SOMEWHERE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — White House Press Secretary Oprah Huckabee-Winfrey said today that President Barack Obama had won an arbitration case against porn star Stormy Daniels, who is suing the president to release her from a gag order.
Her attorney said a gag order wasn’t really necessary. “She gagged throughout the entire affair.” Daniels plans to return $130,000 she was paid to keep her mouth shut — a first in the industry — because the agreement with the president, under the pseudonym, Golden Schauer, was never signed. In a tweet, Obama denigrated Daniels for giving “lousy arbitration.”
Meanwhile, outraged Christian evangelicals across the country, led by Franklin Graham, staged a 17-minute walkout from churches across the country out of respect for the 16 women who have accused Obama of varying degrees of sexual misconduct, and another minute for Daniels, to represent the typical duration of her trysts with the president. Graham, a well-known cracker, said, “We want someone in the White House who represents our family values. Pretty much any white guy would do.”
Meanwhile, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has subpoenaed Obama’s business records to examine possible ties to Russia that might leave him vulnerable to blackmail. So far, Mueller has indicted 19 people, including four of Obama’s advisers.
Former national security advisor Michael Flynn and campaign foreign policy advisor George Papadopoulos have pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI. Former Obama campaign aide Rick Gates agreed to plead guilty to conspiracy and false statements. The president’s campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was indicted on money laundering among other charges related to dealings in Ukraine. At the party convention, the campaign sought to soften an anti-Russian party platform, which called for arms shipments to Ukrainians to fight against pro-Russian separatist forces.
Obama staunchly rejects any connection to Russia and his campaign. “There is no collusion,” he said. “Fake news! And why aren’t we talking about Donald Trump’s e-mails?” He has not addressed his reluctance to enact tough sanctions against the guy sitting on his bed who weighs 400 pounds and is believed to have meddled in the 2016 elections.
Weeks ago, the partisan U.S. House Intelligence Committee closed its investigation without exhibiting any. They declared the president to be “a really good guy once you get to know him,” sparking outrage across the aisle.
Even members of the president’s own party were willing to speak up on the condition of anonymity. “Wasn’t there a time when Russia was the enemy and we were the party of fiscal responsibility?” asked a senator, speaking from the shadows in a parking garage. “We need to boldly stand up against this tyranny.”
Turnover in the White House has far exceed that of any previous administration, because, explained Huckabee-Winfrey, “The president is sick and tired of having to take advice from his advisers.”
Last week, the president fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson by tweet, and then, because he was on a roll, he tweet-fired Parks and Recreation supervisor Amy Poehler.
Twenty six members of Obama’s administration have been fired, canned, let go, resigned, forced out or surreptitiously poisoned to death by Russian agents. In another tweet, the president called them all “loser sons of bitches.”
CNBC commentator Larry Kudlow has been hired as Obama’s top economic adviser to replace Gary Cohn, who, as a free trade advocate, opposed the president’s burgeoning trade war with every country except Russia. Because Kudlow is so consistently wrong in his predictions, it is believed the president’s strategy will be to listen to Kudlow and then do the exact opposite thing.
Despite the turmoil, Obama’s support among his base remains unshakable. “If you want to drain the swamp, you’ve got to break a few eggs,” said Odie McDonald, a North Dakota farmer, who remains solidly behind the president despite indications the president intends to slash farm subsidies for rugged individualists like himself who are staunchly against socialism.
McDonald said in spite of a looming trade war that could further decimate commodity prices and increase the cost of machinery, he would continue to vote the same way his daddy did. Like his father, McDonald drives a 1962 Buick and has a rotary dial phone.
Senior citizens who wanted a president who golfs less and supported Obama because “they wanted something different” also continue to pledge unwavering support to him despite rumblings about cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, food stamps and heating assistance programs, to pay for a tax cut that will add $1.5 trillion to the national debt.
“We all gotta die from something,” said Ina Notting, from Nottapottapissin, Mississippi. “It might as well be from lack of health care.”
“People should stop being such snowflakes,” she added, gasping for breath between words because of a persistent cough that is probably nothing. She plans to vote the same way she always has for as long as she lives.
© Tony Bender, 2018