TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — Reefer Madness

It isn’t often that you can vote against the Apocalypse. This November voters will be on the front lines to defend the state against the Armageddon that has befallen eight states and the District of Columbia — legalized recreational marijuana.

I’ve witnessed the carnage with my own two bloodshot eyes in Colorado. Everyone is running around like Cheech and Chong and Spicoli from “Fast Times at Longmont High.” They’ve changed the state motto to, “Don’t Harsh My Mellow, Dude.” Even the mountains have gotten higher. You can’t imagine what’s going on in Aspen. It’s a slippery slope.

You know what happened after medical marijuana passed in North Dakota, don’t you!!?? Well, nothing, actually, despite the fact that two years later, officials are working feverishly 24/7 to implement the will of the misguided 64 percent of the people who voted for it even though there are perfectly legal opiates available that are so safe you should be able to find them in the vitamin aisle.

If North Dakota gets recreational marijuana, “Katie, bar the door.” That’s what 76-year-old Robert Wefald, said. He also said that if Measure 3 passes, he would be “lower than a hog’s jaw on market day.” Well, doggies.

The fear is palpable. Cass County Sheriff Paul Laney warned that if Measure 3 passes it would severely hamper his agency’s ability to arrest Willie Nelson. And then what are they gonna do? Twiddle their trigger fingers and eat donuts? Think of the consequences, people. Laney is so worried, he can’t sleep at night. Because he has no marijuana. But if he did, it would be better for the donut industry.

There is a groundswell of opposition to this reefer madness. The North Dakota Peace Officers Association voted unanimously by voice vote against this measure. This is meaningful. I once infiltrated a meeting of conservatives during which the speaker shouted, “Who here doesn’t love America!?” but I stayed quiet even though I am a liberal.

The Measure To Destroy North Dakota would also require the state to expunge the records of more than 179,000 hardened pot smokers at an estimated cost of $1.1 million dollars. That’s more than $6 dollars per expungement! Do you know how many new road graders that would buy? Two.

Next, they’ll want to expunge the records of jaywalkers, and then who will we ostracize? To quote Bob Wefald, that makes me “madder than a mud wasp in a dry gourd”. Instead of going easy on these arch-criminals, we ought to stitch a scarlet S (for stoner) to their hoodies. Heavens to Betsy.

The state recently cut the Breathe ND-anti-tobacco campaign, citing budget measures, but now says it will now be forced to spend $3.7 million to defend North Dakotans against pot smoke. A ridiculous expenditure! I ask you, what’s going to be left for Harold Hamm?

Why would the state want to be involved in administrating marijuana in the first place? Shouldn’t we leave that to the experts in the drug cartels? And what if we stop jailing people for marijuana offenses? We’ll have to lay off a bunch of prison guards. Then what are they going to do? Get into soybeans?

The Measure to End the World as We Know It would allow (possibly even force) citizens to grow their own marijuana. Holy moly! Who in North Dakota has the expertise to do this sort of thing? People will die.

Gosh dern, vote no Nov. 6. Do this for Grandpa Bob. If this gets shot down, he’ll be “happy as a gopher in soft dirt.”

One thought on “TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — Reefer Madness”

  • lillian bachmeier September 23, 2018 at 8:36 am

    Great article, I’m 85 and agree totally with your article, let’s clean out those privatized prisons.


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