RON SCHALOW: The Congressman Wears Prada

Donald Trump was standing at the podium, addressing a joint session of Congress, explaining to the American people how badly the State of the Union sucked, and they best hide. Stupid Kenyan!

He gazed to the right when some of the Democrats laughed after a sentence because the words were so absurd, based on reality, it was impossible to muffle the giggling. You had to be there. Of course, Trump has no sense of humor, or self- awareness, so he was baffled. Then, he noticed a bloc dressed in white, his favorite color, and it wasn’t the KKK this time.

Sitting on the other side of the great hall, Republican Congressman Kevin Cramer fumed. Nobody chortles when the Trump is speaking. Then and there, the court smirker went into deep thought, comparable to a Vulcan mind meld, but for one, which nearly brought on an aneurism and annoyed the light sleepers nearby. He needed a plan to avenge what he regarded as an unforgivable affront to his king.

A convoluted Bible verse wouldn’t work this time. Those Cramer misinterpretations are reserved for hungry children who don’t have jobs.

It seems like just last week when the congressman was lying on WDAY-AM about Indivisible-FM and the people who attended an open to the public “Coffee with Cramer” town hall — with Rob “squeaky” Port, his soul mate. One day, they hope to cut a rug together on “Dancing with the Stars,” if proper fitting sequined leotards exist.

Port gets livid when his pal has to deal with the riff-raff; folks who have questions, like what will replace the Affordable Care Act — just life and death minutiae — and his buddy has no clue. Are people expecting Congress to govern? Provide solutions? This is madness.

For those who don’t know, Forum Communication blogger Rob Port was born in Wasilla, Alaska, the town made famous by Sarah Palin. Evidently, the woman who made most Americans think that John McCain had gone senile used to baby-sit for the cherubic Port and told him stories of the socialistic Alaskan habit of sharing oil wealth with — gasp — the people. Robbie was appalled and threw his Gerber deep-dish squash and bacon mush at Palin, but the beauty queen had already quit and split. Food gone bye-bye.

Rumor has it, little Port could also see into the neighbor’s fridge from his portable kid jail in the living room, which was creepy for the folks next door, especially since they didn’t have a kitchen window, leading to the first restraining order for a toddler in Wasilla.

Currently, the scamp spends his free time tracking the amount of garbage leaving the Oceti camp. Not that he’s been there, but Port recently discovered that if one of those skinny one-person buildings is knocked over, there is a deep hole dug into the earth, with human waste at the bottom. It was shocking.

Do American Indians also have gastrointestinal tracts, like the Caucasians? Yes, it turns out. They also fill the hole with dirt, when it’s purpose is accomplished, just like millions of white folks with functional bowels did for centuries. We used to call them outhouses, but the youngster considers them some sort of environmental scandal. Kids.

When not counting latrines, Port runs interference for Cramer, as I’ve noted. He wrote two slanderous blog posts about Indivisible-FM because discrediting the chosen enemy is how he operates. His second post was titled, “Group Which Hosted Feisty Cramer Town Hall in Fargo Caught Stage Managing Event in Another State,” which had no relationship with the truth, since the story was about an entirely different group in Louisiana. No matter.

Port knows that the average visitor to his site spends less than a minute before realizing they meant to go to Amazon. But should they read a false headline, without dipping into the literary treasure that masquerades as content, it’s all they know. It’s fake news on a stick for those on the run.

Then, our still simmering congressman unleashes his plan, to teach those pantsuited women, who wounded the Homo habilis part of his brain, some sort of fashion lesson. Of course, people who have heard of — or seen — an outhouse, would know that Homo habilis went extinct several million years ago. Or did they? If a few strands of DNA snuck by the goalie, it would explain the density of the oblongata muscle, where the sense glands are normally located, in this particular Cramer.

So, unhindered by a mouth filter, Cramer, playing the protective Pomeranian in this embarrassing episode, goes on CNN after flapping his gums elsewhere. He said the women “were really there to be rude to Donald Trump. That was obvious, not just, not by their clothes, but in addition to their clothing, their gestures, their hand gestures, their thumbs down, their quick exit from the gallery ahead of the president. Their behavior in general.”

This is the same congressman who shouted an orgasmic “YES,” when the president mentioned the Dakota Access pipeline. And 14 old men reflexively said, “I’ll have what he’s having.” Dignity is relative.

This line is getting old, though. After the town hall in Fargo, a sobbing Cramer ran to Rob “wind beneath Kev’s wings” Port to explain what Indivisible-FM was really there for, an evil motive he made up. And Port ate it up, like a deep-dish rhubarb pie.

The women wore white for crazy reasons. In memory of the suffrage movement, affordable health care, reproductive rights, equal pay, paid leave and as an acknowledgement to the start of Women’s History Month. Have they no shame?

Akin to a “disease,” Cramer said, “It is a syndrome. There is no question, there is a disease associated with the notion that a bunch of women would wear bad-looking white pantsuits in solidarity with Hillary Clinton — he made that up — to celebrate her loss. You cannot get that weird.” Plus, “they looked silly.” I had no idea.

“I don’t buy their argument that it was a celebration of suffrage. I think they should be celebrating the fact that there were women members of Congress sitting in a joint session, listening to the president of the United States on equal footing as a co-equal branch — and sort of get over this notion that somehow we have to be offended all the time.”

Oh, lucky females. They get to be in the same room with the boys. And it seems as though Cramer is one who is offended.

“I call it a syndrome, or this sort of denial of the outcome of the election,” he said. “It was just a really ugly display … of denial. It’s time for Hillary’s supporters to get over the outcome of the election.”

“To put it on display like that at a joint session of Congress is undignified to say the least,” Cramer said. “It violates the common decency of the chamber.”

I think a fake fire and brimstone preacher calling any number of female senators and congresswomen liars violates the decency of his office, and perhaps laws regarding slander.

Trump doesn’t add to the decency of any office, event or space, but that cognitive dissonance only hurts Kevin’s right toe, just before a winter thunderstorm.

“We don’t need our sensitivity to get in the way of even robust dialogue.”

Then quit being so sensitive about what the other kids are wearing, Kev.

“As I tell people, I come from normalville,” Cramer said.

No. No, you don’t. You are not a normal person. Quit saying that.

Was Cramer freaked out by the number of males wearing dark blue or dark black pantsuits, with a blue or red tie? What’s the message? It can’t be coincidence.

Did it bother him that Vice President Mike Pence and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan were wearing identical pantsuits, matching jewelry, or that Pence appears to apply white shoe polish to a possibly smooth gourd? It should. Twins shouldn’t be mocked by the No. 2 and No. 3 in our government. Things are frightening enough.

And, how about the Rubik’s Cube of fuzz, fur, lint, who knows, and adhesives, that sit on the presidential dome? Isn’t it a distraction trying to figure out how many structural engineers are on call and ordered to wind that abnormal web into something resembling the hairline of the Tianzhu White Yak? It keeps me up.

So, Port rolls out the cannons before Cramer continues his yammering on CNN. Here’s the headline. Too pithy?

“Kevin Cramer Insulted a Bunch of Democratic Women Over What They Were Wearing And, Honestly, Who Cares?”

Evidently, Cramer cares, because he won’t shut up about it. Everyone else just thinks he’s a joke. Honestly.

Port starts with this. “But by the way, did you notice how poorly several of them were dressed as well?” Congressman Kevin Cramer asked, rhetorically …”

Either Port doesn’t know what rhetoric means, which wouldn’t be a surprise, or he’s trying to change the narrative. No. 2 is my guess. The congressman offered his opinion, in plain language, however foolish.

“He was referring to a group of female Democrats who wore white as an attempt to “troll” President Donald Trump during his speech last night,” Port continued.

This is one of Port’s favorite tactics. He assigns a negative motive, no matter the facts, to his target, then builds a blog post around the falsehood.

The blogger goes on: “I wish Cramer hadn’t made those remarks. They come off as petty and mean-spirited and completely out of character.”

Cramer is petty and mean-spirited. That Port hasn’t noticed is a testament to his less than mediocre talent as a political pundit and his allegiance to his buddy, which ain’t for nothing.

“While North Dakota’s at-large congressman has a black belt in political pugilism, he’s not typically prone to personal insults.”

I include this Port quote because I find it funny. Pugilism? I wish.

Rob’s on a roll. “Cramer said something mean about a group of women who were trying to imply something mean about President Trump. That he doesn’t support women’s rights or something.”

Somebody wake up the expert on everything. Breitbart dude is running the country, and those types, including Port, believe that white men are suffering because of woman and everyone else. Victimhood much?

“The color white is a reference to the suffragette movement. Are we supposed to believe that Trump is going to remove from women the right to vote?”

False premise. Red herring. Green mackerel. Nobody suggested such a thing. If Trump wears a Navy jacket and cap, are we supposed to believe he has the courage to join up?

He’s on fire now. “Are we supposed to believe the millions and millions of women who cast their ballots for Trump were voting against their own rights?”


One of Port’s favorite rhetorical devices. “Are Democrats the only arbiters of what is and is not the right sort of public policy for women?”

Who said that, and what does it have to do with the topic? Nobody and nothing.

“And if we can’t mock a bunch of grandstanding politicians, who can we mock?”

If we can’t mock a grandstanding Kevin Cramer, who can we mock? Louie Gohmert, I suppose. Or Steve King. All three are card-carrying members of the Bellevue Caucus. Even the right-wing fringe considers them kooks.

“Petty political insults are one thing, but this weaponized victimhood Democrats deploy as a distraction from substantive policy debates is even more obnoxious,” whines Port.

I feel his pain. Having an imaginary talking point can he hard. Cramer willingly supplied this distraction, though. All the was missing were the big floppy shoes, red rubber nose and Trump hair.

Poor Rob. “The people who carry on as though everyone who dissents from liberal orthodoxy is a backward, misogynistic bigot have little moral high ground to get up in arms over a congressman saying something juvenile about clothing.”

More self-pity, but if he ever read his own cesspool of a comment section, sometimes the pantsuit fits.

What Port thought of Trump, and his fans, before the election.

  • “Trump knows exactly how dumb his supporters are and has manipulated their ignorance to great effect.”
  • “Trump seems content to pander to actual paranoid racists.”
  • “I do not think Trump should win the presidency, however. He’s an embarrassment. He is not fit to lead our country.”

A Short List of the Things That Kevin Cramer Can Abide

  • Adultery.
  • Sexual assault.
  • Redlining.
  • Fake universities — scams.
  • Compulsive lying.
  • Tax-dodging.
  • Draft-dodging.
  • Tenant intimidation.
  • Hiring undocumented workers.
  • Antitrust violations.
  • Condo hotel shenanigans.
  • Inciting violence.
  • Mocking a disabled man.
  • Refusing to pay workers and contractors.
  • Trump Institute.
  • Misogyny.
  • Xenophobia.
  • Undocumented models
  • The Trump Foundation
  • Russia.

And on and on, over the horizon …

5 thoughts on “RON SCHALOW: The Congressman Wears Prada”

  • Therese Tiedeman March 4, 2017 at 12:01 pm

    Keep the heat on these ignorant asses! Thanks

  • Ron Schalow March 4, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    Will do, Therese

  • "Baghdad" Bob Rogne March 4, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    Does Port’s blog-composing software have a “now might be an appropriate time to alliterate” prompt, that randomly generates a spew of stupid, pointless word salad?

    ““While North Dakota’s at-large congressman has a black belt in political pugilism, he’s not typically prone to personal insults.”

  • Ron Schalow March 5, 2017 at 10:32 am

    With personality poor Port, it’s possible probable.

  • Steve Stark March 16, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    Ron, I’m reading this for the third time. Brilliant, hilarious, sad, and did I mention brilliant?


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