RON SCHALOW: George’s Ocean Story

The Ocean Peace Talking Points Meeting (Shortly after 9/11):

“OJ, everyone, settle down!” hollers White House Chief of Staff Andy Card. “Here’s the deal. ARI! (Ari Fleischer, White House Press Secretary). Get that pencil out of your nose. I’ve told you a hundred times — that’s not funny or sanitary, especially the sharp end … good grief! Do it yourself lobotomies, now. Geez.”


Card continues. “Fleischer is the moron who told the press that terrorism was considered as a possibility, after the first tower was hit, which was completely the opposite of our talking point on the first plane. Thanks again, big mouth! It wasn’t easy to scrub that sentence from existence. Luckily, no journalists had to die.”

“Hey, how was I to know?” objects Fleischer. “It seemed obvious. No?”

Presidential Adviser Karen Hughes, chimes in. “But it wasn’t obvious to the president, was it now, Ari?”

“It didn’t seem like it, “ murmurs Ari.

“And you knuckleheads that were with the boss in Sarasota, were a real big help,” scolds Hughes.

Fleischer, Card and Rove (Karl Rove, Senior Adviser and Deputy Chief of Staff) simultaneously shout, “HEY!”

“You weren’t there, Karen,” snaps Karl. “George listens to you. You scare the hell out of him, and most everyone else. It’s not that easy to herd the president, or pound information in. That’s what you and Cheney are for.”

“Oh, for crissakes, Dick’s asleep again,” grouses Hughes. “He didn’t know what to do, either, and Don (Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense) is napping, too. This meeting has gone to hell!”

“I think Rummy twitched.”

“Well, whatever. I hope we all realize that 9/11 was not a success. The president’s approval rating is over 90 percent, for now, because he stood on rubble with a bullhorn, I guess. It defies explanation. We’re going to have to sling a lot of BS, or come up with a HUGE distraction, to get this administration through the next election.”

“Check their pulses,” suggests Card.

“I get Dick’s wallet,” chirps Ari. “If he’s, you know.”

Condi, (Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser) comes to life. “Well, since he’s a asleep, it’s worth mentioning that Donnie was out to lunch until way after it was all over.”

“And dinner,” whispers Ari to Rove.

“Can we get to the point now?” demands Condi. “I got the memo. Oceans? What imbecile would believe this horse$#!*?”

“Bush does,” whispers Ari to Rove.

“I’m not lowering my reputation this deep into the BS well,” barks Condi. “Colin?”

“I think I left my dog at Bed, Bath & Beyond,” mutters Colin (Colin Powell, Secretary of State), as he scurries out the door.

Rice looks stunned, then snarls, “Well, I’m just going to tell the truth.”

“That never works,” says Rove, matter-of-factly. “Is there someone we can scapegoat or smear?”

“You know what, Condi?” barks Card. “Nobody gives a $#!* about your fancy degrees, or facts. Just because you went to pay-attention-type colleges doesn’t mean you’re too good to spread around some moronic manure — so just do it! It could mean a promotion and lots of new shoes.”

“Don’t …”

“Plus, you weren’t exactly doing much for national security on 9/11, either. You decided to convene your regular 9 a.m. meeting, 15 minutes after the first attack, Miss National SECURITY Adviser.”

“Hey, we ALL thought it was a small plane, objects Rice. “Right?”

“Well, we all do now,” mutters Hughes. “Would it have killed you to call someone in New York, Condi? The first airliner took out seven stories. It was a big goddamn hole, but you go on with your day. What kind of pastries did you have while our country was being attacked?”

“It was an assortment, if you must know.”

Rumsfeld starts to come alive, so Hughes says, “Look at Don. He’s not too proud — dang, he’ll say anything, even if it’s incomprehensible gibberish.”

“Damn right,” agrees a yawning Rumsfeld. “As long as I get to destroy Iraq at some point, and send in our troops with subpar equipment, I’m up for anything. We don’t know what we never knew we knew something knew. I’ll work on it.”

“OK Don, you can go back to …”

Rumsfeld rambles on. “Ooh! Let’s tell everyone that Saddam has a nuclear bomb. That will scare the cholesterol right out of the rubes. And let’s loosen up the definition on weapons of mass destruction a bit, just to be on the safe side. A can of Raid can kill a few dozen people, if you do it right. Cheney is on board, too. Where’s Dick? Anyway, there’s oil there, so, you know, and that old SOB bathes in the stuff. Doctors orders, he claims. It’s over my head.”

“I think he’s dead,” whispers Ari to Rove.

Card tries to regain control. “Now, again — here’s the plan. Just like it said on the memo. Whenever you open your mouth, be sure to mention how the oceans have protected us until 9/11, and woe is us now, for they no longer keep the evildoers out, and we all just found out. Naturally, we would have no way to predict such thing, considering all of that deep cold water, and voracious sea creatures. Got it? Vastness, huge oceans, what a shocker — how did they cross the vast waters and hurt us? My heavens, nobody knew the seas would let us down. You can’t overstate the vastness.”

“Well, bloody bollox,” moans Condi. “I was in London just last week, you wankers.”


There’s Too Damn Much Lurking Going On … Stupid Lurkers

Bush: U.S. No Longer Secured By Oceans.

And those uppity guard dolphins swam off months ago.

“The United States is no longer secure because we’ve got oceans. We’re vulnerable to attack, as we learned so vividly. My job is to not only deal with problems, people kind of run around and lurk, my job is also to anticipate problems.” — GEORGE BUSH

It’s true: Ever since the boat was invented, we’ve had nothing but trouble.


Sharks On Atkins
Bush: We’re Vulnerable To Attack.

The education president teaches us all a lesson in delusional alternate theories of reality.

“I’ve told you the strategic vision of our country shifted dramatically, and it shifted dramatically [after 9/11] because we now recognize that oceans no longer protect us, that we’re vulnerable to attack.” — GEORGE BUSH


One If By Land, Two If By …

Bush Confident Two Oceans Would Protect America.

And a nine iron behind the front door.

“As a matter of fact, it was very difficult to link any attack on the American soil, because prior to September the 11th, we were confident that two oceans could protect us from harm.” — GEORGE BUSH

Over Deluded: Bush knew al Qaeda was planning an attack, and he knew there were cells in the United States. He just didn’t think they could pull it off with the oceans sitting there, so ominous-like. It could happen to anyone.


The Birth Of Nautical Navigation Occurred Around 3500 BC.


A Big Wall Of Nets Might Work

Time, Distance, Or Vast Oceans Won’t Protect Us.

And Rumsfeld is frigging nuts — so we’re pretty much screwed.

“Time and distance from the events of September the 11th will not make us safer unless we act on its lessons. America is no longer protected by vast oceans.” —GEORGE BUSH


The Oceans Were In The Sale Bin

9/11 Was Just A Noisy And Vivid Lesson.

Imagine how the nonocean countries feel — they’re really in for it.

“The United States is no longer secure because we’ve got oceans. We’re vulnerable to attack, as we learned so vividly.” — GEORGE BUSH


Oh, How Naïve We Was

Cheney Has Learned His Lesson.

Operating only on plausible assumptions now.

“Don’t operate on the assumption that somehow because we live behind two oceans we’re immune to attack. We now know we’re not.” — DICK CHENEY

Moby Dick: “Truly, it was a hell of a shock,” said Cheney. “I tried crossing the ocean once and sank like an anvil.”


Earthquake Screws Up Ocean Protection

Rice Explains The Ocean Thing To Hughes.

Word for word just like Karen wrote it.

“I remember Condoleezza Rice saying to me, “Karen, September 11 was an earthquake across the international security environment. If our oceans no longer protect us, it changes the way we have to look at everything.” — KAREN HUGHES

Tag off: Now it’s your turn Condi. “I remember Karen Hughes saying …”


She’s Became The Secretary Of State For Some Reason

Military Options Diminished Then For Some Reason.

Oceans can be so moody.

“You can have lots of plans but unless — since the United States sits protected by oceans, or no longer protected — the United States sits across oceans — unless you find a way to get regional cooperation from Pakistan, from the Central Asian countries, you’re going to be left with essentially stand-off options, meaning bombers and cruise missiles, because you’re not going to have the full range of military options.” — CONDI RICE

Spit it out: You can say it, Condi … big oceans, sat by, sits across and so on. Even if it doesn’t fit into the context of the message you’re trying to convey — oh so big and watery. Unfathomable depths. Like totally wet, man.


They’ll Figure How To Get Across The Atlantic Sooner Or Later.

In 1999 and 2000 three blue-chip commissions issued reports. The three panels reached similar conclusions…the threat posed by terrorism is imminent.


Be Happy

Not Worried About Attack On Homeland.

Hence the problem.

“Well, of course, the American view of itself and its own vulnerability changed immediately. We had been protected by shores, by great oceans. We’d not had to worry about an attack on the homeland in a long, long time.” — CONDI RICE

Big @$$ mirror: America viewed itself and said, “Omigosh, I’m vulnerable! My shores have gone AWOL and the oceans hardly drown anyone except for George Clooney, and that took a perfect storm and bad judgement. I should find someone who is like the fifth smartest person in his own family to lead and protect me.”


“It’s not a lie if you believe it.” — George Costanza

One thought on “RON SCHALOW: George’s Ocean Story”

  • susan gorr December 21, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    It’s sad to remember the ineptitude of this cast of characters.


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