RON SCHALOW: No, I’m Not Surprised

“Is anyone surprised by this?” It’s one of the most-used phrases on social media when the news pertains to Trump, It’s easy and always applicable.

Would anyone be surprised by the possibility of the following?:

  • “I got an A-plus for my handling of Hurricane Maria, but some low-energy losers blame me for people dying on Porto Recliner. A lot of times it was the same person, who probably died by sticking a flagpole into their forehead, who they — probably that kooky major lady — kept changing into new outfits. Crazy shameful counting. Not many know this, but if all of your trees are bent, your just inviting strong winds. And it’s an island. Who knew that? Very complicated. Even my island guys can’t believe it. So a few thousand die from a heart attack and it’s MY fault? Straighten your trees and quit blaming white men for eating all of the shrimp cocktails.”
  • “I’m sorry — it’s so unfair — that this Trump Jr. fellow was indicted, but I don’t really know him. I think we met a couple of times in the living room. Forgettable. Very forgettable. That’s how I would characterize our meetings.”
  • The White House has requested that the media measure Trump lies by the pound if they’re going to stay on this kick about “facts.”
  • According to The Associated Press: Don and Kim are taking separate vacations this year. “This guy won’t stop texting,” said the North Korean dictator, through an interpreter. “I think something wrong with him.”
  • Trump orders the troops to come to visit him to keep their morale up. A thousand at a time. He’ll wave from the penthouse when he hears a ringing noise in his ears.
  • President Donald Trump has nominated wrestling mogul Vince McMahon to be the next U.S. ambassador to South Africa.
  • Sen. Kevin Cramer gave Trump a diamond tennis bracelet for their anniversary, reports Rob Port.
  • Heard on MSNBC: “So Trump sells South Dakota to Alwaleed bin Talal, the Saudi prince who twice saved the president from bankruptcy. Don is concerned about the debt the state is taking on to make sure the Black Hills and other wooded areas are kept raked. No other states fell for the, ‘well, Finland rakes their forests’ malarkey. Do you know how much a quality leaf bag cost? It’s ridiculous. What do you think, Ted?”
  • Reuters reports that PresidentTrump plans to seize the entire stock of the Greater Chicago Food Depository and send the food to the troops still in Afghanistan. Trump claims that the government needs to save money and he’ll steal it if he must.
  • “When you think about it, throughout history, I’ve barely golfed more than Obama. Most don’t know this, but BO would sneak out at night to get in a nine. He lost a lot of balls, probably the most in the history of golf. It was a tremendous number of balls. The troops could have used those balls. It’s sort of treasonous if you stop and think about it?”
  • “Mika, did you see the Republican debate last night? Oh, my God. In front of millions, Donald Trump, the guy we call the president, produces a live badger from his pants and tries to toss it at Martha Raddatz. The badger was unharmed. It was more a drop than a toss. The Donald claims his arms were weak due to bench presses minutes before the debate. I’m not sure if I believe that. Anyway, at first, Trump denies hiding the badger in his pants, which millions witnessed, as blood drips on the stage from his pant cuff. He lights a Tiki torch. Then, the president tries to lunge at Martha, but slips on blood and konks his head on the stage and goes unconscious. Wow! I repeat; no badgers were harmed.”
  • President Trump is doing a cleanse reports the White House press secretary. “The president will be carrying bologna sandwiches and spray cheese in his suit pockets. The sandwiches and aerosol cheeselike products are there strictly for emergencies. No other reason.”
  • The Southern Poverty Law Center names Trump administration a hate group.
  • Anonymous reports say, “Trump moves a woman named Breezy Williams into a cabana close to the ninth hole tee box at Mar-a-Lago without charging her the $200,000 membership fee. He says he does not know that woman but judges her to be a 10.”
  • In a Tweet, Trump threatens to turn Belgium into dust and that dust into even teenier dust. It will be a finely granulated dust for sure. Waffles were involved.
  • “Believe me, I have myself waterboarded every day as a refresher. It certainly isn’t torturing. And there is no long-term damage. Later the boys are going hook me up to a car battery, so certainly, a nonwhite terrorist can handle a little zap.”
  • Press release: “Trump names Grover Cleveland to the Baseball Hall of Fame.”
  • “Most don’t know this, but Norwegians, who are welcome immigrants, make this food that is so smelly. It looks white Jello and they put the leftovers around the house to put the bears off their feed. Some of the highest-paid men in Norwegia are those who will safely dispose of the fish dish. Their trees are very straight.”
  • “I’m declaring Mar-a Lago a federal disaster. Hurricane Orville has hit us hard. Personally, I have lost many Rembrats in this storm. We won’t stop until we find the missing golfers and at least 30 percent of the caddies. I had nothing to do with allowing those men and women to go out onto the course in that weather, but there are no refunds on greens fees. I’ve probably made less money from being president than all of the others.”
  • “You know, it should be noted by the fake news, I was the first to ever say badda-bing. The Italians picked it up shortly thereafter, but I was first. The guy who came up with the badda-boom got rich in the tree straightening business. But blame Trump.”

Leave a Reply