Hello class, it’s that time of year. The wheat harvest is on, the leaves will be turning soon, and NFL players are beginning to kneel. It’s time for the Tony Bender Back to School Super Brain Quiz.
1. Why won’t Kevin Cramer agree to more debates?
A. Stall Ball always works out so well.
B. How many ways can you say, “I’ll do everything the president tells me”?
C. You just can’t trust Heidi Heitkamp.
D. Busy compiling extensive list of accomplishments but can’t find a Post-It-Note.
2. It wasn’t collusion because:
A. It was obstruction.
B. “Even if it was collusion, and it wasn’t, collusion is protected under some amendment to the Constitution, and if it isn’t, it ought to be because people do it all the time and this is still America — or Russia —something, something … Freedom!”
C. We wanted to Make Adoption Great Again.
D. You’d have to know what you are doing to collude.
3. Something not subject to import duties under current trade policy:
C. Moscow Mules.
D. White people.
4. According to a poll, 43 percent of Republicans think the president should be able to:
A. Censor the news
B. Walk on water and chew gum at the same time.
D. Lock her up.
5. There is considerable opposition from some lawmakers to an anti-corruption measure on the North Dakota ballot because:
A. “This country was founded on corruption!”
B. “We’re already overwhelmed trying to implement medical marijuana.”
C. Ethics are an impediment to efficient governance.
D. Accountability is a well-known gateway to socialism.
6. Why do we need a Space Force?
A. Moot point. The important thing is Mars will pay for it.
B. We gotta fight ’em up there so we don’t have to fight ’em down here.
C. To defend us against Klingons, Cooties and Dingleberries.
D. I don’t know, but look — squirrel!
7. Why is there a measure to prevent noncitizens from voting in North Dakota, despite the fact that it is already illegal?
A. To make it super-duper extra illegal.
B. You can’t have too much redundancy.
C. You can’t have too much redundancy.
D. To rally the paranoid racist vote.
8. Something you can find in former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort’s closet.
A. Suitcases filled with small unmarked bills.
B. Ostrich carcasses.
C. Implausible explanations.
D. Hillary’s e-mails.
9. What the NRA doesn’t want to talk about:
A. The recent name change to National Russian Association.
B. The little-known fact that Charlton Heston died of an accidental gunshot wound.
C. Their deep-seated dealings of inadequacy.
10. How to bring the Chinese to their knees:
A. Pay them $130,000.
B. Bring American farmers to their knees.
C. Demand China produce even more MAGA caps.
D. Talk tough.
BONUS: A question Rudy Giuliani doesn’t want Bob Mueller to ask the president:
A. Seriously, what was your real score on the back nine?
B. Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help your god?
C. Do Moscow girls make you sing and shout?
D. At long last sir, have you no sense of decency?
Answers: 1. d; 2. b 3. a; 4. c; 5. b; 6. b; 7. d; 8. a; 9. c; 10. a; Bonus: d. And let’s see how you scored: 11-9 correct: Brilliant, but without an I.D., we’re going to have to deport you. 6-8 correct: Well done, Koko, but I thought you were dead. Here’s a banana. 3-5 correct: Dude, Where’s Your Car? 0-2 correct: It’s okay, lots of people get their news from memes.
© Tony Bender, 2018