TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — Another Current Events Quiz

Because America leads the world in news, it is incumbent upon us to periodically review current events so that when an undocumented immigrant stops you on the street and asks, what the hell is going on, you’ll know.

This may also come in handy on your ACT, SAT or POS test.

1. According to former North Dakota GOP chairman and current Republican U.S. Senate candidate Gary Emineth, Barack Obama is a POS, which, as he explained, means:
A. Point of Sales.
B. Power of Satan.
C. Pinnacle of Success.
D. Pisces or Sagittarius.

2. Things you can get for $37,000 in North Dakota:
A. Eventually, an ounce of medical marijuana.
B. Forgiveness.
C. One-third of the Industrial Commission.
D. An ethics commission.

3. What the hell is going on with Wall Street?
A. The president is in bigly charge of your 401k.
B. Thanks, Obama.
C. Hillary’s emails.
D. Don’t worry, the billionaires will land on their feet.

4. Things in the Democrats’ Even More Secreter Memo than the Republicans’ Top Secret Memo that cannot be revealed:
A. Batman’s secret identity.
B. Valerie Plame’s secret identity.
C. The president’s secret tax returns.
D. KFC’s 11 secret herbs and spices.

5. Former President Bush said it is obvious that Russia:
A. Meddled in the election.
B. Is not to be trusted just because it starts with an “R.”
C. Makes good salad dressing.
D. Is laughing her ass off.

6. According to FactCheck.org, Heidi Heitkamp wasn’t high-fiving Chuck Schumer after a Senate vote on reproductive rights, she was:
A. Giving him the secret Illuminati handshake.
B. Trying to bring America down with her out-of-touch liberal policies.
C. Casting out demons.
D. Hailing a cab.

7. Reasons a parade in Washington, D.C., is such a great idea:
A. Convenient access to lots of military hardware, just like at Pearl Harbor.
B. Beats Viagra.
C. Trying to bait Nancy Pelosi into standing in front of a tank.
D. We could march them there illegal immigrants right out of here.

8. Things you can eat in Philadelphia:
A. Cheesesteak.
B. Tide Pods.
C. Horse apples.
D. Tom Brady’s lunch.

9. Reasons not to get a flu shot:
A. Last time I got one, my third cousin twice removed got sick.
B. Advised against it by an accredited Playboy bunny.
C. According to Gloria Copeland, you’ve been inoculated by Jesus for everything. Except HIV.
D. Natural selection.

10. What the groundhog saw:
A. The shadow government.
B. A shadow of a doubt.
C. Russian cinematography.
D. Elvis.

BONUS: Things better organized than the Democrats:
A. Demolition derbies.
C. Recess.
D. Sheep.

OK That was a toughie. Shocked? Some of you look like you spent the night celebrating a Super Bowl win, or rioting on Wall Street. Let’s check your answers. 1. C; 2. D; 3. B; 4. A; 5. B; 6. B; 7. C; 8. D; 9. C; 10. C; Bonus: A.

Now for grading. 11-9 correct: How did you get your hands the Democrats’ memo? 6-8 correct: Very stable geniusing. 3-5 correct: I see you did this in crayon. 0-2 correct: Fret not, if you can cover tuition, you’ll still be able to get into Trump University.

© Tony Bender, 2018

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