I’ve been thinking about the poor sap who will have to document recent events in future history textbooks — assuming, of course, that U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos doesn’t strike history from the curriculum or make Speaking in Tongues the official language by then.
The chapter may start something like this: “In 2016, Vladimir Putin managed to slip acid into the drinking water of 30 of 51 states. This was shortly after the discovery of the Deep State, which voted unanimously against freedom, apple pie, country music, the flag and Jesus, and for Hillary, socialism, free love, free health care and mandatory abortions.”
There’s so much strange stuff going on, the daily briefing reads like “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Let’s see if you’ve been following along. Here’s a current events pop quiz.
1. What Sen. Cory Booker said during the Brett Kavanaugh Supreme Court hearing:
A. “I am Spartacus.”
B. “I am the Walrus.”
C. “I am the peacock.”
D. “I am the clueless.”
2. Nickname for the anonymous editorial writer:
A. Deep Throat.
B. Sore Throat.
C. Deep Sheet.
D. Deepak Chopra.
3. Why did President Trump visit North Dakota and South Dakota on Friday?
A. Trying to denuclearize the peninsula.
B. What the hell did he have to lose?
C. To figure out which one has Mount Rushmore.
D. It’ll cost you $1,000 to find out.
4. Why was a young man in a plaid shirt removed from the crowd behind the president at a recent speech in Montana?
A. We’re now deporting the Scottish.
B. Dehydrated and needed more Kool-Aid
D. Kept chanting, “Lock him up!”
5. The main reason patriotic Americans are burning their shoes.
A. Finally out from under oppressive EPA regulations.
B. Standing up for the rights of low-paid “Chinamen.”
C. Trying to stay warm at a Toby Keith concert.
D. Kills athletes foot.
6. I’m proud to be an American because:
A. I do what I’m told.
B. At least we aren’t forced to endure socialist universal health care.
C. We’re keeping the Muslins out.
7. New rule for funerals:
A. Don’t grab the soloist’s side boob.
B. Don’t invite boobs.
C. Limit corpse costume changes to three.
D. Stop kneeling.
8. The best reason to vote against recreational marijuana in North Dakota:
A. It will be anarchy.
B. Drug sniffing dogs and cats living together!
C. Marijuana is a gateway drug to recreation.
D. Oreo overdoses.
9. The best reason to vote for recreational marijuana in North Dakota:
A. It will hasten The Rapture.
B. You own stock in Nabisco.
C. It hasn’t affected Elon Musk one bit.
D. I forget what the other one is.
10. An actual presidential tweet:
A. I have better poll numbers than Lincoln.
B. I have better poll numbers than Nixon.
C. Get me some pole dancers.
D. Hillary killed Burt Reynolds.
Bonus: Fox News personalities Tucker Carlsen and Laura Ingram recently spoke out against diversity in American because:
A. Once you mix peas with carrots it’s a slippery slope.
B. Foreigners are always culturally appropriating Americans.
C. A lot of them are witch hunters.
D. If we wanted more brown skin, we’d tan.
Answers: 1. c; 2. c; 3. a; 4. a; 5. b; 6. b; 7. d; 8. b; 9. a; 10. d; Bonus c.
Grading: 9-11 correct: Brilliant! You’re like a lodestar or something. 6-8 correct: Did you cheat and are you willing to take a polygraph test? 3-5 correct: Don’t worry, you did better than Cory Booker. 0-2 correct: The Nike fumes may have affected you.