Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Washington State Opts Out of Bakken Oil Train Lotto, Part 1

The odds are too good. Washington does realize that this move will lower its chances of winning any fiery Bakken surprise prizes to zero, but it’s willing to forgo the suspense. Too much quid, so little quo. The Bakken Bosses — it’s an industry AND state enterprise — as in “Are you talking to me?” or “Ich spreche kein Deutsch.” It depends. …


Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Trump Gang Of Invertebrates Retools Messaging

“As some of you may have noticed before the formalities took the cocktail weenies right out of my mouth, I’m presently talking more like a normal person to give my jowls a rest. Do not be alarmed. It’s not easy to mimic the look of having no bones or teeth below the nose. Just lips and skin. It makes me …


RON SCHALOW: Why Won’t Kelly Armstrong Leak Testimony?

What the hell is going on? Why isn’t Congressman Kelly Armstrong patriotically leaking the great impeachment news — that the lamestream media refuses to report — that would exonerate Donald Trump of airtight charges stemming from a super successful witch hunt? The congressman is sitting right there as the “never Trumpers” testify. It’s the least he can do if he were …

RON SCHALOW: Hysterical Minot Blogger Smears Calm Fargo Columnist

Jim Shaw wrote a column for ForumComm titled “We shouldn’t be afraid to shop, worship or go to school.” Shaw has issues with the high level of gun violence in our country, Donald Trump, and he speaks for millions of sentient Americans. ForumComm hack Rob Port couldn’t have that.  Evidently unable to see beyond his yard in Minot, N.D., Port …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Leadership Turns North Dakota Into A Swing State

In the year 2000, the Supreme Court installed George W. Bush into the presidency and it blew the call in multiple ways. Bush was/is an intellectual wisp in his own family, a lazy POTUS and easily manipulated by sociopathic jamokes like Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Roger Ailes and Dick Cheney.  When the Supremes stopped the count and the bizarre chad …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota’s Special K’s Always Have Donnie T’s Back

Well, we watched our right-wing terror network working out some frustration in El Paso, Texas, plus the American terrorists currently listed as agnostic that shot up Gilroy, Calif., Dayton, Ohio, and those coming soon to your neck of the woods. And that was on top of our regular body count. Flags were lowered. The usual suspects drew their swords in …

RON SCHALOW: Armstrong Sells Out America, Part II, ‘The Wrath Of Chuck’

Soon after his impossibly fat pitch got hit into the center-field stands by the former director of the CIA, Kelly Armstrong found himself talking to NBC’s Chuck Todd. He was near giddy. Kelly figures war hero Bob pulled a fast one with his special council report and he can’t wait to tell skeptical Chuck. Baghdad Bobby Barr isn’t even spinning …

RON SCHALOW: Kelly Armstrong Sells Out America

“This isn’t about political affiliation,” Congressman Kelly Armstrong told Chuck Todd with a straight face after A-Stro questioned Robert Mueller’s military hero grade integrity in front of a national audience. The Cult Commissioner told Kelly to “hit the old man in the face with a dead squid.” The live ones can get unruly and might swallow a cat. So he …

RON SCHALOW: Rob Port Thinks He Has Credibility

Spoiler Alert: If you find Rob Port repugnant, have no interest in his antics or have just eaten, keep scrolling. I think my bizarre hobby is informative to some people who want to know what’s going on with a far right-wing propagandist in our midst but wouldn’t actually read a Port column with a 10-foot microscope. Lately, Rob Port has …

RON SCHALOW: We’ll Leave If We Feel Like It

I’m even praying for this next sentence to be true. Except for the obvious exceptions, every person in the country knows that they’ve always been free to leave, and none of us need a cowardly lying racist to shoot his mouth off with reminders. And the president isn’t the arbiter of who loves this country, anyway. He can’t even choose …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Is The Greatest America Hater

Hot off the press, from the president who gives racist conmen a bad name: “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY HERE, YOU CAN LEAVE! It is your choice, and your choice alone. This is about love for America. Certain people HATE our Country …” This is one of those big lies you hear about since nobody in this country hates America …

RON SCHALOW: Has Putin Offered Trump Asylum?

ICYMI: Our president willingly offers up the 73rd clue for historians to ponder regarding his emigration. “Fake news. You don’t have this problem with Russia, we have. You don’t have it.” That was Donald “Forest Expert” Trump amiably chatting up Vladimir “The Impaler” Putin for the microphones and sounding too sadly envious — for my taste — in his despair of not …

RON SCHALOW: The Cowards Of The Country

Sen. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., second chair apologist for sexual predators, proposed a bill that would restrict federal funding for health care facilities that “don’t respect human life and patient rights.” Cramer gives no mention of the evil human rights abuses that President Trump has inflicted on brown children, who are unfortunately dependent on his care since the orange stain was …

RON SCHALOW: Three Women And A Baby

On June 13, the Fargo Forum reported that the North Dakota Women’s Network had chosen Rep. Ruth Buffalo to be their 2019 “Woman of the Year.” How dare any of that happen! Immediately, a Forum blogger, Rob “Bill Barr” Port, aka “Baghdad Rob” became irate, hungry and a bit peckish. So, after a snack, the self-proclaimed “journalist” grabbed a keyboard …

RON SCHALOW: Republicans Are Working Against Our Future

A weird child tells Piers Morgan the darndest things about his just-funny-to-him meeting with Prince Charles: “I think I was yeah, we had a great conversation and it was about you would call it climate change but yeah I think we had a very very good conversation.” — Donald J. Trump We “all” call it climate change, Fonzie. Global warming is …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer’s 2014 Coverup

Sen. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., has been doing a splendid job in his efforts to help his sociopathic low IQ pagan idol, President Trump, with tariff boy’s coverup, and there is a good reason why. He’s practiced. Cramer has put in the work for whoever puts the sparkle in the eye of his inner hyena. A year ago, Kevin was proudly …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Legislature Moves To End Bakken Train Explosions — Albeit By Accident

Congratulations are due Reps. Jason Dockter, Craig Headland, Michael Howe and Todd Porter and Sen. Dwight Cook, who all had the hindsight to propose a tax incentive bill that might draw companies to the Bakken to buy all of our gases — the ones cooked into our sweet luscious crude. To buy less than 100 percent of it would be rude. …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota Delegation’s Oil Pipe Dream

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee’s office recently received a terse letter from Sen. John Hoeven, Sen. Kevin Cramer and Rep. Kelly Armstrong, the most powerful set of unrelated triplets in North Dakota. The crowd roars. I don’t think Inslee honestly gives a rip, but he might admire their optimism. The super important envelope is surely somewhere on the governor’s desk, likely …

RON SCHALOW: The Fictional Senators Of North Dakota

“Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.” — Charles E. Weller, who authored the words to be a typing exercise. Many times I hammered out that seemingly patriotic sentence on an old clacking Smith Corona during typing class in the 10th grade, not once without peeking. Currently, I couldn’t tell to you …

RON SCHALOW: We Can’t Put This One Behind Us

At present, I’m getting outwitted by a militant parade of drunken white walker zombie ants. Collectively they might have a comparable number of brain cells to what I’m currently sporting, but who knows? I don’t know how the wattage works between species. Anyway, there could be a googol of the nosy insects in their Casselton, N.D., colony and the “Mad …

RON SCHALOW: A Shame And A Sham

That’s what Rob Port called a meeting at Standing Rock because it mildly illuminated his bigoted opinion of the Native American voting experience. A shame and a sham. On April 16, this happened: The Congressional Subcommittee on Elections held a Field Hearing: Voting Rights and Election Administration in the Dakotas. That’s how they billed it. The subcommittee also went to …

RON SCHALOW: This Is The Worst Reality Show I’ve Ever Been In

It’s terrible. The president is an asshole and his poll numbers go up in unison with his every act of ignorant cruelty. That’s one of those “known knowns.” And maybe, “known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.” And I thought Donald Rumsfeld was a dick. Now, this odd character just entered. …

RON SCHALOW: Port Is A Liar And Gum Sticks To Your Hair

Rep. Ruth Buffalo doesn’t report to Rob Port. “She refuses to speak on POVnow’s show, or at AM 1100, or with Rob Port because she said they’re not journalists seeking the truth, they’re personalities pushing agendas.” — C.S. Hagen, HPR Unless he has a dog with no self-respect, nobody reports to Rob Port. I believe it’s because he’s a creep that …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Suing WA To Keep Explosive Bakken Oil Trains Rolling Through Seattle

“North Dakota’s oil regulator (Lynn Helms) is planning to sue the state of Washington if it goes ahead with a proposal to reduce the volatility of Bakken crude oil transported by rail, saying it is not supported by science and would devalue the product.” — The Columbian. “Helms also wants the North Dakota Legislature to add $500,000 to a litigation fund …

RON SCHALOW: The NDGOP Cares About Kids And Other Laughs

The party of cutting funds for Special Olympics was so worried that a kid might ingest an edible form of medical marijuana, it ixnayed some of the most useful ways to help people in distress. Opponents expressed sincere concern that a chocolate chip cookie, baked with love and marijuana, would attract children, and the next thing you know, you’ve got …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Law Will Give Gun Industry Government Protection

A little over a year ago, 17 people were gunned down at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. Most of them were teens. Within the last two weeks, two young survivors of that attack have committed suicide, as has the father of a Sandy Hook Elementary School (Newton, Conn.) shooting child victim. All of this death. The …

RON SCHALOW: Abortion Pill Reversal Law A Scam of Misinformed Consent

“You create a law based on no science — absolutely zero science.” — Dr. Mitchell Creinin, OB-GYN; NPR March 22, 2019 I am not a woman, so I have no idea what it would feel like to even ponder the prospect of terminating a pregnancy. And neither does North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, who disappoints me once per week and signed …

RON SCHALOW: Mr. Marcil, Tear Down Port’s Hate Speech Wall

Unless Forum Communications has some bizarre legal stipulation on page 63 of a contract with “a blogger” whereby FCC has no control over anything related to Sayanythingblog and Rob Port, a Minot legend for refusing to shovel his socialist sidewalk, then pay attention. Undiluted Hate Wall “Homosexuals corrode society from within and their degenerate heads deserve to be swinging at …

RON SCHALOW: Is Rob Port Really A Cambodian Water Buffalo?

We can’t discount the possibility. I know you’re saying, “I wouldn’t read his shoe size.” Or, “Who cares about Rob Snort,” but somebody has to keep an eye the scamp, so he doesn’t totally get away with personal shots of venom. Like his sucker punch of Jim Shaw. Shaw’s Saturday column in the Fargo Forum was an unambiguous middle finger …

RON SCHALOW: Bismarck Grabs More Local Control

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to choose. So far, because the Legislature said so, no city can conduct a gun buyback, set a minimum wage, take a pistol from a depressed man, ban plastic bags or hold a gay pride parade. The last one is still on their wish list. Kevin Cramer’s office calls every day to complain …

RON SCHALOW: Holier Than Thou, Part One

Our tattered blue laws have been a topic of biblical proportions in Bismarck, at least for the lawmakers with the highest morality index numbers, as determined by them. They number more than you think. Frankly, I don’t care if 98 percent of businesses were locked up on Sunday, or any other day of the week. Wednesday puts out apathetic vibes, …

RON SCHALOW: Legislative Road Apples

Liberty is not wearing your seat belt now. Not wearing one last month paled in comparison to the rush you get today. Just in case you were unclear as to the rules of liberty. I guess I was unclear about it, but some eloquent legislator said it was true. It seems like a low bar for liberty. I don’t know …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. Legislator Makes Nicholas Kristof Squeal

Rep. Luke Simons is perturbed to peaches. His House Bill 1381 aiming to permanently disallow any North Dakota city or one man’s last stand to form a government, from initiating a gun buy-back, ever, was called stupid by lots of people, including me, but this is the jab that got the young lawmaker worked up: Nicholas Kristof, a columnist for …

RON SCHALOW: A Cramer Replica

Fear not, if you were worried that Kelly Armstrong’s feet wouldn’t be small enough to fit into Kevin Cramer’s shoes. The wingtips feel fine. No room for growth, so perfect. Like Cramer and many others in his party, Armstrong will follow Donald Trump into the always popular “obese size” executive time tanning bed slash toaster oven to retrieve an unknown …

RON SCHALOW: White Nationalists Of North Dakota Beware

White nationalists and their ideological cousins on the far alt-right won’t like this. As climate change projections for North Dakota have shown, the state will warm; we’ll have enough moisture. Not so bad, eh? We’ll be an island of relative calm, at least in the early stages of warming, if we don’t immediately act to remove the excess greenhouse gases …

RON SCHALOW: There’re No Guns In Baseball

The gun activists in North Dakota are feeling the cattle prod after losing out on carrying a sidearm to “99 percent of everywhere” due to the unpatriotic nay votes in the Commie Republican Legislature. The guy who publishes the MinuteMan Blog is really steamed. How dare a legislator vote closer than usual to their conscience or as their constituents want? …

RON SCHALOW: Who Is The Loneliest Patriot?

This one has been in crisper for weeks and it still feels fresh to me. So the great patriot whips the bag of snacks to the ground, stomps the delicious Doritos into dust, then pours a can of motor oil on the mess. Because a kooky bill didn’t pass. “Is there any patriots in the North Dakota House? This pro-gun …

RON SCHALOW: Known Suicidal Citizens Allowed To Keep Guns

I’ll repeat that for the hard of listening. Known Suicidal Citizens Allowed To Keep Guns. Our Legislature voted down the “Public Safety Protection Order Bill.” “The ‘Public Safety Protection Order Bill’ (aka a Red Flag law) allows law enforcement or family members to petition a court to temporarily ban someone considered a danger to themselves or others from possessing guns.” — …

RON SCHALOW: Nullification Of The Future Directed At Fargo

Two bills aimed right at Fargo. Hardly a liberal oasis, but frightening enough that some paranoid lawmakers feel a firewall is needed to prevent any progressive action on the things they hold dear. Keeping workers poor — and guns. Any brand, weight or color. Any size, grip or muzzle. And don’t you forget it! Kevin Cramer was in Fargo without …

RON SCHALOW: N.D. House Bill 1160 Protects Gun Buyers From Discrimination

There used to be a bar in Minot called Tiny’s. A little shack of a place across from the fairgrounds. It might have been a tavern,  a pub or maybe just Tiny’s. Anyway, it was claimed that Tiny, who did in fact exist, did not allow anyone under 25 into his place. That was the word. He just didn’t like …

RON SCHALOW: The Republican Big Lie For 2019 Is Socialism

They don’t know the meaning of socialism and they don’t care what it means. Furthermore, they don’t want to learn the truth and they’ll label any Democrat they target with the American swear word, which will probably be the whole party. This isn’t the social media clods tossing around the socialist, communist and Marxist words to troll the libs. This …

RON SCHALOW: The Braveheart Of Bismarck

So, in the early half of Sunday the 10th, doctor and Rep. Rick Becker posted a meme on Facebook. Memes are evidently photos that convey what you’re thinking but could never find the words, or ever thought of one. Like a greeting card that punches you in the balls. Or provides a message of affirmation, whether you want one or …

RON SCHALOW: Trump Uses Federal Reserve To Launder Money

“How did you do the laundering, Mr. President?” “You see that? Pimento loaf-face press hack just harassed me. I, Donald J,  like the word jay. Trump. It’s the most shameful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life, and nobody knows more about shameful things than me, believe me. Tremendous high ceilings. It might be the most shameful thing ever, some …

RON SCHALOW: ND Legislature Bans Global Warming, Regulations And Elephants

(Satire) “Before the elephant gets in the room, we should make the room elephant-proof.” — Rep. Luke Simons, Bastiat Party (Not Satire) And I think that’s good policy for any room. Who wants an elephant in your room? Have you ever seen the size of those beasts? They’re enormous. And the aroma in close spaces would be unpleasant to the …