RON SCHALOW: The NDGOP Cares About Kids And Other Laughs

The party of cutting funds for Special Olympics was so worried that a kid might ingest an edible form of medical marijuana, it ixnayed some of the most useful ways to help people in distress.

Opponents expressed sincere concern that a chocolate chip cookie, baked with love and marijuana, would attract children, and the next thing you know, you’ve got a yard full of tykes ruining the grass and teasing the cat with a dead mouse.

And you don’t have kids.

Whoops, wait, the cruel humanoid has changed his mind about the Special Olympics because he doesn’t understand normal human emotions and couldn’t foresee the obvious reactions of the mortals.

But I’m sure the party of Trump, which keeps Kevin Cramer busy explaining why chain link is the finest link a president can use to incarcerate toddlers, can figure a way for an adult to keep medicine from a person of less experience, knowledge and height.

I thought we had the tots outsmarted. Some are pretty crafty, though. Never go into one of those “make-your-own” ice cream places with an experienced child.

We still manage to guard every medication in the cabinets and all of the poison underneath the sink.

In the state of North Dakota, dad can leave a loaded pistol on the coffee table if he chooses. Mom can, too, but it’s most likely dad. There is no state law that I can find that would require the owner of a firearm to secure the weapon in a gun safe and/or use a trigger lock.

But someone in pain may suck on a lozenge or eat a brownie and be overtaken by Hobbits, who would steal the man’s brownie at the point of a Nerf Lightsaber?

There are alternatives to smoking the plant in the new law. Cannabis infused tinctures are allowed, as well as capsules, patches and topicals.

But that’s not my point.

The North Dakota Republican Party could care less about children and failing to include edibles, after dragging their feet for years on the medicinal marijuana vote is inexcusable.

To repeat; the North Dakota Republican Party, I said! Republicans love their children, but Republican representatives in Bismarck haven’t shown that they care more than a small bucket full of fracking juice.

Overall, the Legislature is quite a bit further to the right than the citizenry.

I’m sure the experts explained to the legislators why it might be preferable for a patient with a particular disease like Crohn’s to find relief with something chewed and swallowed, as opposed to ailments that can best be relieved by a sucker.

Somebody must have told the lawmakers that of the thousands of possible edibles, they didn’t have to make the whole works legal. If cannabis-laced Gummie Bears are a fear too far, then strike them from the list.

Maybe the whole topic was too complicated for the legislators, so they ignored the need and blamed it on curious kids with sweets sonar.

But the Legislature doesn’t see any problem with strapping toddlers into the backseat tighter than a Russian astronaut and subjecting them to Aunt Hazel. You’re aware of her. If not, this is Haze’s deal.

Aunt Hazel is the twin’s aunt on their dad’s side and then twice removed. Her mission is to get her nephews back to their folks in Williston after they stayed for a few days with their grandparents on their mother’s side, in Fargo.

Short story. Hazel chokes off a pack of Camel straights during the trip while Mortimer and Julliard get covered in soot. They did have a nice meal at the Tastee Freeze in Velva, though, so with the pit stops, they did have occasion to smell the fresh air.

At least the greenhouse gases being flared directly into the atmosphere by our oil companies might not have reached their lungs.

Then, back home, M and J, probably end up in the crawl space and they probably find something. Then, the two 3-year-olds crack the code of the very heavy lockbox and they dip into daddy’s medicinal lemon bars.

They don’t care about kids.

Let’s go faster on the highways, said GOP legislator Jake Blum. More high-speed accidents can’t be more dangerous to kids than the neighbor lady’s kale smoothie blended with THC.

Or the seat-belt law that didn’t pass. Freedom! That’s what one Republican lawmaker wrote on his Facebook page. So when good old dad accidentally rolls the car when a giant moose appears suddenly in the headlights, dad’s body will be tossed about the interior like a 200-pound sack of bones and possibly strike a child in the back seat. Freedom!

But a kid might find grandma’s cannabis-infused tea.

Uncle Roy is clearly not doing well, but he won’t voluntarily give up his guns. They’re a hazard to Uncle Roy and everyone in his vicinity. So what can be done?

Nothing. A Red Flag law was voted down. Had that bill passed, family and friends could petition the court to temporarily remove Roy’s guns from him until Roy is in a better state.

A Red Flag law would definitely reduce the number of suicides and maybe throw a disruptive wrinkle in front of something worse.

62.1-02-02 is a gem and really pro-child law. Hazel told me.

  • “62.1-02-02. Sale of handgun regulated — Penalty. No person may transfer a handgun to any person who the transferor knows or has reasonable cause to believe is a person prohibited by section 62.1-02-01 from possessing a firearm. Any person who violates this section is guilty of a class A misdemeanor.” — ND Century Code

“For this gun, you must tell me the deepest darkest secrets of your soul. Naturally, I, as a Maytag repairman, a noble profession, will be able to ascertain your level of certitude just before a squabble breaks out at the three-minute mark of the transaction.”

In the most likely scenario, the transferer has a knife to his throat by the “knows or has reasonable cause to believe is a person prohibited by section 62.1-02-01 from possessing a firearm” guy. He wanted to be called Hondo but we worked him down to “guy.”

It became the “do I look like a moron,” law?

“Well hello, Mr. President of the Bandidos. Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you my gun. I didn’t want to be “that guy,” you know, the suspicious type, and I didn’t want to believe it, but I think you guys have been up to some naughty stuff, so I can’t sell you my gun. I can’t just ignore 62.1-02-02. So catch you on the flipside. I hope we can remain friends. Oh, the rides we’ve been on. Say hello to Merced for me, will ya? Say that’s a nice pistola you’re sporting. Merced? I said Merced didn’t I?”

The constitutional concealed carry law sure doesn’t make children safer than a tetrahydrocannabinol infused macaroon.

  • “The state’s constitutional concealed carry law took effect on Aug.1, 2017. It is only applicable within the state’s borders and only for N.D. residents who have a valid driver’s license and are not otherwise prohibited from possessing or carrying a weapon.” — North Dakota attorney general

So anyone other than nobody can get a gun from a private seller, start carrying the peacemaker, and that’s it. I don’t see any rationality in that or this.

Exploding trains. They’re bad. And it’s obvious by observation that the Industrial Commission isn’t interested enough to even feign being interested. It doesn’t have to be this way, the oil companies have known how to separate the explosive gases from crude oil since Roman times.

Maybe the GOP Legislature could take some time on this real children’s health issue and overrule the NDIC, but they won’t.

But it is protecting our little ones from great aunt Maude’s enriched butternut squash soup, so that’s more nothing.

The Republican president wants the Affordable Care Act gone and to cut Medicaid. People love not having health care for their kids.

“Everyone, please turn any microphones to the mumbles setting, except for Cramer. He’ll be busy spinning a whopper of a lie.”

And there’s also a bill in the hopper for lessening the penalty for possessing a gun at a public gathering. It is a Class B misdemeanor, but the firearm fondlers want it to be only an infraction.

I didn’t even know we were still writing up infractions on account of the price for a sheet of paper.

They’re publically encouraging every adult to strap on a pistol and go to a public gathering. Will an untrained first-gun fella be within range of a child at some point every day? Probably. The place is crawling with kids. But the answer isn’t to put MORE amateurs with guns on the streets.

And edibles aren’t exactly a new thing. Dispensaries won’t have trouble finding suppliers. It was stupid to spend years writing a medical marijuana law and not include edibles.

But Sen. Oley Larsen thinks we have to iron out issues with the staff just selling parts of a plant first, before branching out to, “Yes, the MJ AND some trail mix, please,” step. A two-product sale could crash the whole system.

He says “Let’s give this a chance to have some legs.”

“Let’s see how Wal works out, then after a few dozen years, consider adding Mart.” — Nobody

“Let’s see how this school bus works out, then after a few dozen years, consider adding seat belts.” — Me

Leave a Reply