I was just wrapping my head around this Tide pod trend when I learned that condom snorting might be a thing. Now, I’ll have to sit down and have a talk with India about this.
When we discussed the dangers of Tide pods, she assured me she had no intention of eating our laundry detergent because, and I quote, “You don’t even buy the good tasting ones.”
Although I vowed not to become one of those parents complaining about “kids today” who talks about how I had to run uphill both ways in a blizzard when I went streaking, which was what we did for kicks, I can’t help myself.
It’s not like teens are reading this, anyway. Unless we can figure out a way to get it on Snapchat. However, just in case, let me explain that streaking had nothing to do with hair coloring.
We were also big on mooning. Which had nothing to do with astronomy. All I know is, Bernie Witte had to explain to his parents on the way to church one Sunday why there were butt prints on the windows of their 1972 Impala.
Where will it all lead? With all the frothing at the mouth that comes from eating Tide pods, those kids may grow up to be Fox News analysts, Philadelphia Eagles fans or Old Yeller. As for condom snorters, I don’t know.
You know what we did with condoms when I was a teenager? We kept them in our billfolds until they wore rings into the leather like we were carrying miniature cans of Copenhagen. No one actually ever used one because sex hadn’t been invented, yet.
I guarantee you our forefathers didn’t snort condoms. (Not on my side of the family, anyway.) They did cool stuff like dissemble Volkswagens and reassemble them on the roof of the school over the weekend. Or sneak a 4-H milk cow up the stairs and leave her in study hall overnight, which was equally cool, and hey, no assembly required!
A public service announcement is in order. First of all, don’t do it. It’s completely unnecessary. Even during the height of the sexual revolution, not one nostril ever got pregnant.
Second, it could result in death, which is often fatal. Or worse, you’ll have to face your parents in the E.R. as the doctor extracts a Trojan from your nostril. The five buck bet you won is not going to cover the deductible. Another failing of Obamacare.
But if you choose to snort one anyway, go with the lubricated ones. Don’t use the studded ones or the French ticklers, unless you’re really stuffed up.
Buy a name brand. Avoid those 75-cent glow-in-the-dark condoms at truck stop bathrooms. If you need it to glow in the dark in order to find it, you’ve got enough problems. I can’t imagine how bigly small your hands must be. It will look like there’s a firefly in the room.
Then again, it is possible that there really is no such thing as glow-in-the dark condoms. Think about it. It’s the perfect scam. You insert 75 cent, but nothing comes out. Are you really going to complain to the clerk at Kum & Go that the glow-in-the-dark condom vending machine stole your money? I should think not.
Although Poison Control has reported only one case of intentional condom inhalation in five years, that’s no reason not to panic. We can’t assume this thing has petered out.
The important thing to remember is that today’s teenagers are a real problem. In conclusion, hey, you kids get off my lawn! (Shakes fist.)
© Tony Bender, 2018