RON SCHALOW: A Small Pile Of 2018

  • Because I can’t stop clicking on Amazon ads with pictures of things I don’t recognize, I know what more things look like than I did last year, which only counts for tots. I spotted the “Future Fork” that is not for eating future meals, as it turned out. It’s a modern, I guess, pitchfork/shovel for moving manure.

Amazon recommends that I also purchase the “Future Fork wood handle replacement, which wasn’t pictured with the “Future Fork” that might have led to a better guess. No prizes are offered. No money changed hands.

  • Martin Sheen, aka Ramón Gerard Antonio Estévez, has a younger brother. I didn’t know that until this year. That’s on me. Martin had no obligation to inform me of his siblings. Joe Estévez narrated “Apocalypse Now.” His was the voice of Captain Benjamin L. Willard, played by Sheen.

I feel mildly deceived, but I probably paid 50 cents to see it, so no harm. Seeing it again on Netflix made me wonder who so and so is, or was. And I found Joe.

However, when you see a commercial and you think the person doing the voiceover is Martin, it’s more likely to be Joe.

  • The Emoluments Clause. Some are brushing up on it. Most think it has something to do with the Santa Clause, which it kind of does. Foreign governments are Santa and Trump is the rich spoiled kid surrounded by lawyers and Russians. Probably some Russian lawyers.
  • Malignant Narcissism became a thing discussed by narcissists and non-narcissists alike. The narcissists don’t see it, though.
  • Global warming deniers are really taking the facts personally. “No Dave, I’m not blaming you. Humans have done all sorts of things that haven’t been accredited specifically to you, Dave, so walk it off. It doesn’t really matter whether you believe it or not, so stay offended.”
  • 2018 was the first year I ever warned a Great Cuts stylist that I better not walk out the door looking like a Nazi. I noticed the style was making a comeback, and I didn’t want my hair to get sucked into any far-right ideology. The young lady knew what I meant.
  • Right after the election in 2016, I thought, “Holy buckets, an old discolored Venezuelan red howler monkey got elected president.” Bold move electorally, but other than the poor hygiene, but we could do worse. Then I thought, “Hold on a minute. This character isn’t half as smart as a howler monkey and not nearly as personable.

So, what then? Bonobo? Chimp? A shaved eastern gorilla? It was a chicken eating something.

It wasn’t until 2018 that I realized that this Donald Trump fellow was technically a human being, or somewhat so. Darwin would be puzzled. The human being label gets tossed around too easily.

  • A monkey could scale the famous slatted wall with a backpack of sandwiches rather easily. Trump is going to be defending us from the monkey invasion and throwing them shade on Twitter. That’s what I’m hearing is his frightening theme for 2020.
  • In 2018, I learned how dense and how smitten with a pathological lying crook a congressman can be. Kevin Cramer attached himself to the bloated host organism like a parasitic carnivorous sea lamprey, also not known for their cunning but professionals at latching on to blood-based morons. I also learned that lampreys are fish, not eels.

In June, the parasite, almost Sen. Cramer, just blurts out his unconditional love for chain-link fencing and its gentle humaneness. The steam calliope between his ears told him that chain link cannot be besmirched no matter the configuration.

“There’s nothing inhumane about a chain-link fence ― if it is, then every ballpark in America is inhumane,” claimed the talking fish.

What KC failed to see is that anyone can just throw up metal fencing, with the proper permits, all willy-nilly. That’s the easy part. A straight one here. A backstop there. Chain link is great for tennis courts or dog kennels. It’s the configuration that is hard — for some people — to differentiate.

T-ball fields, which moon pie used for an example, may have a chain-link fence around the entire perimeter of the playing area, but the tykes are able to leave through points of egress. Escape is effortless. That’s the key, except you don’t need a key.

Cramer fails to understand the egress part.

Now, as a qualified architect will tell you, an inside small rectangular space surrounded by fencing from floor to ceiling and a locked gate is a cage. A jail. After Donald Trump took the kids from their parents, he put them in cages with no egress. Cramer was fine with that. He certainly wasn’t going to detach from twinkle toes and give up his free meal for reasons pertaining to character and honor.

  • Cramer also insisted that you can’t have an accredited sexual assault if the penis stays in the proper pants, which is ludicrous and not a factor in the legality of an attack. Only a graceless lying toadie senator can bring those skills to the Trump table.
  • “Mabel, am I a xenophobe?” “Probably. You already have the red cap. Maybe look up what the word means and see if the shoe fits.”
  • * We learned that Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “fell in love” because of Kim’s “beautiful letters,” after only one date 2018. The little cube-shaped murderer would still atomize some of our best cities if given the chance, so Trump could have his heart broken, or some other significant organ. I’m not really sure how DT is assembled or how he slipped through quality control. Inspector No. 3 could have been out with the sniffles. My concern is for Vlad. Where will he stand in the relationship after his investment of time, money, and diamond nose studs?
  • Supreme Court Judge Bret Kavanaugh likes beer. He didn’t mention any favorite brands while he proudly paraded his fermented disposition and drinking issues in front of millions on national television, but he has an incredible taste for beer. Thank goodness his life was not ruined. We need Bret to ruin the lives of other people.
  • After Bret calmly stated his case, Luke Simons, a North Dakota legislator of no repute, posted a meme which read, “MOTHERS OF SONS SHOULD BE SCARED. It is terrifying that at any time, any girl can make up any story about any boy that can neither be proved or disproved and completely ruin any boy’s life.” He still has it up.

Stone the little girls! That would solve Luke’s fear for his son. It doesn’t say much for how he thinks about his four girls and wife, except that any of them could ruin the life of a male. Simons may have missed all of the times that boys, and men, have lied about females of all ages. Trump, who Luke considers a great president, lies about women as a matter of habit.

I could tell more Luke stories, but who cares? Maybe just one. Paraphrasing what Simons said in a Facebook video, “The government schools won’t tell you this, but grass adds more oxygen to the air than trees.” Not remotely true — oceans are No. 1 — so that may be why the government schools aren’t keen on the grass thing.

  • The boring Netflix series of wood burning in a fireplace wasn’t new to me in 2017. But now, they’ve added the seductive “Birchwood Edition.” One can feel the flames if you’re a bit psychotic, but it looked the same as burning an arm full of short 2-by-4’s and scrap plywood, as do many of the new shows they add hourly on the streaming service.
  • Those alt-right incels, the whiny ones who blame women for not dating them and get mad when a female refuses to drink boilermakers on command, and sometimes turn murderous, are coming down with bone spurs just to be on the safe side.
  • European scientists reported that microplastics have been detected in human stool samples for the first time this year? Sea creatures and birds have had their fill of microplastics, the result of plastic tossed into the ocean and breaking down. Now, it’s made its way into humans. It’s not poisonous, though. No, it’s poisonous.

Speaking of poop …

  • The unnecessary Rob Port is still simmering after losing his Heidi Heitkamp schtick as an hourly source after he had already lost his go to; “Heidi’s Favorite Candidate Said Something My Misogynist Regulars Will Love To Hate.” content. Trump siphoned 25 percent from Port’s regular rotating pundit poop trough and Cramer the other 75 percent.

So, it’s come to this:

“Reminder: North Dakota Democrats Also Attempted “Russian Tactics” During Election” Port headline.

No Rob. The Russians didn’t invent deceptive marketing. And in this case, neither did the Democrats use it. Port took the slimmest of evidence and effect and turned it into a Port hill.

“This Time Anti-Discrimination Activists Hope to Bring Evidence of Discrimination to the Legislature”

Gay people and transsexual people — not to mention fat people — have been persecuted, beaten and murdered since the first gaggle of humans became dicks. Rob Port needs videotaped evidence rather than expend a moment of brain engagement on the obvious.

“Should We Care If Teens Vape.”

Should we, or Forum Communications, care if Port has written about two dozen pro-vaping articles? Why don’t they just admit that Port will shill for moola?

  • “I am a tariff man,” which is a step down from Piltdown Man, a paleoanthropological hoax.
  • Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg should be able to afford a better haircut. Bill Gates might also consider going to a professional for his barbering. At least let Trump’s stylist take a crack at it, since you’ll see nothing finer outside of the South American rain forests.
  • Trumpochio: Just one of DT’s thousands of lies last year. “All Republicans support people with pre-existing conditions, and if they don’t, they will after I speak to them I am in total support.” The Mexicans and tariff man will probably pay for it.
  • Trump is now building “artistic” fences, so the armadillos have something to look at and rebranding his promised wall as “steel slats.” By 2019, he’ll be happy to get a white picket fence.
  • The word of the year is cruelty. Cruelty to women, cruelty to hungry people, cruelty to refugees and asylum seekers, cruelty to children and their parents.

Trump, is naturally cruel, and Kevin Cramer, a cruel joke, is 100 percent behind the Grand Wizard.

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