TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — A Tale Of Two Queens

I don’t want to be an alarmist, but there will be rioting in the streets, the stock market will crash, and we will all be very poor if they decide to impeach Cara Mund.

The current Miss America and former Miss North Dakota is embroiled in a catfight with ex-Fox News Queen Gretchen Carlson. Catfight? Isn’t that term sexist or misogynistic or something? Far be it from me to impugn an organization in which women are empowered by being put on display like 4-H livestock at the county fair.

Anyway, in case you missed it, Mund has accused Carlson of bullying and hogging the spotlight. We shouldn’t dismiss Carlson’s credentials, however. She was a Miss ‘Murca decades ago. She won the talent competition with a vigorous display of butter churning that had the menfolk snapping their suspenders.

The Miss America Pageant is not related to the Miss Universe Pageant, formerly owned by President Trump. But like Mund, Trump is also the subject of impeachment, unfair and premature as it may seem. But I’m willing to compromise. Let’s start by impeaching his hair. Clearly a crime has been committed here.

However, under no circumstances should the offending stylist be granted immunity. At the rate Bob Mueller is granting immunity, and with Donald Trump planning to pardon everyone else, there will be no one left to go to jail. The corporate prison system will collapse unless the diocese flips on their priests.

I wonder if Pence wakes up humming “Hail to the Chief” these days as he unlocks his chastity belt to do his morning business. He would be a godsend for evangelicals. None of the sex scandals and the tortured justifications — the Lord works in mysterious ways — but all of the corporate tax cuts and continued dismantling of the social safety net for the meek, who need to be kept in their place, which for heaven’s sake, is not in this neighborhood!

As appealing as a Mike Pence national constipation movement (which may be contradictory) seems, it’s too soon to coronate him. Things are far different than the last time we impeached someone. We’ve loosened up. Bill Clinton was impeached for lying about his affair. Donald Trump brags about them. And his explanation that he knew about the payoffs to his mistresses — but only after he paid them, seems plausible if you’ve had enough to drink.

When the president’s lawyer and campaign manager were each convicted, I tuned in Fox News because I like watching people wet themselves. According to Fox, the crisis in America has nothing to do with presidential links to criminals. The real problem is immigrants are going to kill us all. Fair enough, but they should pick our tomatoes first. Also, Fox News is suddenly worried about the opioid crisis. What? Did Rush Limbaugh relapse?

Compared to Fox’s “Relax, it’s just a flesh wound,” posturing, on MSNBC, Lawrence O’ Donnell was in hysterics, asserting that Trump’s alleged violation of campaign finance law was the crime of the century, and I’m thinking, “Yeah, Lawrence, but what about immigration, Gretchen Carlson’s coup, and why don’t people churn butter anymore?” But maybe O’ Donnell is right. Maybe Trump really did kidnap the Lindberg baby.

Could we get some perspective on the real crises facing America? Like the way liberals are trying to stamp out the emphysema industry with their War on Coal? Will truth ever be truth again? I can’t wait for the day when we can say, “Our long national witch hunt is over.”

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