TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — We Are So Screwed

By the time you read this, the world will probably have ended. Not that I’m against that. I am convinced that 65 million years ago, faced with an election between a T-Rex and a Velociraptor, all the other dinosaurs prayed for that sweet meteor of death to strike the planet.

But since I will send this column out to newspapers Monday (today), I do so knowing full well that I’m probably not going to get paid for it. The world will have ended Tuesday, so I am going to get stiffed. But I have to write this damn thing anyway, just in case we’re still all still here. Contractual obligations.

On the bright side, when this all goes up in smoke, I will have maxed out my credit cards. Sure, that could mean bankruptcy if our meteor prayers are not answered, but if Trump is president, I will invoke his business strategies as justification. No court in the land will convict me. If, indeed, we still have a judiciary. We’ve already lost the FBI. Not lost really, they still have campaign headquarters in every state.

And if President Trump has garbled the nuclear codes, granting us a reprieve until the meteor (Please, Allah!) arrives, I would like to say in all sincerity, I think Vladimir Putin is going to be a fine vice president. And Donald, you know I was just kidding about the things I said. As a matter of fact, I am going to categorically deny having said them, even if Howard Stern has the tapes to prove it.

Even if Hillary has successfully rigged the election by convincing Hispanic racists, drug dealers and job stealers to vote for her in swing states, we’re still all gonna die, only by acute taco poisoning.

And you know darn well, if she was elected, it will be revealed that this was just a publicity ploy by Trump to launch a new reality show starring Bill Clinton and him in some kind of celebrity grope-off. Melania will replace Vanna White on “Wheel of Fortune.” Even if she has trouble with the alphabet, I’ll still tune in just to watch her walk.

There is a third scenario, and that is that America-Hating Barack Obama completes his mission by successfully destroying the country before Putin is inaugurated in the wake of Trump’s tragic bathroom accident.
Who drowns in a toilet, except maybe Jeff Bridges in an alternate script of the “Big Lebowski?” Even Elvis had the good sense to fall off of the stool instead of into it. This is where being ostentatious works against you.

Donald Trump didn’t need a huuuuuge toilet, even though he was really full of it. When you drown in a toilet that big, it startles the koi. And recovery efforts take forever. So many boats. So many divers. So much sadness. I think Eric and Donald Jr. almost cried when they heard about it amidst their annual elephant slaughter.

It’s clear that the Tyrant Obama has shaken the country to the core with a horrific unemployment rate of 4.9 percent. At least Romney promised to keep it about five points higher because he realized the little people need time off to fix their own car elevators. Not everyone has an on staff mechanic.

Some people call this much employment a success. I call it indentured servitude. Obama exits with an anemic 57 percent approval rating, unless he makes good on the National Rifle Association’s promise that he is going to confiscate our guns, and according to the guys around here, our pheasants, too. Then, he might end up at an even more gratifying 53 percent like Ronald Reagan, after he got done screwing the country.

The problem with America is, it just doesn’t stay screwed. When President Cheney and Captain Oblivious were done, by god, we thought we were good and screwed. Cheney even talked dirty to us. We all had a cigarette afterward.

Now that Obama is just about done screwing us, North Dakota, in anticipation of all the cigarette smoking about to commence, wants to tax raise the tobacco tax. I think it’s genius. Plus, it will offset the the screwing the Legislature gave us with a 23 percent tax cut for Big Oil, which, frankly, is quite capable of screwing us without any assistance. Have some decency. One at a time, please.

But despite heroic Republican efforts to help Obama keep us screwed, America, of it’s own perverted free will, decided to recover, frankly, ruining everything for politicians everywhere.

Thank God, Obama at least managed to destroy marriage with LGBT rights before he was done. Now, everyone is screwing everyone, some of them in the wrong bathrooms.

None of this matters because it will soon be over. Go ahead, park in a loading zone. Tear up the ticket. Speed. Spend frivolously. Buy a newspaper subscription with your Discover card. You won’t have to pay for it, and we won’t have to deliver it.

Even if by some miracle we get a temporary stay of execution, rest easy in the knowledge that this time, I think we are going to stay screwed. Anyone got a light?

© Tony Bender, 2016

One thought on “TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — We Are So Screwed”

  • Brian Volk November 8, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    I wish I had a Discover card, now.


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