RON SCHALOW: Mid-January Punditing

Since the Fargo Forum’s shill for the overdog and slacker political pundit, who refers to himself as a humble observer and the most influential political blogger in North Dakota, isn’t being humble or most influential, he obviously isn’t up to his own hype and requires a hand. Need an example?

“Port: State lawmakers should be wary of their own revenue forecast”

Are our legislators not wary? Jeebus, half of them are probably carrying a pistol and on hyper-alert in case any Native riots to break out in the middle of nowhere. Or for kids “not in cages” wandering the corridors. Tear gas will be needed to put down a toddler uprising. And I know we’re stocked up on the mace.

Port is telling his North Dakota GOP team to look both ways before crossing the street, since there are superfast Mexican cars to be wary of. It’s good advice. But it’s nothing to write about. Rob needs a “something that fits his ideology but doesn’t besmirch Kevin” topic. Something non-duhish.

And should Navy SEALs be wary of enormous and ticked-off Wooly Buffalo Sharks? Of course! But just while swimming as an elite fighting force while in the ocean. Wooly Buffalo Sharks rarely come looking for SEALs on land. If they do, they aren’t so tough when they’re all dried out, anyway. Nobody is.

The photo above is a story in itself. North Dakota Sen. Kevin “Chain Link” Cramer got a lot of good-natured ribbing over that picture.  This won’t be like that.

The white guy in the upper right is sniffing derisively and giving the white nationalist look of contempt toward the totality of the others. “How did they get into this country, anyway?”

Kevin is ultrafrightened of people with dark skin. Had the senator shuffled any farther to his left to get away, he would have fallen off the top row of the riser. Maybe there was a gay person in the group who really gave him the heebies, and possibly the jeebies, too.

Anyway, our state’s contribution to Donald Trump’s election was nil. But someone has to take responsibility for this tornadic fiasco of not running the country every few days to keep the battery charged. I blame the red caps.

I also blame Trump hat hicks for retiring a perfectly sound moderate U.S. senator for a third of a stooge and a small plastic bag of bacon lard The lard is useful once every week for about 15 minutes. Civilian Heidi Heitkamp has been doing more than our newest senator, and he’s the one getting paid.

Port doesn’t write about Trump because it would reflect poorly on his bud, Cramer. CK’s campaign shadowed the Trump rallies so closely I thought I was in the old South.

Now they’ve found out that old DT was meeting with Vladimir Putin off-book, so good choice, Kev.

What’s more important than a dodgy wall? To homo sapiens, it’s the warming of the earth, which will put the planet into a tailspin. It’s the same for other animals. They’ll be affected, too. Including the domesticated livestock that always live with the possibility of a noon execution any day and an afternoon under the knife.

Many people currently walking around won’t be here when it gets really bad, with the rain, the dryness, the wind and the fire. People like Trump have no concern for their grandkids or their grandkids’ kids.

What’s with the sociopath’s jacket? I’m asking for me. Why is Donnie pulling his jacket’s white insides out like plumage? Or frontal fins? Is he trying the puffy defense technique to frighten off predators? Like the prairie chicken or the puffer fish. Also know by eight other names, the puffer fish is one the favorite fish to be named in the script of a crime show.

Or maybe his jacket zipper is stuck halfway up and no one will help him fix it. Or DT is headed to the yacht club after every one of his little outings. Maybe that’s what he calls his little rendezvous spots to secretly meet with Vlad. “Hellooo, if anyone’s home. I’m headed to that place where they park all the boats. Don’t wait up.”

This product will pay for itself. That’s the pitch that president P.T. is using to sell the border. Like its an efficient light bulb. One of those corkscrew jobbies. That line has been used to sell used dirt for your garden and refrigerators. Sometimes it’s true. Not this time, though. D.T. Barnum is selling fear on an installment plan.

“The $18 billion wall will pay for itself by curbing the importation of crime, drugs and illegal immigrants who tend to go on the federal dole.” — D. Trump

Naturally, Trump is lying.

“This wall is going to be goddamn efficient, believe me. One kid got through — he was a shifty little bastard — but that hardly moved the needle on our efficiency tally. It’s very very good. I should know. Obviously, I am very efficient, I’m probably the most efficient president in world history. That’s what they are saying out on the car sidewalks.”

Somebody drives cars across the border that are too fast to catch. Don left a photo of the supercar in his other pants.

“The fact is if we don’t have barriers, walls — call it what you want — but if we don’t have very strong barriers where people can not any longer drive right across … they have unbelievable vehicles. They make a lot of money.’

They have the best vehicles you can buy. They have bigger, stronger and faster vehicles than our police have, than ICE has and than Border Patrol has,’ Trump said. ‘They have areas they go to where it’s like a highway and if we don’t close them up then you’re kidding yourself. The wall is a necessity.”

A partially dictated Trump email from the future:

“Melted butter. It’s the best deal you SOBs are going to get. Let me have a wall made of melted butter pats and I’ll back single-payer health care and all those other things. OK! Does it make you feel tough? Well for your information I’ve had a head cold. Nance! NO< NO< NO is all I hear. No to speed bumps. No to 36-inch chicken wire. You’re away. I’d use a hard seven iron. No to stacks of old Playboys. And no to miniature Hershey Bars. PLEASE, PLEASE, I need a wall. And yes, margarine counts if its any of your business Cryin’ Chuck! My base will believe it’s effective. You wouldn’t believe what — I yelled fore, you old rich coot. Only your wife got nailed. Walk it off, fish face. Anywaaays, I gotta get to the gym. Get back to me soon PLEASE, PLEASE!! Kisses, Yourfugginbathmat. I’d love to shove a cube of clean coal up your ass, but my Supreme guys aren’t cooperating. Toodles.”

Port doesn’t comment much on Cramer or Kelly Armstrong, either. So, I will.

Cramer isn’t sure how defenseless the Kurds will be if we pull out of Syria. Just a little defenselessness or a lot of defenselessness. Well, on the one hand, it could a problem, but on the other hand, it could be an issue. Time will tell.

“I have some concerns, my greatest concern … probably is the Kurds and … just how defenseless we are going to leave them,” newly elected Sen. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D, told Stars and Stripes.

Then, Cramer told the Grand Forks Herald that “a vast majority of North Dakotans want the wall.”

That could be true. It seems that conservatives who live the farthest away from the southern border are the most wall crazy and brown person averse. But a vast majority of Americans want the government back open, and Kevin hasn’t used any of his great influence, with anyone, to get the New York cheesecake to stumble back into reality.

As a senator, of course, Cramer doesn’t know anything, but we’ll pay government workers urgently. At some point. Maybe.

“As soon as the government reopens, help is on the way so to speak, but time matters. Time costs money, too. You can’t purchase things with a promise — you either have money or credit. The good thing is the money is coming, but again, there is urgency to all of it.”

“I grew up with parents who lived month to month and paycheck to paycheck,” he said. “It’s real. It can’t be understated. There’s real pain or the potential for it at least, so we’ve got to find a solution for this.” —  Kevin Cramer, acting empathetic. It’s his toughest note to hit.

Kelly Armstrong threw a Twitter pebble at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s bedroom window to raise his own profile. It served no other purpose, other than making him look stupid. Armstrong is taking Trump’s side in a truthfulness contest? Really? Is he at all familiar with our president?

A Tweet from THE Kelly Armstrong isn’t a lot to ignore. Nobody picked up his major Twitter burn except a few North Dakota papers. AOC certainly didn’t see it. These Trump Republicans think Lexie — that’s what I call her — would be the type to scare the crap out of them, if they ever did have panic attacks about such things. Anyway, Lex is the new “It Girl” with “the lying females have cooties” movement.

Also from the Grand Forks Herald, our lone congressman opens his mouth and a vacuous statement rolls out, which answers nothing. That’s exactly how they teach it in little politicians school.

Rep. Kelly Armstrong, R-N.D., said the “immigration system has been broken for a long time.”

Double Duh.

Leave a Reply