RON SCHALOW: Rural Trumpist Talks Race With The Beagle Bugle Chronicle

BBC: “Thank you for taking the time to answer some questions, sir. Your responses will be anonymous — at your request — which does not mean this conversation did not take place. Can we agree that this interview is happening and afterward, that this exchange did in-fact happen? Words were spoken?”

Mr. Q: “Oh, sure, that’s typical for a Marxist organization like you people run. Now, you leftist bullies want to decide for the real Americans what happened during this thing or that thing, or if a thing occurred at all. But you have a recording, like la de da, isn’t that special. If I decide our meeting didn’t happen, it didn’t happen because I’m anonymous.”

BBC: “So, yes?”

Mr. Q: “MAGA also decides what is or isn’t happening as we speak. Usually within minutes. His syllables simmer like a sonata. Uh, and Joe Biden is stupid. Just in. I don’t know how we’re getting beat by a ‘near-dead severely addled melon-headed pedophile’ and a ‘nasty multiraced prostitute,’ even after Trump fought his way through the rebellion and held a Bible? What’s that about?”

BBC: “OK, OK.”

Mr. Q: “I just want my history to stay the same as it was before it took a dark detailed turn that history snobs feed to a gullible loosely educated audience. Stupid internet self-learning. Certain people are saying that the bad vibes are hurting their feelings to the point that we government haters want the government to cancel uncomfortable facts about American history and current issues. As if the kids need more reading. And Trump will hide what he can — even if it’s all out there — but you can only hide so much truth from the youngsters.”

BBC: “Uh, huh. Hide the truth for political benefit? It sounds iffy.”

Mr. Q: “Trump hit that nail on the head, though. Learn history? Right. People aren’t going to go for that. He didn’t. He can say anything. It’s a big breakthrough in the art of communications. No one in history has ever resisted so much knowledge on behalf of so few. Don’s a savant. It’s heroic.”

BBC: “Trump’s a pioneer in negative transparent hyperbolic creativity?”

Mr. Q: “Reality is up for grabs, toots. Trump knew that before he could walk on his heels. His genius for bullshit is legendary around the globe. ‘The virus is a fictional construct of the radical Democrats who want to control the mob and hurt Donald Trump. Period.’ That’s one of his. Only Don could have convinced me of that traitorous Democrap plot — without explaining how the weasels are pulling all of these strings — in less than five minutes. Crazy, huh? Furthermore, I know a guy that said he might die from the coronavirus, but then he died from something else. What a character he was.”

BBC: “Fine! Fine. Then I’m going to go anonymous, too, because why should you, aka ‘Mr. Q’ not suffer any abuse while I get crap flying at …”

Mr. Q: “Mr. Q? Why Mr. Q? You never told me that. Are you people trying to false flag ‘out me’ as one of those QAnon kooks? You’re trying to cancel me. That’s what this is. It’s a cancellation. The last time I checked, just following a Facebook page or owning some merch doesn’t prove anything. I find those folks interesting.”

BBC: “How often do you check?”

Mr. Q: “The Oregon Ducks have a very popular ‘O’ on their sweatshirt, but add a descender, and everyone flips out. Like that’s weird in and of itself. I’m only keeping an eye on them, because somebody should. You assholes should be ashamed. A Q-centric anonymous name is scurrilous and inflammatory. You could have just named me Bob.”

BBC: “Never-the-less, it’s what our random fake name app decided.”

Mr. Q: “That’s not even a thing. You think you’re so clever, but whatever. Go ahead and Q me with your ‘app’ like I care what Joe Biden told you to do to me. I know I’m on his radar. He does have the better tan, though.”

BBC: “Right? It’s like Trump hasn’t figured out how to tan like a normal person. Have you ever seen anyone else sporting his trademark shade of pumpkin spice?”

Mr. Q: “Once.”

BBC: “Biden just needed some sun. FYI; I’ll be referred to as BBC for the purposes of this transcript.”

Mr. Q: “Fine. Great. Perfect. You people.”

BBC: “Due to events, we will primarily discuss ‘race’ in terms of the discrimination toward Black people in America for this interview, but many of the same issues pertain to Native Americans, LGBTQ Americans, women, all shades of brown people, disabled people, the poor, the aged and the oddly different. There are many forms of discrimination.”

Mr. Q: “I’m not that kind of Q, or the other Q, but especially not the Q in the quintet so don’t get your Q’s mixed up. And you just made up the other stuff. And Miss BBC is a white woman. Your readers deserve to know that Miss BBC is appropriating. Women are a majority, anyway. Pretty women like yourself are getting to be a turnoff.”

BBC: “Where were you when you found out that Jim Gaffigan is a liberal?”

Mr. Q: “At Eddie’s Tavern. I was having a peaceful beer and a bump when it scrolled across the TV screen. Wait a min …”

BBC: “Have you ever had your picture taken with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Alex Jones or Leo Durocher?”

Mr. Q: “What? Just a minute, missy. Are you planning on slipping me a mickey and then pose trick questions? I won’t stand for it. I’ll walk out, but not leave because this is my property. I’ll walk away from you, though. I’ll walk way over there. I don’t need the press sniffing around. It was just a picture. We had zero conversation, but I’m not on trial. No tricks. No gotchas.”

BBC: “Not necessary.”

Mr. Q: “Damn right!”

BBC: “As you know, North Dakota Trumpublicans never embraced the “racial equality” message of the protesters who have demonstrated …”

Mr. Q: “Wait, what? Did you not see the fire, the broken glass and the looting. Oh, the looting. Cities have been literally burnt to the ground. Big cities. None of us can get a wink of sleep as long as leftist thugs have matches. If we start changing laws, policies, and biases to level the field of survival, it will surely tilt too much, for my taste, anyway.”

BBC: “No city has burnt to the ground and we can see Regina from here. They put fires out. All cities do.”

Mr. Q: “Well, my sources tell me otherwise, like the President himself. He’s never too busy to spread cold butter on soft bread. I get close to 100 emails a day from Don and the kids. Jared, not so much, but they are all driving pretty hard to the basket.”

BBC: “They send me those emails, too. Pretty hardcore.”

Mr. Q: “Then you know the sleepy Joe party is responsible for acts of violence by these mobs. This cannot be said too much. No amiable right wing devil’s advocates or politically deficient opportunists have ever been involved in the scenes straight from hell as crazed Black Democrats torch the America I love.”

BBC: “What in the world are you …”

Mr. Q: “The N.D. Young Republicans really drilled the hell out of that fact with this meme: ‘Democrats have given America an ultimatum. Either vote for them to destroy the country or they’ll destroy the country.’ They put lots of flames on the meme, too. Get it? It’s almost too plausible.”

BBC: “What?”

Mr. Q: “AOC is pulling Biden’s strings and Biden gives the loot orders. The code word is anyone’s guess. Joe acts real cool like an unindicted co-conspirator when he makes the call. Can you not see this?”

BBC: “Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?”

Mr. Q: “No, Grover Cleveland Alexander! You people. Is she the only thing in the world? At least nobody ever called ‘Old Pete’ GCA. Or the fabulous RBG. It would have been unheard of. Can you imagine the hysterics if Donald Trump called Nancy Pelosi some random letters? The press would bury him. What are you going to tell everyone tomorrow? That Trump thinks that soldiers are losers? You people. Or I suppose he tells us to vote twice and break federal law? It’s every damn day with you people. Boats sink. Do you think every boat floats?”

BBC: “Uh, huh. Why does Trump allow the violence he says Joe Biden will allow?”

Mr. Q: “He’s not allowing it. States have to ask for help, so the fault is with them. Blue states all. Red states have very little crime because they won’t tolerate it. Conservatives also live in blue states, but that’s their problem.”

BBC: “So Trump can’t do anything to stop looting and property damage even after the election if the cities and states don’t play his game?”

Mr. Q: “Game? What game?”

BBC: “The game of pretending that ‘all’ of the thousands of protests for racial equality have turned violent, when only seven percent of the demonstrations had ugly episodes. The game of pretending that ‘all’ of the tens of millions protesters had a hand in criminal activities like looting and arson, when in fact Trump doesn’t know who is behind most of the damage and theft, and scofflaws are being arrested.”

Mr. Q: “It’s people in the dark shadows, but Trump decided to keep the names anonymous for national security reasons.”

BBC: “They can’t all be instigators and no one has ever met an anarchist, but when grown kids in trucks spray bystanders with mace and shoot random people with paintballs — true instigators flying Trump flags — he calls the morons ‘patriots.’ It doesn’t add up. It’s a con to make white folks afraid of the angry black man.”

Mr. Q: “Donald Trump doesn’t lie and math is very misleading.”

BBC: “How did Trump save millions of lives if the virus is a hoax?”

Mr. Q: “Well, it isn’t just a coincidence that millions of people are still alive. Mostly Black people since Don has done more things for black people than Sammy Davis Jr.”

BBC: “Isn’t racial equality a good thing, Mr. Q?”

Mr. Q: “So I’m told — squirrel! — but no thanks, we ‘ruralists’ are good. Booker T. Washington is one of my heroes. I personally know most of one Martin Luther King quote. That’s good enough. What do they want now? New shoes? We are all oppressed equally. That’s been true since the war of northern aggression. History may not back me up, but historians are vainglorious and smug. Dr. Fauci was wrong in 1996. Loser. And the empirical evidence has been falsified as usual by evil jackasses in the dark shadows, and all of the witnesses are prejudiced and probably carrying a knife. See? It is “they” who are racist.”

BBC: “Most Americans — over 70 percent — know that Black people are discriminated against in this country, by our legal system, housing system, banking system, voting system, at work and in public. Education, wages …”

Mr. Q: “Know? Nobody knows anything. There is no ‘systemic racism’ in this country. Like we have systems. Systems? Does it look like we have a system? Besides, no poll is right. We learned that in 2016 when even I was wrong. How do these geniuses know?”

BBC: “I suppose they keep tabs on the news, go to college, watch documentaries and believe what they see with their own eyes. The usual. But you disagree?”

Mr. Q: “According to HUD Secretary Ben Carson, slaves were immigrants who came to America seeking structured adventure. Who really knows? Slavery didn’t happen on my watch. My family wasn’t even here until later in the 1800s. I’m against racism. None of this has anything to do with me.”

BBC: “It has to do with the history of the United States, not your personal past. You can’t deny proven history. Are you familiar with the Homestead Act of 1862, the largest socialistic distribution of wealth ever in this country.”

Mr. Q: “What? I’ll deny anything and you know it. And, of course I know about the Homestead Acts. That was our start. My grandparents worked the land we’re standing on, when it was as cold as a Hillary in the winter and the farmers kept many businesses in town prospering. What’s it to you?”

BBC: “Historians say that freed Black people were cheated of the opportunity to settle in the Midwest in favor of new European immigrants.”

Mr. Q: “Back it up, lady. You’re not implying any implication on me. It’s disgraceful what you people will extrapolate.”

BBC: “Did anyone in your family qualify for the GI Bill?

Mr. Q: “My father fought in the big one, had his college paid for and built a lot of government subsidized housing for the returning soldiers. He did quite well. Fred Trump made a fortune on subsidized housing after the war. What’s your point? I suppose that makes me racist? What doesn’t?”

BBC: “No, it makes you fortunate. Freed Blacks ended up with next to no land. Blacks who fought in WWII received little benefit from the GI Bill. Should I continue?”

Mr. Q: “I’m not taking the blame for anything. White isn’t even capitalized unless it starts a sentence. My culture out here in the outer rural area is the standard for the entire nation. We’re so wholesome, it makes many people nauseous.”

BBC: “How many live in your town?”

Mr. Q: “About 2,400, as if that matters to anything.”

BBC: “People.”

Mr. Q: “Oh, 312, if you count ‘bipedal Earl.’ All 2,400 are domesticated if that makes a difference.”

BBC: “Any Black citizens.”

Mr. Q: “How Black?”

BBC: “Anyone who identifies as Black.”

Mr. Q: “Identifies? There’s the problem. This is why Trump is president. Kamala Harris was black when we weren’t paying attention, and then it comes out that she’s a Jamaican-Asian. India-Asian, not Asian-Asian. And it feels like the Democrats slipped her past someone, by insinuating her blackness as authentic. The only people we consider Black that should have any gripes are descendants of American slaves.”

BBC: “Who is ‘we?’”

Mr. Q: “We! The American people.”

BBC: “I don’t think your ‘we’ decide these matters.”

Mr. Q: “Now, people are going to vote for her because they think she’s Black.”

BBC: “People vote for Trump because he’s white. Many people won’t vote for Biden because Harris is a Black woman.”

Mr. Q: Harris thinks that people can support the police and the movement for racial justice at the same time, but how does that work? Trump doesn’t know, so we stay focused on fire, so as not to confuse the less intelligent Trump supporters who can’t differentiate Blacks from criminals in any situation.”

BBC: “Or won’t. Americans believe Biden would do a better job handling racial inequality than Trump according to a poll released on August 2nd by a 22 percent margin.”

Mr. Q: “That’s Biden’s biggest flaw. Fix this, fix that, when there is nothing to fix. There is nothing to handle but a bucket full of hoaxes.”

BBC: “Yes, yes. Are you going to vote twice?”

Mr. Q: “More, if I can lift some mail from the neighbors.”

BBC: “Do you really want to defund cities as Trump has threatened.”

Mr. Q: “If possible. Anarchist jurisdictions must be brought to heel.”

BBC: “There are no anarchist jurisdictions, and why is Trump only focused on crime adjacent to protests? Most crime in America doesn’t have the cover of thousands of strangers and is much quieter.”

Mr. Q: “Because that’s the plan. I don’t decide what we’re supposed to be mad at or scared of. It is what it is. We used to scapegoat the migrant hordes, but Boss Trump has called open season on Blacks and their leftist allies, so now they’re the problem. Jeez, what a stupid question. You’re pretty stupid aren’t you?”

BBC: “Are you frightened at the prospect of Blacks storming suburbia and killing the housing market or coming for you. The president is quite animated about it.”

Mr. Q: “I don’t think we have any suburbs. I’m frightened that Black people will become as equal as me, which will destroy the country as we know it, so we’re firmly not on the side of the Blacks.”

BBC: “How will equality destroy the country?”

Mr. Q: “If everyone gets treated equally, it will be different than it was and not the same as it was when things are not like this. Duh. Blacks should just be grateful to be in this country.”

BBC: “Pardon me?”

Mr. Q: “I’m not involved with the fancy strategizing that passes through the unique mind of Donald Trump. I think you have to be related or willing to do time.”

BBC: “Earlier you said, ‘We are all oppressed equally,’ so which is it?”

Mr. Q: “I never said that. I’m anonymous.”

BBC: “You live a long way from the suburbanites and urban dwellers. Why are you so worked up about the whole race thing?”

Mr. Q: “It’s a matter of principle.”

BBC: “What principle?”

Mr. Q: “The principle of fundamental truths. Even if the Natives were already here and other peoples were imported, it’s always been an America that was deeded to the white people by God. The country is traditionally white and Christian. What am I supposed to do about it? I suppose you’re one of those elitist atheists?”

BBC: “God didn’t do that.”

Mr. Q: “It was implied.”

BBC: “There were zero white-skinned people on earth until about 8,000 years ago, when humans who had moved north into Europe began to have children with lighter and lighter skin as our ancestors evolved to more easily survive in northern latitudes. Our color was late to the color swatch by a couple of hundred thousand years.”

Mr. Q: “You don’t know that. I’m not falling for the evolution of skin color again. I was young and easily manipulated, but I’m not young anymore. God made us in his own image. My ancestry goes back as far as it needs to and everyone was white by a mile. And heterosexual.”

BBC: “Those are the facts.”

Mr. Q: “Oh, I know the facts, sister.”

BBC: (Sigh) “Militia groups and white supremacists are now being called ‘supporters of Trump,’ like the phrase is their official name. Which specific groups are supporting Trump by disrupting First Amendment rights? Do you know?”

Mr. Q: “All of them, I suppose. Look, I’ve had enough of this nonsense. Don’t look for me again.”

BBC: “Where do you keep your Tiki torches? I can still see you, Q.”

One thought on “RON SCHALOW: Rural Trumpist Talks Race With The Beagle Bugle Chronicle”

  • Susan Gorr September 10, 2020 at 8:24 pm

    Brilliant “interview” and not so much of a distortion of reality actually.


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