TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — The Transcript

SEPT. 27, 2018, WASHINGTON — Senate Judicial Committee Chairman Charles Grassley is seated. Brett Kavanaugh fastidiously adjusts the items on his desk. Cory Booker snaps a selfie. Jeff Flake nervously chews a Lifesaver. Lindsey Graham pages through the latest edition of Good Housekeeping.

GRASSLEY: (whispers) “Where’s my gavel? Sen. Feinstein, did you swipe my gavel?”

FEINSTEIN: (snores softly) “Huh, wah? Oh. I’ll take the flounder. Give me the flounder.”

AN AIDE: (whispers) “It’s in your hand, sir.”

KAVANAUGH: “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! Scurrilous allegations! I’m ruined! AND I WENT TO YALE! I worked my butt off! Uphill, both ways! In a blizzard! I played football! I HAVE GREAT JUDICIAL TEMPERAMENT!”

GRASSLEY: (slams gavel) “Order! Would the victim please get down off the desk so we can begin this underhanded liberal witch hunt.”

KAVANAUGH: “O’ Captain, my captain!” (jumps down, sticks the landing)


KAVANAUGH: “Lies! Lies! I never touched you! NEVER! I’M A VIRGIN!”

PROSECUTOR: “Umm, yes … Sir, what’s your favorite color?”

KAVANAUGH: “I don’t remember anything! Not a thing! In fact, where am I? This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife … Who are you people?”

BOOKER: (rises heroically) “I am Spartacus!”

SEN. RICHARD BLUMENTHAL: “Yeah? Well, I was with Westmoreland in Vietnam when we took Bunker Hill …”

GRASSLEY: “You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They’re out of order!”

PROSECUTOR: “Judge, what is your favorite food?”

KAVANAUGH: “I know! I know this one! (waves hand frantically) Pick me! Pick me!”

PROSECUTOR: “Proceed.”

KAVANAUGH: “Beer nuts! Beer cheese soup! Beer butt chicken! Anything with beer! I like beer. Is that OK with everyone? I drank copious amounts — kegs at a time — but never to excess! There, are you happy now? Hey, Sen. Klobuchar, I bet you like to hang one on, right? Brewskies after a long day of conspiring with the Clintons? FOR GOD’S SAKE, I BRUSHED MY TEETH!”

PROSECUTOR: “Thank you.”

KAVANAUGH: “And I puked a lot. So what? I STILL LIKE BEER! Geez, make a federal case out of it, why don’t you? You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! WHO DOESN’T LIKE BEER!?”

FEINSTEIN: (off mike) “Where’s my flounder?”

SEN. DICK DURBIN: “I want you to look the president’s counsel in the eye and tell him you want an FBI investigation to clear your name.”

KAVANAUGH: (folds arms defiantly) “Sniff. Sniff.”

GRAHAM: “This is a sham! A charade! A bamboozle! A bamboozley sham-charade! Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee! (pounds desk with white-gloved hand) You want fairness in this town? #MeToo! #MeToo! Well, you came to the wrong place! You’d have to go to Yale for that! (Someone starts humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”) Oh, the humanity! As God is my witness, they’re are not going to lick us. (fanning furiously now) We’re going to live through this and when it’s all over, we’ll never be hungry again! (louder humming) If we have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, as God is my witness we’ll never be hungry again!” (swoons)

SEN. JOHN KENNEDY: “Do you believe in God, son?”

KAVANAUGH: “I WENT TO CHURCH! And there are no sexual assaults recorded on my calendar. How much more proof do you need? I AM VERY MOSTLY INNOCENT! Who you gonna believe, me and God … or my raging drunk, barfly alcoholic, drug addict, best friend forever, Mark Judge?”

GRASSLEY: “Good enough for me. Case dismissed!”

FLAKE: (under his breath) “Not so fast.”

FEINSTEIN: “The service here is terrible.”

© Tony Bender, 2018

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