happened at a demonstration.

We’ll all be speaking Chinese if Trump isn’t re-elected. Retrumplicans fell for that one.

Trump’s “white power” retweet happened less than two months ago.

Polls have shown vast majorities in favor of wearing masks, conducting universal background checks, passing DACA and getting your mitts off their Post Office

Rep. Rick Becker is presenting right-wing pandemic lessons on the internet. He has a chart.

Sixty-seven percent do not trust Trump’s COVID-19 claims. He has many charts.

Only 18 percent believe that people who employ this phrase “Defund the Police” in fact want to get rid of police departments. Almost all of the NDGOP is confused on this one.

Trump and Ivanka are hawking Goya beans now. They’ve sold beans before and have the cows to prove it.

Don’t mess with any Teddy Roosevelt statue, but feel free to build a refinery by the entrance to the Theodore Roosevelt National Park.

All Trump had to do at the beginning were three things. Announce a national emergency. Call the CDC. “Hello, CDC? Spare no expense in fighting the virus as it arrives.”

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