RON SCHALOW: Of Belts, Bush, Socks And Glass

“Is it your contention, Orv, that the sock cartel is behind this taking off your shoes nonsense at the airport? I think you’re on to something.”

“What?” screeches Orville. “No! I never said a word, about anything. I just want to sit here quietly and enjoy my drink.”

“Good luck with that,” says Stanley. “So, that wasn’t you? Huh. I suppose it could have been another ugly guy. Imagine what he goes through every morning, when the mirror sneaks up on him. Oh, you would …”

“Go shout at some parked cars, you @$$hat, or drink your Coke in silence. You’re no goddamn prize hog, either, you stupid defeatocrat.”

Stan ignores Orv’s outburst. “Now that you mention it, it makes sense though, doesn’t it? Who wants a bunch of strangers to see you strolling along in a pair of ratty old socks? I sure wouldn’t. If I ever go anywhere, I’m buying new socks. You know how the media would spin it, if I wore old socks. And some slip-ons. Laces might be an invite to get the taser. Can you see any other reason, Orv? I imagine the ordeal would be tough on your nylons?”

“Perhaps, the threat of terrorism, you traitorous America hater!”

“No, I think you are right about the socks. Our president lied about 9/11 dozens of times and we get all weak-kneed when one moron tries to set his shoes on fire? Puleeze. It’s the socks — and perhaps Johnson & Johnson. Everyone has to buy a new bottle of shampoo — and whatever else is banned — at Hector International Airport. I take the train so that I can keep my hair looking lustrous — and my boots on. I suppose you would need a vat of Turtle Wax. Is that still a thing?”

“Did you just smear George W. Bush, you terrorist coddling @^&*$$%? He is a good God-fearing man.”

“You didn’t know, Orv? That’s surprising. It was right in the 9/11 Commission Report. They managed to publish a few worthwhile historical facts. Not a word about socks. Or God.”

“I didn’t read it,” growls Orville. “What a waste of time and money. It was sneak attack, and that’s all there’s to it. What could Bush have done? Are you one of those weird truther guys?”

“Attackzzz. Four of them. I don’t think Georgie boy could conspire his way out a walk-in closet — with a neon exit sign above the door. You know, we spend a zillion dollars to defend against terrorism, but cops are getting executed while they sit in their squad cars. One of the last ones was writing out a ticket, and some @$$hole walks up to the driver side window and kills him. George was probably painting pictures of his toes at the time. No socks in the tub.”

“Wait, what?”

“Who knows what the poor man was painting, but why don’t police cars have bullet-proof glass — and Coke on tap? We have the technology. Don’t expect George to lie your way out of this one. All of his cars have it, plus armor, all the way around.”

“Bullet-proof glass is very expensive,” explains Orv.

“I don’t care.”

Orville’s face is getting redder. “Don’t care? You tyranny loving idiot! You have to care!”

“George told the Commission that nobody told him that sock-wearing terrorists were in the country. Did he think they wouldn’t read his daily reports? Fargo cops were wearing helmets that wouldn’t wouldn’t stop a bullet from rifle, and I don’t care how much they cost.”

“Where was the city supposed to get the money, you lib#@&% socialist?”

“Not from Trump, that’s for sure. A private bank stepped up with the cash, to pay a bill that belonged to the citizens. The UK has more land than should fit on that little island. I’m beginning to doubt the maps. Downtown Abbey took up half of the country. Do they have school buses over there, Orv? Did you notice any during the war?”

“I was in Vietnam, you screwball. So were you. I assume they have school buses in England. Why wouldn’t they, Stan?” Orv asks, as his voice rises.

“I didn’t see George during our war. Did you? But if he had known about al-Qaeda cells in the United States, he would have done something, he said. Maybe he would have gone to his hobby campaign ranch to clear some brush. Unusual hobby. George is one funny dude. Our hats weren’t of much use, were they, those metal ones?”

“Quit besmirching GW!”

“I don’t know how Al-Qaeda does it, but most of our school buses don’t have seat belts. Astronauts aren’t strapped in as well as toddlers going to the grocery store, but as soon as they hit the age for kindergarten, we just toss them in a cargo container and send them off like scrap metal. It’s criminal. Six little kids died just this last week, when the bus flipped.”

“Accidents happen.”

“One of the genius news announcers on the WDAY radio said we don’t KNOW if the lack of seat belts made any difference in the outcome. Sure, our kids are durable. They can take a good bouncing around the inside of a rolling bus. I don’t KNOW if WDAY Pokemon dude can dress himself in the morning. I’ll need proof. Then, he wondered how we would be able to make sure the kids stayed buckled in. Figure it out! We can remotely keep felons from leaving their yards, but this is an unsolvable problem, for crissakes? Tell me why we don’t have seat belts on school buses, Orv? Is this Obama’s fault?”

“It’s expensive.”

“I don’t care,” shouts Stan. “Let the jamokes pay. The ones using this country like an ATM. At least the bus driver over in Moorhead stopped — before losing it. Even FOX News reported that there were terrorist cells in this country, and they’re usually as reliable as an inebriated goat. Good gawd. England is smaller than North Dakota. Where did all of the Royals live? The aristocrats needed elbow room for jousting. I do get startled when I walk by a mirror. Even if I don’t look.”

“All of you lazy dopey hippies think that somebody else will pay for these things. Why don’t you pass the hat among your Marxist buddies; then buy some safe cop car and school buses. You’re all like children. I’m not paying any more taxes, if that’s where you pea brain is headed.”

“I didn’t know we had a choice whether to pay, but I suppose I could use that steel hat I got from somebody. It’s dented up, but I don’t think anyone will mind. Boy, those little guys were mad at us. I don’t know who instigated the hostilities, but we, I assume, bombed the $#%&@!$ out of that humid, bug-infested place. Were you there when that @$$hole of a sneaky croc pulled Dusty under the water? Maybe we could do fewer of those futile excursions and spend the extra loot on useful things.”

“Not going to happen, you naive sushi-eating nut case. The politicians, and their bosses decide that stuff, and terrorism scares the #&*%%$ out of people; not buses and cop cars. It’s good for business. Grow up!”

“Did you know that Denmark gets all of its electricity from wind power?”

“No,” says Orv. “and I don’t care. What’s your point, Moonbat?”

“We should be able to figure out how to get bulletproof glass and seat belts. Damn Danes, with their fancy socks.”

# # #

“He (President George W. Bush) said that if his advisers had told him there was a (terrorist) cell in the United States, they would have moved to take care of it.” —GEORGE BUSH TO 9/11 COMMISSION

Aug. 6, 2001 Presidential Daily Brief
Al0-Qaeda members — including some who are U.S. citizens — have resided in or traveled to the U.S. for years, and the group apparently maintains a support structure that could aid attacks.

“Intelligence officials tell FOX NEWS they have information that in the past two months hundreds of bin Laden’s operatives have left his training camps in Afghanistan and elsewhere to various locations around the globe, including the U.S.”  — RITA COSBY FOX NEWS DECEMBER 28, 1999

Aug. 6, 2001 Presidential Daily Brief
Nevertheless, FBI information since (1998) that time indicates patterns of suspicious activity in this country consistent with preparations for hijackings or other types of attacks, including recent surveillance of federal buildings in New York.

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