I’m on an early deadline. Happy New Year, folks! Out with the old and in with the new! And that has nothing to do with cleaning my refrigerator.
True story: A couple of years ago, my daughter discovered some Italian dressing with an expiration date that coincided with Obama’s inauguration. Really. Since it was basically oil and vinegar, I insisted that it was probably just fine. (I’d serve it with Romaine.)
But my kids made a federal case out of it. Really? I mean, aged cheese is a thing. You actually pay extra for moldy cheese, and then you serve it with old wine. Still, despite having a veritable collector’s item on their hands, they made me throw the dressing out, like I’m some kind of monster. I maintain that it had only increased in value. It wasn’t “old” dressing, it was “vintage.”
What does this have to do with my New Year’s Quiz? Nothing really, I just feel it’s important to share some of my life philosophies from time to time. Plus, it’s an opportunity to hassle my kids in a venue in which they can’t sass back. Anyway, let’s get to it.
1. Why do some people make such a big deal out of expired salad dressing?
a. Kids today are so spoiled. Why in my day, I had to walk 10 miles to the refrigerator uphill both ways in a blizzard to get old salad dressing, and do you know what? I was dang glad to have anything to eat at all because there were starving people in China.
b. I’m not sure but it probably has something to do with socialism.
c. They’re snowflakes.
d. I blame Obama.
2. They keep locking up Trump associates because:
a. Who knew it was illegal to lie to the FBI?
b. Ignorance is 9/10ths of the law.
c. They fought the law and the law won.
d. This is a total witch hunt if I ever saw one.
3. According to a recent poll of Democratic presidential candidates the favorites are:
a. Beto O’ Rourke 15.6 percent.
b. Joe Biden 14.9 percent.
c. Bernie Sanders 13.1 percent.
d. Elizabeth Warren .001 percent.*
4. Kevin Hart will not host the Oscars because:
a. of homophobic tweets.
b. of homoerotic tweets.
c. of homeopathic tweets.
d. he failed to pass minimum height requirement.
5. He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake because:
a. You need good intel to win the War on Christmas.
b. You’re using an unsecured smartphone, you big dope.
c. He’s freaking Chuck Norris, that’s why!
d. You snore so dang loud.
6. In a recent editorial, Gov. Doug Burgum’s budget was called:
a. prudent but visionary.
b. cautious but courageous.
c. sweet and sour.
d. paved with good intentions.
7. According to news reports, the Yellow Vest Movement is:
a. more of a lime green
b. actually just a bunch of DOT workers standing around watching one guy work.
c. prudent but visionary.
d. funded by George Soros.
8. Why do people ice fish?
a. To see if their pickup will float.
b. Change of pace from watching paint dry.
c. In the federal witness protection program.
d. They’d rather sit on a sheet of ice staring at a hole than be home with their spouse.
9. Sarah Huckabee Sanders recently said she wanted to be remembered for being:
a. transparent and honest.
b. soulful but soulless.
c. cruel to be kind.
d. able to keep a straight face.
10. If Congress refuses to fund a wall Trump will:
a. huff and puff and blow the House down.
b. shut down the government.
c. shut down the Trump Foundation.
d. stiff his contractors.
Bonus: How’s your 401k doing?
a. Not OK.
b. Better than the Packers.
c. It’s now a 104k.
d. My Xanax stock is through the roof.
Answers: 1.a; 2. b; 3. d; 4. d; 5. b; 6. c; 7. b; 8. b; 9. d; 10. c; Bonus d.
Grading: 9-11 correct: You’re smart enough to refuse the Chief of Staff position. 6-8 correct: Competence is so refreshing these days. 3-5 correct: What? Did they shut down Trump University, too? 0-2 correct: The speed limit is higher than your IQ. You should drive faster.
© Tony Bender, 2018
*Punchline courtesy of my friend David Rosenblum