TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — Kevin Cramer: Arbiter Of Truth

As a member of the Drive-By, Fake News, Pinko, Socialist, Leftist, Apologist, UnAmerican, Blame-America-First, Liberal Media, I have been checking my mailbox for the interrogation letter U.S. Rep. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., sent out the other day to suspected enemies of the state — you know, ABC, CBS and NBC. He is concerned about the liberal slant of facts.

Kevin, he’s a stickler for truth, justice and the American Way. He can leap tall tales in a single bound. It’s nice to see the congressman managed to fit some censorship in between the arduous task of defending Sean Spicer and Hitler. As I understand it, on Cramer’s Scale of Evil, Hitler is No. 3 and Assad No. 2, with The Media being The Evilest at No. 1. Cue “We Are the Champions.”

Don’t get me wrong, Cramer is all about freedom of information — as long as it means freedom to peruse your personal Internet search history. Technically, it may not have been free. He’s received $71,750 from the communications industry. Sen. John Hoeven received $28,500, but he has not come out in support of Hitler, which makes it a better-than-average day for North Dakotans.

Cramer, like most Republicans these days, is anti-regulation. But while he wants to dispense with FCC privacy rules, he thinks they ought to keep a close eye on journalists saying anti-Republican stuff — which is the same as saying anti-American stuff.

It’s sad when the Russians are more supportive of President Trump than the liberal media. Clearly, the right thing to do is investigate the real Commies — journalists. Grab ’em right by the AP Stylebook. Roll over Edward R. Murrow and tell Tchaikovsky the news.

I’m feeling left out. Am I not liberal enough to get a letter? Where the heck is my Che Guevara T-shirt? Do I have to start driving a Prius?

Tragically, the only thing in my mailbox today was a letter from Blue Cross denying a claim, along with a premium increase. Also, a special offer from an optometrist. I find the fine print to be psychological warfare. Like when Beltone calls and whispers into the phone.

There are reports even Fox News got a letter from Cramer. But who knows for sure? The only sources I trust are Facebook, Twitter, and Strawberry Meidinger.

Fox getting a complaint about liberal bias is a little like putting a cop in the lineup, as witnesses try to identify the chainsaw killer. It’s about, umm, the appearance of fairness, which of course, nobody really wants — which is why the cop is in uniform.

Meanwhile, the chainsaw killers at Fox are far too busy these days fending off lawsuits and chasing female members of their “All Aryan, All the Time” staff to craft any meaningful reply to any letter other than, “Delivery of this $14 million check does not imply guilt or indicate wrongdoing on the part of any employee of Fox News.” We pay. You decide. To keep quiet. And by the way, nice butt.

If you visit Fox News on any given day, it will look like an adaptation of “Dead Poets Society.” But I’ll warn you that while you’re on top of the desk — swatting at gropers clawing at your ankles — saying, “Captain, my captain,” it only encourages Bill O’Reilly. You’d have to go to an airport to get felt up like that. At least there, they drag you off the plane and not into a broom closet.

You family-values conservatives in shock over this must have missed the memo on O’Reilly’s last sexual harassment case involving dirty talk about a loofa sponge. Nice going, Sponge Bill No Pants. All I’ll say is if O’Reilly and Roger Ailes ever get the hots for one another, everyone is going to forget about Barry Manilow.

Where were we? I struggle with focus and retention. Something to do with the ’70s. Or the ’80s. One of those. Possibly both. All I’ll say is I supported Measure No. 5. Or NBo. 6. Whatever it was. Look, a squirrel!

I remember … I was praising Kevin Cramer. I fully support his effort to rein in journalists and their pesky facts.

I would like to add, “I’m proud to be an American, where (at least) I know I’m free.” America is so bigly great again.

© Tony Bender, 2017

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