Attorneys across America are reporting a brisk uptick in business as clients rush to request the absence of Donald J. Trump at their funerals. Most are insisting that all caps be used in the codicil.
The trend is the same at LegalZoom\ and other do-it-yourself websites for wills and other documents. John Suh, CEO of LegalZoom said, “Our Last Will & Testament online app is really heating up the servers. You could cook a sea bass.”
Suh continued, “Even those with no assets to list just want to make sure that Trump doesn’t show up at any post-death events, including cremations, flashing his mindless thumbs up. Those aren’t my words. People really wonder if something is wrong with Trump’s thumbs.”
“Some are adding Donald’s kids, especially Don Jr. and other co-conspirators, to be on the safe side. It appears that Melania would be a welcome guest and could use some good Lutheran cooking,” as one LegalZoom customer noted.
Farmers already in harvest mode had documents sent by drone out to their combines. Mainly because the gadgets are entertaining but also for the speed. A fair number, who asked for anonymity, admitted they were just tooling around an empty field for the fun of it, waiting for crops to ripen.
Roy Anderson, who grows a variety of crops outside of Portland, N.D., added “tariff this, you dick!” to his final instructions. “I was thinking of carving those words into a cornfield,” said Anderson. “But those stunts are stupid.”
“If McCain (deceased Sen. John) can do it, so can I,” declared Charles, who pours drinks in Mayville, N.D., as one of his jobs. “Can’t I?” he asked an old man at the bar, who nodded.
“I’m only 29, but should I pass, I don’t need the president hitting on my wife in the church, or any of the other women. I wasn’t sure how to keep a person out of a place of worship, but my petite wife said not to worry. She used to bounce at nightclubs in Chicago. If she is the one who kills me, that would complicate things, so please don’t mention that option to her.”
Another large group making the “Trump pre-emption” included a large share of the Vets at the American Legion in Mayville. One said, “That jackass can stick a flagpole up his expletive deleted, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Half-staff, full staff — I don’t care. I’m going to have a chat with LBJ personally in hell. That’s all I care to say.” He went on, “Who acts like that? I hope it really aggravates the fuzzy slug, when he’s turned away at the door. That’s all I care to say. What an asshole. Who puts kids in cages, for crissakes?”
“The Viet Cong put me in a cage, and it was exceedingly unpleasant. If the VC wanted me to have sweaty nightmares for a lifetime, it worked. That’s all I care to say.”
Of course, some people now knowing they could exclude mourners were adding personal acquaintances under Trump’s name. Edna, who was also at the Legion Club, stood and yelled, “She knows what she did!”
Phyllis, Edna’s table mate, claimed to know a woman in town who has a list of exclusions that is 18 feet long. “Where she got an 18-foot-long piece of paper, I have no idea. And I suppose you can only go so low with the font size before you’re just screwing with people. It has to be a record.”
This is a developing story.