TERRY DULLUM: The Dullum File — Keeping My (Social) Distance

We’re being told lately that because of the outbreak of the coronavirus, if we want to stay healthy, we should practice something called social distancing. That probably means different things to different people. But generally, it’s suggested we hunker down at home as much as possible, avoiding large groups of people and basically sucking it up!

Others directly exposed to the virus are practicing “self-quarantining” at home. Among those are administration star Ivanka Trump and Mar-A-Lago regulars Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham.

For them, and for the rest of us, it all means a lot of time at home, reading, watching television, playing games and cleaning closets, although I can’t really picture Ivanka Trump cleaning closets.

Myself, I’ve been spending my time trying to cook more, avoiding CNN and cleaning the cat box.

It seems to me we could make it much more fun if only we could choose people we want to spend time with, home alone.

Actually, Ginny has been more or less self-quarantined with me for years. Decades, even. We’ve been happily married for 31 years. And we think 31 out of 43 isn’t that bad! (It’s an old joke, but I’m not getting any younger myself.)

The other “person” I’ve been socially distancing myself with is Desi. Desi is a cat. He’s my best animal friend and the only domesticated animal who has never looked at me condescendingly, as if to say, “You poor thing.”

Anyway, curious about how others would like to weather the coronavirus storm, I did what I always do. I turned to my Facebook “friends,” asking them, with whom would you like to social distance?

Someone said she’d like to keep her social distance with “My Hunka Hunka Burn’n love.” Don’t ask questions if you don’t want answers. Someone else said he would spend the time with his daughter, watching movies and listening to music. Still another said her coronavirus companion of choice would be her best friend. All very sweet.

But the very first Facebook response I got was a name I would put very near the top of my list as well: actress Sofia Vergara.

This is all just fantasy, remember. Sofia and I could work on my “Spanish” together. Because we’re very much in the Me Too era and because I’m not stupid, I’ll leave it there.

Except for this random thought. Perhaps my favorite line on any late-night talk show ever was delivered years ago by Dick Cavett when he introduced a guest on his show by saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, Jayne Mansfield.” (Young people, Google Dick Cavett and then Google Jane Mansfield.)

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