RON SCHALOW: Port Fiction

Ruth Buffalo wrote a perfectly sane, accurate and compelling letter-to-the-editor a few days ago, but the truthfulness was more than the Ward County Red Snouted Port could bear. Sad.

I have never met Ruth Buffalo, but I know she is very smart because I can read and comprehend. And educated. She is also quite pretty and has a beautiful family. And I’m betting that her hair smells like lilacs.

Forum Communications Rob Port, the antidote to proper newspapering, is a liar and probably a poor bowler. I think my microwave told me that while the corned beef hash was spinning in the window like an AC/DC LP. Look it up.

Port calls the people who studied journalism, other college knowledge stuff and grasp the difference between a noun and a duckbill platypus his colleagues. I worked at Microsoft for a spell. Bill Gates wasn’t my colleague. Doug Burgum wasn’t my colleague. Most in the adjoining cells just called me, “Would you please just shut up. I’m begging you.”

I still don’t know how to do a pivot table with Excel, if that’s still a thing, but I know that loud cursing is part of the process. I took my leave before the storm troopers — or they could have just been guys with an ungodly number of keys — would bring the plastic personal belonging tub and follow along on the perp walk to the door, lest a paunchy 50-year-old — that’s the sell by date — load up on medium tip Sharpies and make a fortune on the black marker market.

I’ll get back to the liar, but that’s how Microsoft and Great Plains Software handled North Dakota people, some who put in 20, 25 years, building the business — real professionals— just to make the books look better to a buyer or to hire punks, like business casual khaki covered Ports who would work for the half the price. Not respectful. Not the family we were told. The governor knows all about this. Port thinks he likes him. To play the brat. Yes.

But I digress, as the Portweasel says regularly. Because you can’t go wrong with a cliche or the word of the day. Just use flip calendar for the date, or burn it, for crissakes. That’s it.

Nobody is allowed to talk negatively about Port’s oil friends, who use him like a player piano. That includes special pal, Congressman Kevin Cramer. Kev may as well make it official and sign on with the North Dakota Petroleum Council. It no doubt pays better.

Here’s Port’s beef with Ruth Buffalo and how his sorrowful brain decides to neutralize the truth. His headline, which may — or may not — have been promoted by the shameless InForum, the Grand Forks Herald and the Dickinson Press on their webpages.

“Democrat Who Got 26 Percent of the Vote Now Telling Us What North Dakotans Want on Flaring Rule”

Pieces are true, but put the words together, and you have another flaming pile of falsehood. Fake news. Port’s stock-in-trade. Who reads past a Port headline? BillyBob666 and a few others in the alt-right fecal fouled nest, I guess.

Then he writes, Blah, blah, blah, “letters to the editor are usually an exercise in Astroturf, on both sides of the issue, which means they usually aren’t worth commenting on.”

“But I had to say something about this letter from Ruth Buffalo who ran for Insurance commissioner on the Democratic ticket last year,” Port babbled on.

He just had to, but normally he would be too busy fretting about nature. But for this, he would break his rigid protocol and do the dance — for the children.

If Port were truthful, and he isn’t, he would admit that he slurs every person who has had the good sense, and a functional keyboard, to call him out on his unique type of logic slurry, or talks trash about about any of the industries and politicians Robbie shills for.

Compared to Port, Donald Trump has the thick exterior of a dressage dancing Aldabra giant tortoise. #Snowflake

Port continues to type nonsense. There has to be a software program to help someone like the witless wonder. Or the ability to use the Google.

Ruth: “North Dakotans support cutting natural gas waste,” reads the headline over Buffalo’s letter.

Ruth: “I was disheartened to hear that my elected representative, Rep. Kevin Cramer, is so determined to repeal the common-sense protections that will help North Dakotans and members of the Three Affiliated Tribes from natural gas waste,” she writes.

Port: “There are a couple of points worth making here.”

Port: “First, Ruth Buffalo received just 26 percent of the vote last year. Her opponent, Republican Jon Godfread, received 64 percent. Yet Buffalo is now an expert on what North Dakotans want.”

First of all, nobody, not anyone, needs more than zero percent in any election to voice their opinion. You don’t even need to run in an election, or in a marathon, or run the water, to shoot your mouth off in this country.

Ask Port. He might be able to run 10 feet, but no one knows. He’s rarely seen in the wild. An armadillo could outrun the most influential political blogger in state, as Port claims, if you startled the armored little beast. I heard that from one of Obama’s hacker and wiretapping pals, I think.

Also, Buffalo never claimed to be an expert, although maybe she is. Port just made that up. He’s been making crap up about people for years, doing little smear jobs, but the weasel really likes to set his sights on strong women, and Natives.

Oh well, let lumpy keep talking.

“C’mon. North Dakotans have made it pretty clear in one election after another that they aren’t buying what liberal Democrats like Buffalo are selling. Which isn’t to say she can’t keep trying to sell us her bill of goods. Just that she maybe shouldn’t say she’s talking for some majority of citizens in the state,” drools Port. It’s not pretty. Is that gravy?

We’ve already sorted out this election thing — it’s not relevant — and Democrats, liberal or otherwise, weren’t in Buffalo’s letter. She never claimed to speak for the Democratic Party, and she never said she was speaking for the majority of North Dakotans. The polling does, though.

Port came up with that bull$#!* in his “Gibberish for Idiots” book. This is where college might have helped the lad, but he couldn’t hack it. Not my fault. Sad.

Ruth Buffalo didn’t personally claim anything. Her statement: “A full 76 percent of North Dakotans support cutting natural gas waste on federal and tribal lands, including Republicans, Independents and Democrats,” originated from a poll taken by the Republican Public Opinion Strategies.

She told the absolute truth. I figured that out in about five minutes, but I’m just a dumb old lib$%#@ with a bad attitude and an Internet connection.

So, Port tells a lie by omitting pertinent information, all in order to slur Ruth Buffalo. Childlike. Shameless. Dishonest.

Port tightens the knot around his neck. “Second, Buffalo invokes the interests of the Three Affiliated Tribes, of which she is a member. Problem is, the tribe’s leadership supports overturning this rule.”

No she did not.

Unless Port is inferring that as a Native, Buffalo has to agree with every other Native American, or that she is required to agree with the leaders of her Tribe. She doesn’t and isn’t. And more than the hamhock from Minot is required to agree with the leaders of us white people.

“Buffalo presumes to speak for North Dakotans, and for the MHA Nation, when she really has no standing to speak for either.”

No, she did not.

Ruth said, “North Dakota’s energy resources are important for us to be able to provide for our people, but right now because of outdated and ineffective guidelines, too much of our natural gas is wasted. This waste means less tax revenue for tribes, affecting our bottom line.”

Is Port in favor of waste? Less tax revenue? He doesn’t care. He’s a poor excuse of a mouthpiece for big oil, being a liar and all. Maybe somebody else is up for the challenge? I’m sure another @$$hole could cover a few shifts. Maybe Trump has some time on his tiny hands between rounds of golf and Twittering insults.

“When methane, the primary component of natural gas, is released, so are toxics such as benzene, threatening the health of those living closest to oil and gas well sites. And for people that are struggling to make ends meet, the last thing we should have to worry about is the air we breathe,” continues Buffalo.

That is a true statement. I like a good sniff of benzene in the morning, but it’s not for everyone. Straight methane? I’m in heaven. Perhaps. It’s a tough call.

Buffalo: “I was disheartened to hear that my elected representative, Rep. Kevin Cramer, is so determined to repeal the common-sense protections that will help North Dakotans and members of the Three Affiliated Tribes from natural gas waste.”

I’m disheartened by most things that come out of Cramer’s mouth. Nauseous, really. Has anyone sucked up to a lunatic like 45, so openly since a moron said, “Sure, I’ll be Tyler, too. What’s a Tippecanoe?” He was no friend of the Natives, either, and also had a fear of white garments.

“The oil and gas industry is determined to override the will of the American people. A full 76 percent of North Dakotans support cutting natural gas waste on federal and tribal lands, including Republicans, Independents and Democrats.”

This is true. Backed up by a Republican polling firm, as I noted. Why does Port forget to report, or whatever you call what he does, these statistics. His “colleagues” would have. That’s what he might have heard on the talking painting in the bedroom.

Buffalo again. “We (speaking for the 76 percent) hope that Sens. Heidi Heitkamp and John Hoeven do not make the same mistake. We urge them to help the people of North Dakota get a fair share of their resources and not put the health of our state ahead of the oil and gas lobby.”

Good luck with that, but we can hope. The Legislature will probably give Harold Hamm the $12 we have left.

“The industry wants to be able to do whatever they want, whenever they want, even if it hurts us. We need oil and gas development to be done responsibly,” writes Buffalo.

It’s true. The oil industry has run roughshod over this state, and the sycophants, including Port, just wave at them. He once wrote that it shouldn’t matter where the exploding trains came from. Doofus. Like we don’t want to know where the rancid meat originated so we can fix the problem. Actually, no Republican in a North Dakota office wanted to fix the problem.

Port rationalized the enormous number of worker deaths in the Bakken. He rationalized every type of spill. Put him in a cheerleader outfit, already. Ugh.

Of course, our congressman, with a straight face, said that it was discrimination to call Bakken crude, Bakken crude. He was worried that people might find out who had the most explosive gases in their tankers of crude. He didn’t say what we should call it, though. Short attention span.

Port and Cramer. Cut from the same white cloth.

Buffalo wraps up her letter. “Our senators should stand up for North Dakotans to ensure that we see the return on our resources and improved quality of life.”

Shouldn’t they? I thought that was the idea of this whole Republic thing, but then you have those screaming howler monkeys who will lie to advance the wishes of the most profitable industry the world has ever seen.

Port is a liar.

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