RON SCHALOW: Holier Than Thou, Part One

Our tattered blue laws have been a topic of biblical proportions in Bismarck, at least for the lawmakers with the highest morality index numbers, as determined by them. They number more than you think.

Frankly, I don’t care if 98 percent of businesses were locked up on Sunday, or any other day of the week. Wednesday puts out apathetic vibes, so its a contender. Or multiple days. I don’t care. That’s how selfish I am.

Rep. Jeff Hoverson, R-Minot, on the other hand, really cares.

He thinks ridding ourselves of some government intrusion by axing the blue laws is all about money. What! That’s absurd I’ll tell you.

But on the other hand, perhaps Jeff has ferreted out a clue.

He went on to describe a list of ill effects of drilling for oil for the sake of money on the floor of the Legislature.

There is an oil spot where Carlson used to sit for chrissakes. Some of these people will be embalmed with fracking chemicals one day.

It’s sacrilege for a Republican not to kiss the realistic reproduction of Harold Hamm’s ass every time one gets within visual distance of Mount Hamm and not remain on full throttle mumbles about the pollution stuff when you’re a patriot.

So, oddly, Hoverson barks out the following thoughts without being stoned to death, so far: “It brought drug dealing, crime went up, human trafficking all of a sudden we’re talking about, we never used to talk about human trafficking, it was a low crime state, why? Because we had a moral society because the government was small because it depended on the church.”

Whoa, he lost me with that objectively false second sentence. To me, it feels like an objectively false fourth sentence and it smells like a wet dog. False is the takeaway.

Hoverson was rolling, then he had to go and lie. He may believe it, but it’s still a lie. I was there and nothing, as he describes it, was happening.

I suppose being pastor of the Living Word Lutheran Church compelled him to do some advertising but the government shouldn’t be responsible for anybody’s slipping customer numbers.

We’ve never had a moral society even close to meeting the Hoverson standard: “Church attendance will drop, and there goes your morality.”

What? Where does it go? And speak for yourself, sir. My morality is happy where it is.

I thought that religious “superiority” thing was over years ago. Hoverson might be holding a better hand than me on the moral grounds if we’re going to count every year.

But I’ve done better in my eldered state. I don’t have the energy to be immoral anymore.

That was a long way of saying that morality isn’t exclusively dealt out of a church. Costco probably has big cans of it.

And the self-proclaimed moral man supports the least moral human in America as president of our country.

I was a Lutheran at birth and for a reasonable time after, for what that’s worth. I’m confident that I got the gist of it.

If I signed something and it was supposed to be a permanent arrangement, that’s fine, too. Neither way affects my life.

I’ve read the Bible and I’m still interested in religion as a construct, but my backside on a wood bench, while I sing the Bee Gees in my head for an hour, doesn’t help anyone.

The Catholics wouldn’t even have me. I could only take one knee, so that was the end of that charade.

The condition was congenital. The doctors of the time were baffled by more important things.

It was all about a girl and John Paul II had his own problems. It must take hours just for him to get dressed, so anyway, the pope had one his lackeys reply to my letter seeking papal intervention in a most impersonal way, so our relationship soured.

The ornamental robes make my mouth dry, anyway.

As it turned out, the girl I was dating was in love with someone else, anyway. Throughout the whole shootin’ match. Being a dunce, I thought I had a chance.

She didn’t know who the new guy was, but he was better than me by a long shot. It’s tough for a guy to compete against a mythical trophy husband with dashing black eyebrows.

I was like a seat filler at the Oscars, except they get paid and know what the hell is going on. She has been brushing me off in dreams since before Robert Palmer blew my mind.

So, anyway, Pastor Hoverson replied to my characterization of Trump’s child separation and kid caging as being cruel. He said I wasn’t taking into consideration context or something that allowed the pastor to sleep at night. He thought it was a swell idea.

I said there was no rationalization for such horrid acts. Were those children less loved than those in Minot?

Anyway, our messages devolved and the pastor would not move from his immoral position.

Schalow wins an easy one.

And kid caging is just a dot on the map of 45’s transgressions.

He bears false witness like Larry Stanhopseno eats soup.

Trump covets like crazy Joe Devola.

The university con and the charity con equal theft by deception. And the nonpayment for work and equipment just makes Trump a crook.

He worships a false God. Himself. Zeus didn’t boast as much.

Adultery is one of this man’s hobbies.

He doesn’t know what Sabbath means. He calls it Round 27 after a nice omelet and a stick of butter.

Trump tics all of the deadly sin boxes, too.

On a side note; Jeff and Oley have marshmallow fantasies to share. Larsen gave a soliloquy a few years ago about bullying and marshmallows. I think he was on the pro-bullying side.

Hoverson conjured images of the Giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters for some reason.

Rep. Jeff, Sen. Oley, and Rep. Bob Paulsen represent District 3.

One thought on “RON SCHALOW: Holier Than Thou, Part One”

  • Diana Green March 14, 2019 at 12:43 pm

    I looked in Costco and didn’t find any cans of it, but had a good laugh at the sarcasm rightfully displayed!! Keep up the good words.


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