Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Rural Trumpist Talks Race With The Beagle Bugle Chronicle

BBC: “Thank you for taking the time to answer some questions, sir. Your responses will be anonymous — at your request — which does not mean this conversation did not take place. Can we agree that this interview is happening and afterward, that this exchange did in-fact happen? Words were spoken?” Mr. Q: “Oh, sure, that’s typical for a Marxist organization like …


Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota Trumpublicans Are Super Flexible When It Comes To Personal Responsibility

After the most recent LGBTQ embarrassment, when North Dakota Republicans unknowingly wrote the quiet part out loud, the big R’s condemned their political party’s own thoughts and directed the smart guy to remove Resolution 31 and the other 12,000 words of their platform from the NDGOP website. PSA: Resolutions are now exclusively available by request from corby@ndgop.org. Who took responsibility …


RON SCHALOW: He Is What He Is

It’s getting a little chippy out there. An old guy can’t even drop dead at the bowling alley without some jamoke claiming that the man’s last cough was deliberating misleading to skew coronavirus numbers in order to make Donald Trump look bad. It’s tough, I tell you. Last week, I saw two facially naked Norwegian-Americans mug an elderly masked man …

RON SCHALOW: NDGOP LGBTQ Bigotry Extends To Heterosexuals

“Opposition to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Anti-Discrimination Bills,” reads the heading of a zealously written category of the North Dakota GOP’s 2020 resolutions, recently discovered to be their 1920 resolutions. So the Republican assistant manager removed the document from the official webpage, but the 1920 project lives on in some cloud. All went Trumpy when the NDGOP got superconcerned …

RON SCHALOW: Wes Belter Smears Jim Shaw To Discredit Black Lives Matter

It was a feeble attempt at a rhetorical bank shot. Former majority leader and speaker of the North Dakota House of Representatives Wes Belter — a big deal — went on a Trumpist rager under a false premise to reiterate Donald Trump’s sermon on the mount for those who didn’t get the racist message. Belter’s entire op-ed was exceedingly consistent in dishonesty …

RON SCHALOW: Trump To Protect Statues After Failing With People

Disgruntled president to cut work hours and focus only on inanimate objects Donald Trump wrote early this morning on his Twitter account. “I’ve had it with you #people. Except Patriots @RiotsDoneRight. Bitch bitch bitch. It’s is all I hear. And where’s your mask? I don’t need this. I’m very Disgruntled @ohsopreciousdelicatepeople Have seen the nasty remarks they put on my …

RON SCHALOW: You Might Be A Retrumplican …

If you rationalize the abject promotion of virus spread by jamming 20,000 adoring fans into a giant tuna can to “rally” by noting that some liberal bastards aren’t denouncing the transmission of the coronavirus by demonstrators as vigorously as the ego-driven “rallies,” you might be a Retrumplican. But there is no similarity, and it’s still not self-evident to the Retrumplicans …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Breaks With Trump On Pandemic

On Friday, June 12 — a date concocted to mark time — North Dakota Sen. Kevin Cramer came down hard on a critical issue, a current crisis, which will surely fracture his chummy relationship with President Donald Trump. Cramer linked to an opinion piece published by RealClearPolitics, entitled “Unnecessary Lockdowns Created Social Turmoil, Global Suffering,” on his Twitter Page. He added, …

RON SCHALOW: The Politics of Death — Taking One For Team Trump

Republicans are going to pack the Spectrum Center in Charlotte, N.C., or somewhere domed, for the 2020 Republican National Convention for four days at the end of August. Fifty thousand might show up against the advice of experts. Maybe. Trump drives a hard bargain. At any rate, some indoor stadium, maybe two, since convention business could be conducted in one …

RON SCHALOW: The Base’s Response Wasn’t Legendary

This past Friday, crazy North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum defied the Base’s morbidly obtuse idol by pleasantly asking people to be nice. These are the governor’s words: “I would really love to see in North Dakota that we could just skip this thing that other parts of the nation are going through where they’re trading a divide — either it’s ideological …

RON SCHALOW: The Dogs That Didn’t Bark In The Night — Or Bay In The Day

A virus is raging across China and it’s on a collision course with Donald Trump. As the North Dakota Young Republicans often opine, “Hmmmm.” They really know how to rile the base. But the thought of a Trump versus deadly virus showdown didn’t scare our guys. Not in the least. What good does it do to bark at a near-certain …

RON SCHALOW: Transcript — Alternative January Trump Vows To Contain Pandemic

Proclamation on Declaring a National Emergency Concerning the Novel Coronavirus Disease Oval Office: Jan.13, 2020 THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans: I sit before you a (cough) humble man — not a hefty man, an obese man or a gingerbread man — just a regular heavily made-up fellow who is going to do the right thing whether the elitist establishment likes it or …

RON SCHALOW: Dumb And Dumber

For years after 9/11, President George W. Bush would tell dozens of audiences some variation of his “ocean’s theory of complacent defense.” Like this one from 2002: “No, it’s a different kind of war than our nation has seen in the past. One thing that’s different is oceans no longer keep us safe,” he explained to the folks at the …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota First?

Were we — the state of North Dakota — seriously obligated to wait for Donald Trump to finish bungling the initial response to the Novel Coronavirus before we — the state of North Dakota — acted aggressively to combat the virus? The necessary information was public, and the experts were screaming and blowing air horns at policymakers since January. Was any state required to …

RON SCHALOW: Ukrainian Family Freaks Out Burleigh County Corgis

How many Ukrainian refugees can move into the city of boring blank walls without riling up the usual small pack of those yappy little territorial Burleigh County Corgis the corrupt president enjoys lying to? Zero. They’re banning light bulbs. No, it’s murals. Bismarck is banning murals or morals to the story. It’s extreme vetting for everyone to mayoral standards, nowadays. …

RON SCHALOW: A Mural Of Greta Versus The Mob

Well, that’s just great. A few villagers got wind of a yet-to-exist innocuous mural with a whiff of science implied, and now we have to inspect all of the art in the state for depictions of Swedes wearing Native jewelry. It seems the mere thought of a mural featuring a 17-year-old girl got a handful of North Dakota wankers so …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Kicks Truth Cold Turkey

Bored mingling is suddenly interrupted by an almost familiar woman moonwalking into the White House press room with her middle fingers extended and aimed at the gaggle of journalists. “What’s up, jerks?” When she gets positioned behind the podium, the woman poses as if beseeching the harsh lighting to be kind and bellows in a deep, guttural baritone: “The Base’ …

RON SCHALOW: Lately In Trump Dakota

Like the humble Rob Port, who brags that his defunct blog was “part of the fabric” (Only argali wool thread for Rep. Rick Becker) of “politics in North Dakota,” the unassuming Donald Trump also can’t be steam-cleaned out of the democratic socialist manufactured couch sitting by the capitalist Coke machine in the breakroom of our socialist State Mill. That’s because …

RON SCHALOW: Refugees Face Trumpish Disinformation Campaign

Me: To whom it may concern: I’m reprinting these unambiguous words I found on the Lutheran Social Services website. I found them. They were merely laying there on the internet. Anyone could have grasped them, but few of the self-appointed experts did. I have no association with LSS, but “Jebus Jay Jones,” desperate people! At least pretend to look contemptuously, …

RON SCHALOW: The Sinking Of Bismarck

Well, the liberals did it now. “Human scum,” if you prefer. How are we going to pay for THIS? How are we going to put a price on human life this time? Burleigh County, 1,668 mostly empty square miles, is willing to accept a whole 25 refugees from probably not Northern Europe. What an imposition on somebody somewhere in that …

RON SCHALOW: Part 3 —’Washington State Opts Out of Bakken Oil Train Lotto’

“Oh, you would LOVE that wouldn’t you?” smirks a loudmouth into an iPhone while waving a glazed bear claw. “Like you know anything, Steeeve. Who are YOU to tell ME what you supposedly know about president Maynard T. Loser and his unbecoming band of hysterical liars?” “Right, right, right — shut up a minute — I just heard that one of the …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Love Makes Armstrong Stupid

On Wednesday, North Dakota Congressman Kelly Armstrong (Cult45 —Bastiat Chapter) found his inner Kevin Cramer and spat out this chewed up olive pit: “We have the alleged victim of quid pro quo, bribery, extortion — whatever we’re dealing with now today — repeatedly and adamantly shouting from the rooftops that he never felt pressure, that he was not the victim …

RON SCHALOW: Part 2 of ‘Washington State Opts Out Of Bakken Oil Train Lotto’

A door-to-door custom news talker — one think minimum — begins his commentary: “North Dakota, North Dakota, it’s coming to me, OK, in North Dakota news, Gov. Doug Burgum — honorary chair of Donald Trump 2020 — either did something humane or made an empty gesture. More after this.” “Hey dumbass. I told you ‘no’ commercials.” “It was a PSA, man. Geez. So anyway, …

RON SCHALOW: Washington State Opts Out of Bakken Oil Train Lotto, Part 1

The odds are too good. Washington does realize that this move will lower its chances of winning any fiery Bakken surprise prizes to zero, but it’s willing to forgo the suspense. Too much quid, so little quo. The Bakken Bosses — it’s an industry AND state enterprise — as in “Are you talking to me?” or “Ich spreche kein Deutsch.” It depends. …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Gang Of Invertebrates Retools Messaging

“As some of you may have noticed before the formalities took the cocktail weenies right out of my mouth, I’m presently talking more like a normal person to give my jowls a rest. Do not be alarmed. It’s not easy to mimic the look of having no bones or teeth below the nose. Just lips and skin. It makes me …

RON SCHALOW: Why Won’t Kelly Armstrong Leak Testimony?

What the hell is going on? Why isn’t Congressman Kelly Armstrong patriotically leaking the great impeachment news — that the lamestream media refuses to report — that would exonerate Donald Trump of airtight charges stemming from a super successful witch hunt? The congressman is sitting right there as the “never Trumpers” testify. It’s the least he can do if he were …

RON SCHALOW: Hysterical Minot Blogger Smears Calm Fargo Columnist

Jim Shaw wrote a column for ForumComm titled “We shouldn’t be afraid to shop, worship or go to school.” Shaw has issues with the high level of gun violence in our country, Donald Trump, and he speaks for millions of sentient Americans. ForumComm hack Rob Port couldn’t have that.  Evidently unable to see beyond his yard in Minot, N.D., Port …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Leadership Turns North Dakota Into A Swing State

In the year 2000, the Supreme Court installed George W. Bush into the presidency and it blew the call in multiple ways. Bush was/is an intellectual wisp in his own family, a lazy POTUS and easily manipulated by sociopathic jamokes like Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Roger Ailes and Dick Cheney.  When the Supremes stopped the count and the bizarre chad …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota’s Special K’s Always Have Donnie T’s Back

Well, we watched our right-wing terror network working out some frustration in El Paso, Texas, plus the American terrorists currently listed as agnostic that shot up Gilroy, Calif., Dayton, Ohio, and those coming soon to your neck of the woods. And that was on top of our regular body count. Flags were lowered. The usual suspects drew their swords in …

RON SCHALOW: Armstrong Sells Out America, Part II, ‘The Wrath Of Chuck’

Soon after his impossibly fat pitch got hit into the center-field stands by the former director of the CIA, Kelly Armstrong found himself talking to NBC’s Chuck Todd. He was near giddy. Kelly figures war hero Bob pulled a fast one with his special council report and he can’t wait to tell skeptical Chuck. Baghdad Bobby Barr isn’t even spinning …

RON SCHALOW: Kelly Armstrong Sells Out America

“This isn’t about political affiliation,” Congressman Kelly Armstrong told Chuck Todd with a straight face after A-Stro questioned Robert Mueller’s military hero grade integrity in front of a national audience. The Cult Commissioner told Kelly to “hit the old man in the face with a dead squid.” The live ones can get unruly and might swallow a cat. So he …

RON SCHALOW: Rob Port Thinks He Has Credibility

Spoiler Alert: If you find Rob Port repugnant, have no interest in his antics or have just eaten, keep scrolling. I think my bizarre hobby is informative to some people who want to know what’s going on with a far right-wing propagandist in our midst but wouldn’t actually read a Port column with a 10-foot microscope. Lately, Rob Port has …

RON SCHALOW: We’ll Leave If We Feel Like It

I’m even praying for this next sentence to be true. Except for the obvious exceptions, every person in the country knows that they’ve always been free to leave, and none of us need a cowardly lying racist to shoot his mouth off with reminders. And the president isn’t the arbiter of who loves this country, anyway. He can’t even choose …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Is The Greatest America Hater

Hot off the press, from the president who gives racist conmen a bad name: “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY HERE, YOU CAN LEAVE! It is your choice, and your choice alone. This is about love for America. Certain people HATE our Country …” This is one of those big lies you hear about since nobody in this country hates America …

RON SCHALOW: Has Putin Offered Trump Asylum?

ICYMI: Our president willingly offers up the 73rd clue for historians to ponder regarding his emigration. “Fake news. You don’t have this problem with Russia, we have. You don’t have it.” That was Donald “Forest Expert” Trump amiably chatting up Vladimir “The Impaler” Putin for the microphones and sounding too sadly envious — for my taste — in his despair of not …

RON SCHALOW: The Cowards Of The Country

Sen. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., second chair apologist for sexual predators, proposed a bill that would restrict federal funding for health care facilities that “don’t respect human life and patient rights.” Cramer gives no mention of the evil human rights abuses that President Trump has inflicted on brown children, who are unfortunately dependent on his care since the orange stain was …

RON SCHALOW: Three Women And A Baby

On June 13, the Fargo Forum reported that the North Dakota Women’s Network had chosen Rep. Ruth Buffalo to be their 2019 “Woman of the Year.” How dare any of that happen! Immediately, a Forum blogger, Rob “Bill Barr” Port, aka “Baghdad Rob” became irate, hungry and a bit peckish. So, after a snack, the self-proclaimed “journalist” grabbed a keyboard …

RON SCHALOW: Republicans Are Working Against Our Future

A weird child tells Piers Morgan the darndest things about his just-funny-to-him meeting with Prince Charles: “I think I was yeah, we had a great conversation and it was about you would call it climate change but yeah I think we had a very very good conversation.” — Donald J. Trump We “all” call it climate change, Fonzie. Global warming is …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer’s 2014 Coverup

Sen. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., has been doing a splendid job in his efforts to help his sociopathic low IQ pagan idol, President Trump, with tariff boy’s coverup, and there is a good reason why. He’s practiced. Cramer has put in the work for whoever puts the sparkle in the eye of his inner hyena. A year ago, Kevin was proudly …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Legislature Moves To End Bakken Train Explosions — Albeit By Accident

Congratulations are due Reps. Jason Dockter, Craig Headland, Michael Howe and Todd Porter and Sen. Dwight Cook, who all had the hindsight to propose a tax incentive bill that might draw companies to the Bakken to buy all of our gases — the ones cooked into our sweet luscious crude. To buy less than 100 percent of it would be rude. …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota Delegation’s Oil Pipe Dream

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee’s office recently received a terse letter from Sen. John Hoeven, Sen. Kevin Cramer and Rep. Kelly Armstrong, the most powerful set of unrelated triplets in North Dakota. The crowd roars. I don’t think Inslee honestly gives a rip, but he might admire their optimism. The super important envelope is surely somewhere on the governor’s desk, likely …

RON SCHALOW: The Fictional Senators Of North Dakota

“Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.” — Charles E. Weller, who authored the words to be a typing exercise. Many times I hammered out that seemingly patriotic sentence on an old clacking Smith Corona during typing class in the 10th grade, not once without peeking. Currently, I couldn’t tell to you …

RON SCHALOW: We Can’t Put This One Behind Us

At present, I’m getting outwitted by a militant parade of drunken white walker zombie ants. Collectively they might have a comparable number of brain cells to what I’m currently sporting, but who knows? I don’t know how the wattage works between species. Anyway, there could be a googol of the nosy insects in their Casselton, N.D., colony and the “Mad …

RON SCHALOW: A Shame And A Sham

That’s what Rob Port called a meeting at Standing Rock because it mildly illuminated his bigoted opinion of the Native American voting experience. A shame and a sham. On April 16, this happened: The Congressional Subcommittee on Elections held a Field Hearing: Voting Rights and Election Administration in the Dakotas. That’s how they billed it. The subcommittee also went to …