Well, hell, the Golden Retriever caught the Chevy.
In less than a month, an unqualified senior citizen playboy, wife collector and renowned sex offender will become president of the United States. And I thought Millard Fillmore stuck in my craw.
Russians playing games in our business won’t matter. It’s still going to happen. Obama is meting out punishment, but Trump, of course, wants us to be nice to his pal, Putin, and just forget the whole thing. No free ones.
FBI Director James Comey playing games won’t matter. His day will come. It’s still going to happen.
I still maintain that Trump is a cartoon character. Pure animation. There can’t be a human that behaves like this, let alone a president. Scooby Doo seems as plausible. Yosemite Sam has the funky orange hairdo and temperament. But it doesn’t matter what Donnie is. It’s still going to happen.
Wearing, as usual, a tie that hangs to his knees, Donald Trump will place his left hand on his self-proclaimed favorite book (it perfectly covers a spray tan stain on one of the penthouse third floor coffee tables) and take the oath of office.
“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
DT has never been faithful to anyone, or anything, except himself, so he may need a very large man to apply the Heimlich maneuver in order to get that word spat out. Luckily, birther Donald has plenty of big guys on the payroll. Somebody has to carry him to bed each night, for gosh sake’s.
Also, although Sam Kinison is regrettably dead, a recorded loop of Kinison screaming, “SAY IT!!!! SAY IT!!!” at the “faithfully” part, might be useful. That scene always scares me. From a safe distance, Ivanka, the first lady and daughter, may need to explain to the Don/Dad that he is not actually the Rodney Dangerfield character in “Back to School.” He thinks he’s lots of things that aren’t true, and confusion has obviously seized victory over his brain.
Ability is another key word, and if past performance is any indication, we have a problem. Trump claimed that he lost almost a billion dollars in 1995, and he still screwed a lot of people over that year, so he is no genius. The laundry list of Trump’s tawdry business dealings are well-documented. He was born rich and barely managed to stay that way.
I’m sure he’s heard of the Constitution. One of his lawyers probably mentioned it at some point.
Of course, his two eldest sons, the Menendez brothers, will be lurking about looking for marks and combing black rhino blood into their hair, trying to raise the specter of Gordon Gekko and attempting to not get stuck on anything, or anyone.
Currently, the fashionable retort to anyone who dare criticize the small-handed prince is, “get over it.”
Not going to happen.
Most Americans can’t stand the Trump, or his policies, even if he can remember what they are, or his words don’t change between noon and happy hour. Or he will simply lie, since it is his finest talent. Donnie holds the land speed record for the number of lies told in an hour. Dripping makeup forced him off the stage, before he could run up the score during that particular confusing off-the-cuff stream-of-consciousness rally.
Trump has a small base of actual fans — true believers — including white nationalists, the alt-right, white supremacists and like-minded ilk who actually believe there is going be a giant wall, a huge roundup of undocumented immigrants and a registry of Muslims in America. They started to come out of the woodwork when a black man got elected to the top job, and now the number has grown, and they’re downright giddy.
“Let’s put all of our chips on orange,” they decided. The basket of gullibles.
But they got duped, just like Don’s many victims over the decades. His investors, vendors, taxpayers and craftsmen always get stuck with the bills.
Some of them just want to see the country burn because they’re demented or they think it will return us to golden years of small government and outhouses of the 1800s. A few just want to see how #$%!@ed up things can get, and if anyone can torch the place, it’s Trump. It’s his specialty, along with being a two-faced, three-chinned, howler monkey for children’s parties.
Meanwhile, weasels like our Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, are salivating at the prospect of taking away medical care, food and Social Security. If it helps anyone who needs help, it’s got to go. The rich need more, though, and corporations need more, and they should be unleashed to spread extra havoc, without the bother of regulations — “yes, I’ll have the rancid steak, please”— or concern for the safety or pay of their employees. Oil companies in North Dakota will have even more leeway and power, if that’s possible. “Just stick your head in there kid. What’s the level? A gas mask? Naw.”
Ryan better move quick, though. Trump has no interest in policy. If he can’t boast about something when it’s completed, he couldn’t care less. Don has always used “other people’s money” in his conniving. It’s not a crime in itself, but now he has everybody’s money to fiddle with, so shifting loot around will keep him occupied. His winter layer of fresh creamery butter must jiggle at the thought.
And not for nothing, Trump has used every government real estate tax loophole in the book. It’s close to a billion dollars just in the city of New York. Those who can barely hold back the tears when our current governor has taken a tax incentive for his property deals can rest easier knowing that Doug Burgum’s deals are gnat-sized compared to those of the king sleaze and fondler.
Some anti-Trump voters have suggested that posting news, always embarrassing and of his own doing, about the Don is only helping him, so stop doing it. Poppycock! True news, about anything, needs to be disseminated. Just click on the F icon. No free ones.
Likewise, many times I’ve read someone say that the Fargo Forum’s SayAnythingBlog should simply be ignored because they might make an extra dime from advertising. ForumComm doesn’t care, and the numbers are overstated, anyway. The misinformation pushed by an openly stilted shill that is climate denier Rob Port needs to be kept in check — and called out — when the lies leave his little sausage fingers and his imagination runs wild. If Port sold bagels, I could ignore those, but not the bull$#!@. Make him cry. No free ones.
The comment section of a blog wouldn’t be worth mentioning in most cases, but SAB has the same two dozen Trump supporters, some who must spend 20 hours a day on the blog, and they believe everything the Trump — and the Port — say. It’s like a false news and conspiracy theory incubator, and some of the untruths have made the leap to the pages of the Forum. No free ones.
And the North Dakota Republicans, all who backed Trump, are feeling frisky, as if Trump’s election gives them license to be twice as idiotic. The new session hasn’t started, but several of them have been doing some deep thinking in the past year in preparation. One wants concealed carry of a firearm without getting a permit. Why? I don’t know. Want to go 80 on the Interstate highways? That’s a priority for one legislator. Another wants to get rid of 50 percent of the license plates on automobiles. It bugs him — or something. Very Trump-like. I know these pressing matters keep me up at night.
Won’t the supermajority be surprised when they find out that Trump has no control over the coal and oil markets and that he is 95 percent horse$#!@? Don will likely use his power to get the Dakota Access pipeline under the lake, or he might space it out and order a shrimp cocktail. He sure forgot about Kevin Cramer in record time. But then Trump thinks that only billionaires can be called successes, and Cramer isn’t one of those.
Some people will die. Some will be harmed. It’s the vulnerable that need voices in their corner — and physical assistance from those who can. That’s not hyperbole. Citizens already die because of cruel public policies. They aren’t going to become more humane now.
But the country will survive. So, bring it on. We are not afraid.