It was a dark and stormy ni… d’oh. Wrong story. Actually, it was a cool and calm evening, with a cloudless sky and a full moon. Hardly the point but worth noting. I and an associate were attending one or several parties in Bismarck. It’s not clear how many, but liquor, my favorite liquid at the time, was served. My …
Is it still too soon to talk about guns — and the slaughter in Las Vegas — or is too late? Who makes the timing rules? I think it’s Sean Hannity, who is in some unholy alliance with Bobo, aka the president of the United States, who is so short on brain juice that he’ll believe or lie about damn near anything. …
Rob Port is hot, and not just because his defroster is stuck on high in the minivan, and certainly not due to any physical activity. The Forum Communications golden boy is moving on up to the east side of Minot, to the land of Oley, Roscoe and the stockyards. Or so I’ve heard. No one knows why. He’s a great …
“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” We would chant this oath every morning in the first grade in 1962. I was happy to do it, not that I had a choice. Stand up, face the …
The North Dakota Republican Party put all of their gold coins on the Camarillo White Horse in the 5th race on the 7th fairway. “North Dakotans elected President Trump because he promised to enact policies that would improve our economy, make our country safer, and improve the lives of folks here at home,” said North Dakota GOP Chairman Kelly Armstrong. …
Several days after my birth, we were driving home, up the big Third Street hill in Minot, and I was listening to Eisenhower speechify on the radio. It was a bit staticy, but I remember it like it was just several minutes ago. Frankly, he was boring. President Ike was still in his first term and pledged to remain ever …
While browsing through pictures of the racists who $#!* on Charlottesville, Va., and who misappropriated a perfectly innocent backyard implement for lighting ambiance and the repellent of some insects (for evil and poorly choreographed parading, which probably voided the damn warranty), I noticed a few things. This was the least superior gaggle of goose steppers that could have been scrounged up. …
A few years ago, before the Fargo Forum’s Rob Port banned me from his brain cell-resistant Sayanything blog Facebook page, I found myself politely conversing, for my part, with a Grand Forks member of the III percent right-wing militia group. He cursed like a wet pirate with R-rated dagger wounds. I was soooo frightened, but I pulled myself together with …
It’s been a tough few weeks for North Dakota media star Rob Port. He was outed as an unwitting copy machine (an HP, I think) for the DAPL propaganda team. Voldeport has absolutely no idea which words he published to advance Energy Transfer Partners, and his pal Kelcy Warren’s, interests, were true, and which were false, and probably doesn’t care. …
In Port Whine Part 1, the Mediocre Years Continue; we learned that famed blogger for Forum Communications, Rob Port, is not a peachy guy, smears private citizens without a thought, happily publishes unsubstantiated propaganda and considers himself “one of the most consequential reporters/commentators in the state.” I consider myself a large ill-tempered racoon, with Vick’s VapoRub issues. Also, this series …
I’m not sure how many days since Rob Port, famed columnist, political pundit and radio personality was featured on the Forum’s front page, but I’m still blind in my left eye. Seriously, I was a little startled to see Port’s mug on the front page of the Fargo Forum, for more reasons than one. Port’s visage always makes me jump, …
“How did you find me?” hollers Orville, and grumbles, “You skinny, long-haired, libturd. You just can’t leave me in peace, can you?” Stanley looks around. “This was the only bar in town with a yacht in the parking lot, with plates that said BIG ORV on them. Stealthy. This joint is much nicer than your last haunt. I see they’ve …
Forward: Over 8 million people in the United States have suicidal thoughts — also known as suicidal ideation — at least once in any given year. For a large subsection of this group, the thoughts never go away, mainly due to chronic depression or bipolar disease. This describes most of the characters in “Perfect Whack Jobs,” a dark comic novel. …
The last time we checked in with Congressman Kevin Cramer, he had recently voted for a health care bill that was so deplorably cruel, even Donald Trump called it “mean.” And old road kill cranium has skimmed charity dollars from kids with cancer, so that’s saying something. Who read the bill to the president is anybody’s guess. On May 6, …
It’s not even a close call, so save the coin toss. Cramer takes North Dakotans for granted and assumes he’s in a safe district. Why, because he’s such a charmer? Guess again, smirk-boy. Smug-boy. Whatever. I’m older than the kid, so I can say that. Plus, I don’t care. I don’t feel any pleasantness oozing from my aura. After decades …
The repugnant grabby Donald Trump, with a white nationalist on his staff, wasn’t the first loudmouth reality TV star, or low-watt nativist leader, to figure out that fear is a great motivator — and vote getter. Unsavory foreigners are pouring across our borders by the thousands for crissakes, don’t you know. Believe me. Are you jumpy, yet? I’ve heard they’re …
Stan shuffles into the dark bar, stands still for a minute to let his pupils expand, and waits for the blindness to dissipate. Then, without moving, he hollers, “ORV! ARE YOU IN HERE?” A strange voice answers from the shadows. “Which Orv are you looking for? “The ornery one.” “Oh, he’s sitting at the bar.” Stan shuffles over to the …
Just in case the few hombres who feel the need — some have legitimate reasons — to carry a concealed pistol underneath their cardigan while walking the street of Pisek were thinking that the Republicans in the Legislature hadn’t gone the full mile, to fulfill their every whim, they need not worry. Minot Sen. Oley Larsen stepped up his game. …
At noon Friday, about 40 of our most dangerous citizens left their natural Caribou Coffee habitat and descended on the building that houses Congressman Kevin Cramer’s Fargo office at speeds nearing 25 mph. Their watches were not synchronized — or necessarily correct. Some were just winging it. Mostly women, but a few men, stood as people do and occasionally flashed …
I’ve had some bad weeks. One August, I lounged on the deck of a pontoon in the sun so long that my shins and feet were seriously burned. There was smoke — and not the medicinal kind. I was in pain for at least a week, and gentle I had to be, to get the old shoes on. The hair …
Ruth Buffalo wrote a perfectly sane, accurate and compelling letter-to-the-editor a few days ago, but the truthfulness was more than the Ward County Red Snouted Port could bear. Sad. I have never met Ruth Buffalo, but I know she is very smart because I can read and comprehend. And educated. She is also quite pretty and has a beautiful family. …
Donald Trump was standing at the podium, addressing a joint session of Congress, explaining to the American people how badly the State of the Union sucked, and they best hide. Stupid Kenyan! He gazed to the right when some of the Democrats laughed after a sentence because the words were so absurd, based on reality, it was impossible to muffle …
Congressman Kevin Cramer, rumored to be Donald Trump’s new hairdresser —Have you seen 45’s new flattop? He sets his Twitter phone up there — came to Fargo on Thursday, at the invitation of Indivisible FM — leftist lost souls, according to Scott Hennen, the legendary mellifluous voice of the guy you hear for a second while fiddling with your radio dial. …
I’ve lost several minutes of sleep over the past few weeks, and I’m sure that others were also on edge. The freedom of something was on line. Our food, it turns out, to my surprise. I looked in the fridge. Everything was fine there, but then I learned that criminality was taking place in all corners of state, but nobody …
I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m an angry lib!@$#. And I’m hardly the only one. A serial liar is President Trump, which I find disconcerting, but it doesn’t bother smarmy Congressman Kevin Cramer, the whole of the North Dakota GOP, and 39 percent of Americans. Maybe some haven’t heard the news, and maybe some think all news is fake because the …
I’ve been called many things in the last half-century. I suppose “shallow’ has gone on the longest, since it’s so clever. Adults still jab me with that mortal Italian dagger wit — I can barely feel the blade filet my … spleen? I went by “crash” for a time, which was neither derogatory or complimentary. Simply fact that need not …
For some reason, many people, including North Dakota legislators, think that trying to get the Bakken oil producers to “stabilize” the crude and THEN put it in the railroad tanker car is a big joke. I didn’t coin the phrase “bomb trains.” That label came from the within the industry because they knew. It’s just good ribbing, though. I’ve been …
Humans vaulted, or quietly tiptoed, to the top of the food chain when our brains evolved enough to overcome our 1,246 physical shortcomings, including subpar vaulting, which the other critters made fun of, before having a quick snack. Generally, we’re slow, with poor climbing skills and buoyancy issues. We couldn’t catch much — or escape much. And being tender and flavorful …
Considering that the whole of North Dakota Republican officeholders backed the callus free lunatic with the “narcissistic personality disorder,” who likes signing large menus — with covers made out of baby dolphin skin and then waving them around like he’s bringing in a airliner, it stands to reason that the North Dakota GOP and white nationalists would be on the …
It’s hard to keep up with the North Dakota Legislature, since the idiotic bills shoot out faster than Donald Trump running from a Syrian toddler. The kid was “yuge.” Believe me. Then, you add in the daily hijinks and lies of our new administration in D.C., and you have a bottomless stockpot of rancid confusing soup and a small slotted …
It’s bash the refugees season again. We have one every month, so you never have to take down the decorations — or buy new torches. This time, it’s in the form of North Dakota House Bill 1427, introduced by Republicans Chris Olson, Rich Becker, a pair of Koppelmans and four others. As always, they say they just want to know …
“Orv, are you still fuming about not being invited to perform at the inauguration?” asks Stan. “You can still do that thing, right? Very entertaining, as I don’t recall. Was it a card trick? Was it an egg yoke? Hee hee.”” “I told you to shut up,” grouses Orville. “I’m busy drinking and thinking.” “That was three minutes ago, if …
After several years of watching British cops shows on Netflix, something finally dawned on me. Years is generally the time it takes for me to have a good dawn. Anyway, like American cop shows, a detective is running down a suspect, and he — or she — has the criminal, punter or wanker basically cornered, but they have to go …
Stan shuffles up to the bar and bellows, “Merry Christmas, Orv?” No answer. Stan looks closer at the man sitting on the stool. “Wait a goddam minute, here. You’re not Orville. Who the hell are you, and why are you sitting in Orv’s spot?” “Mark. I don’t know any Orv.” Stanley is flummoxed, until Orv barks, “I’m over her, you …
Well, hell, the Golden Retriever caught the Chevy. In less than a month, an unqualified senior citizen playboy, wife collector and renowned sex offender will become president of the United States. And I thought Millard Fillmore stuck in my craw. Russians playing games in our business won’t matter. It’s still going to happen. Obama is meting out punishment, but Trump, …
“Hi, Orv!” chirps Stan. “What did you get for Christmas? Another 10,000 acres of dirt? Hair plugs? Personality injections?” “What’s it to you, Marxist boy?” hisses Orville, as he takes another sip of his vodka gimlet. “Are you 10 years old or something?” He mimics the voice of a small boy. “What did you get for Christmas? Geez Louise.” Stanley thinks …
The Ocean Peace Talking Points Meeting (Shortly after 9/11): “OJ, everyone, settle down!” hollers White House Chief of Staff Andy Card. “Here’s the deal. ARI! (Ari Fleischer, White House Press Secretary). Get that pencil out of your nose. I’ve told you a hundred times — that’s not funny or sanitary, especially the sharp end … good grief! Do it yourself …
Lee Harvey Oswald would be proud. Not one, but a disturbing number of Americans, including Donald Trump, are choosing to believe Vladimir Putin over our intelligence agencies. Some even believe that the Russians did us a favor. Kneeling during the National Anthem causes a huge amount of angst among a swath of citizens, but siding with Russia in a case …
“Hey Orv!” shouts Stan. Orville swallows the lime wedge previously floating harmlessly in his vodka gimlet. After almost wrapping up his coughing and gagging jag, he finds enough air, to hoarsely wheeze,” Gat dang it, you commie creep! Quit it with the sneaking up on people. Crimony.” “Who snuck?” objects Stanley. “Have you zero peripheral vision, you old blind goat? …
Stanley rushes into the bar at 1.2 miles per hour and finds Orville nursing a drink. “Orv, I need to borrow $5,000. Do you have that much on you? Fifties, if you got them.” “Gawd. Bartender!” Orv dramatically jabs a bony finger at his glass. “You let the bartender hold your loot, Orv? That seems to grind against your usual …
Forty-five falls ago, I played JV football for Minot High School. Played might be a strong word. Mostly I stood and watched. For history buffs, it was about this time that dark skinned Barack Hussein Obama started planning the formation of ISIS, the confiscation of guns in America and global warming, from his base camp in Kenya, and Donald Milhous …
“Is it your contention, Orv, that the sock cartel is behind this taking off your shoes nonsense at the airport? I think you’re on to something.” “What?” screeches Orville. “No! I never said a word, about anything. I just want to sit here quietly and enjoy my drink.” “Good luck with that,” says Stanley. “So, that wasn’t you? Huh. I …
“Hey Orville. Have you ever been to Minnesota?” “Oh, Stanley; you’ve finally lost it, haven’t you?” Orv asks in a soft sarcastic voice. “Should I call the rest home for you?” “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” responds Stan in a monotone voice. “I resent something. Besides, my delightful impishness has frayed some nerves over there. The split …
“Syria is slightly larger than North Dakota. Did you know that, Orville?” “No, and I don’t really care, you doorknob. What does slightly mean, anyway, bland Stan?” “This canvas disturbs me inside. It’s a seizure waiting to happen.” Stanley stares at a painting on the wall of the restaurant for a couple of minutes, appearing to be in deep thought. …