RON SCHALOW: The Congressman With The Chain-Link Head

When I was a youngster, chain-link fencing started to pop up on a few yards on south hill in Minot. I remember thinking, “Gosh, I hope no kids get trapped in there.” Then I saw the gate. They all had gates. What a relief. Easy egress. These were a noncage fences.

Now, when I was at the zoo in Roosevelt Park, I was happy that most of the animals were behind bars and magical metal wires woven together like fine linen. These animals were in what I like to call cages. The critters weren’t free to leave — or make long-distance calls.

They were cool about it, except for one bonobo named Arnie, with a species bias that really got him going. He kneeled every time they played the national anthem, which was played every time there was a ballgame across the street at Corbett Field. He didn’t like humans, Minot or the cage. Arnie also called it a cage. Everybody did.

The chain-link fences were ugly, but lawns and dogs need confinement. I guess the wood picket fences weren’t doing the job. Or maybe they were trying to keep me out. I will be posthumously outraged.

Most parents in the day preferred free-range children versus the caged ones. Wandering age varied, but I remember lots of little people like me, relishing their freedom on the mean sidewalks of 1960s North Dakota. Most little dudes were pushed outside after the first step.

Toddlers were on a short leash — or kept in one of those compact mobile jails with 17 toys. Infants spent nights confined to a bed brig with wood bars and only a nominal chance of escape without the proper tools.

Full disclosure: I purchased chain-link fencing about 35 years ago, but I did not incarcerate man nor beast with the steel wire. I’m neither proud or ashamed. And I had no personal affection for the product, which will be going up in price due to Trump tariffs.

Now for the horror. The ongoing imprisonment of brown children is a national disgrace.

Some pundits have suggested that this shameful episode is Trump’s Katrina. No. 4,600 Americans have died in the decimation of Puerto Rico by Hurricane Maria because the jackass chose to limit the government response. Puerto Ricans got a small fraction of the resources dedicated to Texas for recovery from Hurricane Harvey. All on DT’s watch.

Caging children is in a despicable category of its own. Some of these kids will never see their parents again. They’ll be scarred for life. The parents will live this nightmare, over and over. That’s fine with the Trump cult, including sycophant prince Kevin Cramer.

King Nitwit and his administration have offered over a dozen reasons why these kids were being shipped here and there without their parents. They blamed everyone but the racist in chief, the dumb one when Eric isn’t present. They lied and lied. Then lied some more.

And Kevin Cramer parroted the horse shit because he has staked his entire political future on the sex offending blowhard, who has no clue on how to do his job. So, Kev has morphed into the silhouette of the bloated Bronx dung beetle. Cramer knowingly told the same lies as the pompous pork loin and then made up some baloney of his own.

Cramer doesn’t care about the human misery. He only cares about Trump. He is concerned about Trump more than the people of North Dakota.

Furthermore, Congressman Kevin Cramer is not a bright person, I say with no due respect. He makes it impossible not to write about his silly antics.

Oddly as it turns out, no one in the history of time has more fondness for the steel chain-link fence, than Kevin Cramer.

Fencing, and calling it a cage, because the little ones were locked in … Is that Cramer’s major takeaway from the cluster-eff the country is witnessing? Afraid so.

Does the cruelty register? Cries of beautiful dark-haired littles? Nope. Just the use of an accurate word, and the snowflake is offended.

I was surprised about something, though. Somebody is actually listening to Scott Hennen and Rob Port. Port doubles as the teddy bear that Kevin weeps into at night.

This nuttiness has gone national, but Cramer’s comments bear repeating. He also has a fundamental misunderstanding of chain-link fencing, and fences in general. He thinks, among other things, that calling the fencing “cages,” is overblown rhetoric. That was also worth repeating.

Keep in mind that this master of gibberish once said the following:

“But by the way, did you notice how poorly several of them were dressed as well? It is a syndrome. There is no question, there is a disease associated with the notion that a bunch of women would wear bad-looking white pantsuits in solidarity with Hillary Clinton to celebrate her loss. You cannot get that weird.”

Actually, some Democratic women wore white as a homage to suffragettes and as a silent protest against “Donald the misogynist” during the state of the union speech So, Cramer, also a sexist, got offended by women not getting locked away and uses words like disease, syndrome and weird.

White pantsuits drive him nuts, but putting children in cages is normal to the Trump toady. He just doesn’t like all of the “hoopla” surrounding the inhumane imprisonment of children. Now that’s weird. Sickening, actually.

And ballparks are not cages. I observed or played baseball in hundreds of ballparks. Not once was I prevented from leaving. Did Kevin have different experiences? Where was this? Kenya?

Fences can be used to keep people or critters out — or keep kids in. It doesn’t matter that you can see through the cage. You can see through prison bars, too. Good gawd, dude.

And 67 percent of Americans find the whole mess repulsive. Not just liberals, as a grown man with a smartphone, and a staff should have known. But lying is more fun.

The kids aren’t crying because of the type of fencing that keeps them interned. It’s the separation from parents. Calling their situation as being in a cage is totally accurate. Is that too complicated for a U.S. congressman to understand? Evidently.

The president will be in Fargo next week. Trump will talk about Cramer, and his thoughts on cages, for about 30 seconds, when the cocaine kicks in. And it will be too stupid for words.

Likewise, I’m not even going to try to argue with the bizarre thoughts that run through the mind of the Cramer mastermind. You can read his exact words below.

Then, he goes on KFGO on Thursday and repeats the same nonsense. Kev didn’t get a different result, though, so that’s a red flag. And yes, you can see through his head. For safety reasons.

From Talking Points Memo

Rep. Kevin Cramer, R-N.D., pushed back hard on the idea that keeping border-crossing children in chain-link cages was inhumane, defending the practice in two local radio shows on Wednesday.

Cramer, who’s running against Sen. Heidi Heitkamp, D-N.D., in a top-tier Senate race, called the facilities “humane” during a Wednesday appearance on KFGO, a local radio station that broadcasts in the Bakken oil fields.

“By the way, chain-link fences are around playgrounds all over America, all over North Dakota. And chain link fences allow line-of-sight visual connectivity with children and families,” he said as he discussed reversing President Trump’s policy to let families stay together at the border.

“You know, there’s nothing inhumane about a chain-link fence. If it is, then every ballpark in America is inhumane.”

Cramer then went on to say he supported changing the law to allow families to stay together when they enter the country illegally and supported House Republicans’ dueling pieces of immigration legislation that are expected to receive a vote this week that would address this issue.

The comments came before Trump announced he’d reverse his recently implemented strategy of separating children and parents at the border with an executive order, reversing his previously held false position that only Congress could act to stop it.

Cramer doubled down on his comments when asked about them later in the day on WDAY, another local radio station, calling the focus on the cages “hoopla.”

“I think [chain-] linked fences is irrelevant to the crying of children. My commentary is on the chain-link fence,” he said when asked about the comments and whether he’d heard the audio of children wailing after being separated from their parents. “There’s all this hoopla because I think there are people on the left that clearly want the country to fail at this. And they would like the chain-link fence, they called it ‘dog cages.’ Well, chain-link fences have been used to protect children from predators on playgrounds, baseball diamonds, all sorts of sports courts and what-not. To me it’s not the chain-link fence, that’s not the issue. That’s a ruse by some on the left to try to create an image that’s far worse in description than it is in reality,” he said.

“The actual value of the chain-link fence is you could see through it, that’s the value of the chain link. If they put up a Sheetrock wall between the children and the workers, the people there to protect them, to me that would be far worse,” Cramer continued. “The chain-link fence, let’s not use that as some sort of a weapon. There’s a broader conversation about the separation of families in general, but as I’ve said before, that happens throughout the country many times. Kris (his wife) and I have been foster parents. We know all about the separation of children from their parents who do the illegal things, it happens in every city of the country every day.”

Senate Republicans initially had opposed having Cramer, a close ally of Trump’s, as their candidate for Senate precisely because of his penchant for controversial comments. After failing to find a better alternative, they circled back to him. Cramer initially said he wouldn’t run but changed his mind after Trump pushed him to jump into the race.

Cramer has since stirred up some controversies, including comments that Trump wasn’t campaigning as hard against Heitkamp as some other vulnerable Senate Democrats because “she’s a woman,” and sought and received an endorsement from a virulently anti-gay group that compares transgender people to pedophiles.

This is the latest instance of a remark that may generate some backlash. — Talking Points Memo

RON SCHALOW: American Horror Circus Arrival Imminent

So,  the well endowed Mar-a-Lago mermaid is coming to Fargo to scare the immigrants. That’s just perfect. Personally, I can feel an orange gelatin evil in the Force. And I’m not even one of those little green dudes. I’m just happy to know that Mark Hamill has enough cash to get by.

Anyway, the Mar-a-Lago manatee will be in town to fete the rare accomplishments of the junior congressman of North Dakota, the benign blotch under Trump’s left boob and former sex shop window mannequin, Kevin Cramer. Just kidding! Trump will be at Scheels Arena to flap his KFC gravy injected lips about his favorite person. Himself.

And according to reports, Old Bone Spurs is going to tell the cultists about the many occasions he had intentionally wandered into the women’s dressing rooms and leered at naked females at the beauty pageants he owned. Teens included. Just kidding! It’s true, but I guess he’s going to verbally deliver a hagiography of his new best pal and Rob Port’s long lost twin, Kim Jong-un, and brag about their signing of a Denny’s breakfast menu.

Their beady eyes met, they ran to each other through a field of daffodils, and there was a lot of circular dancing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Polka, maybe. We get it. Oh, he’s so smart. He’s so funny. K was so handsome at the mixer. Is he going out with anyone? Oh my, he’s in a fraternity?

Just shut up about Poppin’ Fresh. Nobody here cares about the little screwy haired troll. Besides, he had his frat brothers whacked, so they’re not that close. And North Dakota has more firepower than that evil little bastard buried in our dirt. Plus two Air Force bases that are above ground. Don’t tell Donnie, lest he get some warped ideas.

So, DT, please don’t tell us you HAD to kiss KY jelly belly’s ample ass to keep us from getting nuclearated. Just admit you had a love connection because no great deal-making took place in Singapore. That’s right, we were watching. And we don’t care if you were hungry. A regular-sized Snickers bar isn’t enough for our part of your sordid arrangement. Plus, it’s doubtful they have one.

We, and yes, I do speak for all North Dakotans, want to know about soybeans and the metal our manufacturers need to make big-ass machines, grain bins and horseshoes. You know, the asinine tariffs. Hand hold on your own time.

Someone will write a speech for the great pumpkin and put it on the teleprompter. Probably Stephen Miller, the anti-Christ’s little brother. Rumored. Just kidding! Steph is the real deal.

The words will be written for a fourth-grader because that’s the skill level of our POTUS. But as is his custom, Spanky will get bored, or get tired of the effort involved in reading, and go off on a wild sweaty adventure of lying, score-settling, name-calling, ass-covering, excuses, wild stories and self-back patting.

Maybe he’ll take this gem out for a spin.

While regaling a FOX stiff about his great achievements in Singapore, he simply made up an easily verifiable story about the remains of American soldiers still in North Korea, and their really old parents. Very old.

“We have thousands of people who have asked for that — thousands and thousands of people, so many people asked when I was on the campaign. I would say, ‘Wait a minute, I don’t have any relationship.’ But they said, ‘When you can, president, we’d love our son to be brought back home — you know, the remains.’”

Trump added the following flourish of bullshit. “I said, ‘Will you do me a favor (to Kim)? The remains of these great fallen heroes, can we do something?’ He agreed to it immediately. It was pretty great.” — CBS Los Angeles

Then, they shared a cheesecake and a small 3-gallon pitcher of melted Hershey Kisses. It was magical. We might even get extra bones. The teeny mass murderer has cornered the human remains market in the hellscape he helped create for his people. And how do they thank KJ? By dying of starvation. Ingrates.

Maybe Clownzilla will tell us about his close relationship with the white nationalists who adore him and other whites, mostly men, who feel like they’re being genocided because all shades of people have lived on this turf over the course of the last 10,000 years, and the less reflective ones make their lives suck, for some reason.

Mr. Trump, they won’t leave and let us have a white ethno-state and we’re sad. These ethno-idiots are the ones who don’t see the flaws in wall technology.

It surely would be a crowd-pleaser if the New York asshole would go into a full white grievance rant. I’m sure Pete Tefft, Fargo’s known activist for white people, as if he’s the only racist in town, will be there.

Tefft has a supporting role in the new documentary, “White Right: Meeting the Enemy.” He didn’t impress anyone with his intellect, since it wasn’t discernable. He and his tiki tot buddies are Trump’s superbase. None but 10 percent of Republicans waiver from Trump’s hip, but these maniacs are nuts.

Speaking of weasels, Rob Port spent the last six years, with steam shooting out all orifices and his brain cell fixated on Sen. Heidi Heitkamp. She won an election, and that hurt his feelings. Port permanently resides on Cramer’s lap and has done a 180 on Trump, since flirting with sanity before the 2016 election.

Cramer craves Trump, and Port needs Cramer, so the weasel got in line. Not so long ago, Robbie had strong feelings about dumbo, and the base they share, when he wrote:.

  • “Trump knows exactly how dumb his supporters are, and has manipulated their ignorance to great effect.”
  • “Trump seems content to pander to actual paranoid racists.”
  • “I do not think Trump should win the presidency, however. He’s an embarrassment. He is not fit to lead our country.”

So, Port’s a hypocrite, and if Cramer is a Christian, he’s not a good one. Not if he’s for cruelty to kids, and their families, and not helping people who find themselves as refugees. Neither is a shock. And no, feeding rich people doesn’t count, Kev.

As for Cramer, he’s a secure cowardly vote for anything Trump wishes. That’s all Don sees. Someone to do his bidding. That’s why he’ll waddle onto the stage. He’ll screw Kevin over at some point, just like he has to thousands of others.

Name one thing Kevin has actually done in the past six years besides bitch about pantsuits, and promise to discriminate against anything LGBTQ-related. Fashion tips and bigotry don’t count. I couldn’t think of any accomplishments, so I looked.

Three of Cramer’s bills have become law, and only one of them had any purpose. Rename buildings or make grilled cheese the national sandwich. I sure don’t care, but don’t say you’ve had any impact, Kev.

Cramer once arranged a science committee meeting to prove that Bakken crude doesn’t explode, even though Bakken oil trains were exploding regularly. There are tons of witnesses, photos and video, but the evidence didn’t convince oil boy. Harold Hamm isn’t the finance guy on Kevin’s campaign for the free key rings.

And yes I’m implying exactly what I’m implying.

Cramer didn’t want to run in a tough race for Senate in the first place, and he can’t decide if the people of North Dakota, Harold Hamm or Donald Trump changed his mind. Trump begged him, though. He’s sure of that much.

Scheels Arena is only 2½ miles from my home. It makes me itchy. But surely, the motorcade will come south on Interstate 29 from the airport, so I can extend a finger and take a knee at any point before the botox bomber turns off at 32nd Avenue.

Bonus: Gag reflex tester from the Rolling Stone. You know who said it.

“You know, no men are anywhere. And I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant. And therefore I’m inspecting it … Is everyone OK? You know, they’re standing there with no clothes. And you see these incredible-looking women. And so I sort of get away with things like that.”

RON SCHALOW: Tears Of A Clown Lover

Is the picture above worth a thousand words. Maybe. Kevin Cramer’s face is worth a thousand of something.

“But Donnie brought me to the prom, and now he’s standing with that short red-headed vixen,” is likely what he was thinking. The photo was taken May 24, 2018. I’ll explain why that matters in a bit.

Personally, I never want to see any woman standing close to Donald Trump, since the slime gets in the hair, and shampoo is useless against the goo. Plus, he might assault her. That’s the primary concern, I guess. I should have started with the sexual assault thing. Coal boy is a fargin grabby bastage.

And Heidi, Heidi, Heidi. Kick the hair whisperer in the balls. At the very least. That would have taken some of the edge off the heartbreak for me.

Rumsfeld shook Saddam Hussein’s hand in 1980s but didn’t knife him. Somewhat of a missed opportunity, wouldn’t you say? He could have saved us a lot of lives. And money.

So, Heidi is standing right next to a white supremacist. Possibly a few fine people. Great.

And there have been plenty of votes by Heitkamp that have been real punches to the gut for the liberal in me. What is an old guy to think? She should have kicked him in the balls.

But there’s this Cramer fellow, whose guidance counselor told him to start a small cult up in the Idaho mountains and hunt lib$%#@’s for sustenance. I think that is still a good path for him. Pack up the freeze-dried beef stroganoff and head west, young man.

But a senator? All Kevin knows how to do is yammer about Obamacare and make scrambled eggs.

That’s not going to cut it. Cramer can cuddle with the troika of darkness, Rob Port, Rick Berg and Scott Hennen, all he wants, but spending time with those jokers isn’t going to make Kev any smarter. They should join him at his new cult camp.

The chance of me voting for Cramer is right up there with the odds of taking a small meteorite to the gourd. And I would prefer the stony metal rock.

So, I’m not a purist. I know where I was born. I’m with the moderate. Not the fanatic. And not the lesser of two evils.

Heidi looks like she just realized that velociraptor is drooling right behind her. Where’s Laura Dern for crissake? “Maybe I can stab it with the commemorative pen. Just stay very still, I think is best.”

Heitkamp was standing in the worst possible spot in the room during this well choreographed signing of a giant Denny’s menu. If Wild Bill taught us anything, it’s never have your back to the door.

And nothing good ever happened hanging around with Don the Con, or anyone who requires six hours in makeup and hair engineering\ before shuffling on his bone spurs towards the light.

Since Heidi has a well functioning brain, she’s pondering at Vulcan levels. Cramer is working at Orc level at best. Not her actual thoughts, but probably.

  • “239 pounds? This fatass? Not in this century.”
  • “Another room full of nocturnal urinaters, again. Super.”
  • “Leg sweep, elbow smash to the spleen, and out the media door.”
  • “Oh, hapless Kevin, He’s not going to take this well. Maybe I should give him the pen.”
  • “I’ll bet they have a few defibulators fired up and ready to zap, in this room.”
    “Goddamn it! I left the mace in my purse.”

Poor Kevin was told to stand against the wall, like a common black man, an Indian (American or Indian) or a Trump secretary. The frisking wasn’t totally unpleasant, but he still looks unambiguously despondent. His mind is whirling with hypothetical thoughts.

“I’m not putting up with this. I want big D to be happy … buh, buh … nooooo. I can’t do it? I need him. I can’t walk away. I’ll be the best me I can be. Well, that won’t work, brain! Duh. I can’t do that. But she can’t have him, that’s for darn sure. Don acts like everything is fine. But Heidi can never love him the way I have. I’ll suck it up. But it’s so unfair. I’ve pelted him with diamonds and flowers, for Pete’s sake.”

“Little Red Riding Hood got to stand right by the desk. SHE GOT A PEN! Now, the temptress is right beside him. She can smell his special signing something cologne. It’s heavenly. Why am I way back here? I’m the one who votes with my Don 109 percent of the time.”

Anyway, this photo has some extra uncomfortable implications. One media outlet broke the story of Kevin’s pouting about Trump’s disinterest in his Senate campaign. Kev really put his foot down and still got screwed. Join the club, bub.

The picture was taken two days after Cramer’s whining, and then Trump stabbed him in the eye.

Trump doesn’t look like he had started caring about, or knowing of a Kevin Cramer. POTUS has children to separate from their parents and trade wars to start. Maybe old fish kill remembers being in North Dakota, but don’t bet on it. Could he be losing his conventional memory? His memory up until now has been mostly imaginary.

Excerpt from the Washington Examiner:

“KEVIN CRAMER WANTS MORE HELP FROM TRUMP TO BEAT HEIDI HEITKAMP”

“Rep. Kevin Cramer wants more help from President Trump as he accelerates his bid to oust Democratic Sen. Heidi Heitkamp in North Dakota.

“The Republican congressman delivered that message on Friday during a White House meeting with political director Bill Stepien to discuss his Senate campaign, GOP sources tell the Washington Examiner. Cramer led Heitkamp by approximately 6 percentage points in recent internal polling, and Republicans are confident about his prospects.

“But Cramer, heavily recruited by Trump, has been irked by the close cooperation between Heitkamp and the White House on some major issues. Cramer wants the president to provide a more demonstrable show of support for his candidacy in North Dakota, along the lines of a fundraiser or rally.” —  Washington Examiner, May 22, 2018

Rob Port expanded on the Examiner story, because he must:

“KEVIN CRAMER WOULD LIKE HEIDI HEITKAMP TO STOP BRAGGING ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH DONALD TRUMP”

The headline from the article is that Cramer apparently paid a visit to the White House asking them for more support. Though, reading the article, I’m not sure it’s so much a call for more support as request that Trump neutralize Heitkamp’s use of him in her campaign.

A week ago, Heitkamp’s campaign released a radio ad in which she touts how often she votes with Trump. She said she “worked with President Trump to get rid of unnecessary EPA regulations.”

“When I agree with the president, I vote with him, and that’s over half my votes,” Heitkamp continued.

That’s an accurate claim. According to FiveThirtyEight.com, Heitkamp has voted with Trump about 55 percent of the time, though that’s more than 18 percentage points less than the least friend Republican Senator (Rand Paul) who votes with Trump almost 74 percent of the time.

But if Heitkamp is going to invoke friendliness with Trump as a way to ingratiate herself with largely pro-Trump voters in North Dakota, what better way to rebut it than to have Trump himself fire back?

“Which is what I imagine Cramer and his people were doing in this meeting:” — Sayanythingblog, May 22, 2018

If Kevin Cramer didn’t know that Trump was a poor human specimen, with no character, with no shame and only functions for his own selfish interest, then he’s even dumber than I think he is. Or maybe that was the attraction. Either way, he only has himself to blame.

Bonus Crazy. I thought maybe Scott Hennen might finally apologize for his insanely misogynistic and homophobic comments a few days earlier, but I found this on his Facebook page, instead. He wants Heidi to back away from Cramer’s man, too.

“We’re in a sad state of affairs politically these days. Team Hillary/Heitkamp/Obama trash Donald J. Trump and fight every consequential policy. Meanwhile they lie and spy and try everything to bring him down. Heitkamp likes to try and stand close to Trump and brag about supporting him on a handful of bills that would pass with or without her. If she truly supported Trump she’d speak out against the witch hunt. Instead she is stone cold silent. Some support.

“Heitkamp and her liberal pals are bitter about the election and continue to ignore extraordinary accomplishments. And if they’d had their wish in Nov 2016, we’d have a disaster in America now.

“No fracing (sp). No coal. Allowing extremists to govern ag policy. Higher taxes. More Obama care. Giving Iran cash to build more nukes. Porous borders. Bad trade deals. Depleted military. Abortion on demand and taxpayer funds to Planned Parenthood. And many more.

“They want to return to THAT America. Do you?

“Tell Heidi Heitkamp, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama that we have had enough of their disastrous policies. It’s time they all retire to liberal manor.” — Scott Hennen

Oh, dear.

RON SCHALOW: Prevaricator Port — Featuring New Lies!

To review:

Rob Port is a blogger. It’s his calling, I guess. And Port writes plenty of things that just aren’t so. Fictional, as the English language puts it. I assume he tells the same stories on the radio, but the pitch of his voice makes my toenails recede.

Furthermore, Kevin Cramer’s loyal basset hound is not an expert on anything, although he likes to give that impression.

He has called for North Dakota State University President Dean Bresciani to be fired. Does Rob know the first thing about running a university. No. Learning. No. Did anyone care about his demand. Nope.

Walk onto a construction site, Professor Port, and make a few suggestions. Walk out of the construction site with an ass full of nails. Those men and women like their nail guns. Who wouldn’t? Port.

For Donald Trump, the unofficial psychiatric diagnosis is called narcissistic personality disorder — and a few other quirks. People are saying things. Except Port.

Many preschoolers think that Trump’s last name is “falsely claimed.”

Rob also scribbles a column for the Forum Communication Co., which is generally just a rewrite of one of his blog posts.

Or, as was the case this past Sunday, he copied off the paper of one his “associates,” as he calls the writers with education and talent. So, ForumCo blasts the blog posts and columns across the state, giving the lad a cred he never had. A paying job.

The Big P will intentionally fabricate, with full knowledge of his of his fib, or dream something up and presume it’s correct because, well, he’s Rob Port. Either way, he doesn’t care.

Port is the perfect example of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Dialed up to 10.

“The Dunning-Kruger research hypothesizes that the competent overestimate others’ skill levels. But the error is more complicated for the incompetent — they overestimate their own skill level and they lack the metacognition to realize their error. In other words, they were too incompetent to recognize their own incompetence.” — Patheos

Of course, as with most things, the Portweasel has problems understanding science. As climate change denier, he assumes that his Minot High School diploma trumps the doctorates of thousands of scientists because, well, he’s Rob Port. Old news.

Then, there’s math.

In 2015, the North Dakota Legislature, replete with Republicans, lowered the extraction tax levied on oil producers from 6.5 percent to 5 percent. It’s written down. But in defiance of mathematical absolutes, the groin-pull king repeatedly insists that the decrease never happened.

Explain it to him all you want, but his calcified brain cells won’t concede that 5 is less than 6.5. It’s pretty harmless, since only a moron savant could follow the machinations he went through on a legal pad to make the case that 5 = 6.5. Or even that 5 is greater than 6.5.

As deceitful as the tufted capuchin monkey, Robbie is bound by Dothraki law, too, shill for anything oily, including the North Dakota GOP, and Trump Jr.’s hair.

And this.

Since the Trump tax scam, the spin to make middle-income folks believe that they will personally see a gain has built up a lot of inertia. Higher gas prices will swallow most — if any — benefit, but that isn’t in the narrative. If Cramer howls to protect his position as one of Trump’s bestest benign moles, Port follows suit.

And it’s here where math evades him again, as Port tells readers: North Dakotans have gained the most “on average” of the states from the tax cut. Supposedly $2,100 each. But tiny bubbles doesn’t understand what average means.

Tell the lad that if 10 people get $10 to share, the average is $1 per person. Yet, the average is still $1, if one of the people gets $9, and the others get change. Like a marble countertop, nothing gets through, and Port will repeat the deceptive figures, over and over.

And the worst lie.

Pontificating about mental health and the nature of suicide is dangerously stupid.

On May 3, in Grand Forks, Astra Volk shot her three children, then herself, with a pistol she purchased the day before. It was a horrible tragedy.

Then somebody, on Twitter, or somewhere, floated the idea, that perhaps Volk shouldn’t have been able to buy a gun.

Port sniffed out that truffle and explained in detail why the gun was of no consequence to the murders and suicide. He is only a few thousand credits short of becoming a doctor, but lack of knowledge never slows the bowling ball down.

The sale was legal. None of her cries for help were answered, and she surely was not of a mental state to have a gun in the house, but the National Instant Criminal Background Check System database is in shambles (by design), and the Department of Human Resources in this state is being starved (by design), so Volk was missed.

Ideologues of Port’s brand are against such frivolous services anyway, so he cheers when any department to help people gets slashed.

Here’s the egregious falsehood.

Port, the MHS graduate, writes: “We should acknowledge that denying someone like Volk access to a gun does not mean we can prevent them from doing something to hurt themselves or others. Volk chose to inflict harm with a firearm. She could have easily chosen an automobile, as Susan Smith did in 1994. Or poison, as Therese Roever did earlier this year.”

The intellectual, in his own mind, doesn’t know what Volk would have done, minus the gun.

And that’s not how it works. I know this through personal trials and by doing scads of research over the course of decades. But I’m not a doctor, either, so what do authentic experts say?

“It is often said that people would kill themselves anyway, even if they didn’t have access to guns,” says Dr. Paul Nestadt, a postdoctoral fellow in the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health’s psychiatric epidemiology training program.

“There is an entire body of research that tells us that is simply not true.”

He pointed to previous research that found 71 percent of people acted on suicidal thoughts within an hour of having them.

“If there is no gun around, many people won’t have the means to follow through on those impulses, or would use a less lethal method with a much greater chance of survival,” Dr Nestadt said.

“Suicide is an impulse and can only be carried out by firearm if there is a gun in the drawer. Any barrier you can put up can work.” — The American Journal of Managed Care

This issue is way too complex for the amateur to diagnose. Shilling for the NRA doesn’t make you educated, or smart.

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Mimics Trump — Lies Like a Pro

It’s been quite an effing darn protracted loopy eon since “quick-draw” Kevin Cramer pushed all of  his chips onto the fuzzy orange rectangle. Except for the one he ate. It was an odd casino.

He’ll tell you that they were communion wafers. KC is religious, he’ll casually mention it, 3,000 times. But they were Cool Ranch Doritos, the most narcotic of the Ritos.

Cramer always puts ideology before godliness, though. Helping people in mortal need isn’t something he’s comfortable doing as a lawmaker. Food is for sissies and racoons. Teachings in the liberal Bible are for Sunday pretense.

Little did the congressman care, but Russian technicians were messing with the roulette wheel, and other Russians were populating the Trump campaign and visiting with the ultradeep state Iranians. Deducing that Trump is going to blow the whole thing up, the Iranians are pulling for the mad king.

Dividends took a little longer to development, since Vladimir Putin originally hired a couple of Russian roulette experts, and they showed up, eager to pull some triggers. It was a funny anecdote to share. For one of them. The other was probably due to be poisoned anyway.

Anyhow, the Russians got their act together and fooled enough gullibles to win the bet for Cramer. Thurston Howell III told lies to his pasty white base of Tiki tots and dominated the news with at least 17 stupid/offensive comments per day.

Draft dodger Donnie, the most objectionable polecat in the whole history of this country, became alt-right Kevin’s forever man-crush. It has been magical. Harold Hamm is swell, too

In this dystopian era, where grown men dive over hard plastic furnishings to retrieve a $5 baseball and ideologues run amok and run for Senate, Cramer has decided to run against Hillary, Obama, Schumer (Charles and Amy), Pelosi, LBJ, FDR, DOS and Obamacare. The mystical boogiemen ghosts of bullshit past. Heidi Heitkamp is his actual opponent.

It’s the only way to go, for a congressman, who has nothing to run on, except for his creepy adoration of a racist.

If Cramer stands next to anyone at the urinal, it’s a town hall. If he goes on air with one of the Trump bobos, like Rob Port, Chris Berg or Scott Hennen, it’s a town hall. Then, there is KNOX in Grand Forks, and a true believer with a radio station in Harvey, N.D., by the name of Rick Jensen, I think. Kevin keeps track of every encounter, It’s like bragging about the number of bullheads you fished out of the Mouse River.

Then, there’s the Heidi 💜 Hillary meme, which without irony, the Cramer campaign comes right out and says that because Heidi pulled for Hillary, the most qualified candidate by the width of Don and Rob’s hindquarters, and who spent most of her professional life as a lawyer, advocating for children, Heitkamp no longer has North Dakota values. But the New York sleazeball does. Fifty-seven percent of Americans don’t think he’s honest. Such malarkey.

Is Cramer saying that dishonesty is a North Dakota value? Or adultery? Seems like bad messaging.

Heidi and Hillary are moderates, not that grandma Clinton matters, since she isn’t in the game.

Donnie spent his adulthood mismanaging his inheritance, avoiding STDs, prostituting his last name and cheating as many people out of their money as possible. Trump University wasn’t the half of it.

Cramer is all too oily (Hamm residue) to not intentionally say false stupid things, following in Trump’s clown shoes.

Heidi did not, nor could not, repeal your temporary tax cut. That’s a lie, Kev. The tax scam is permanent for corporations, though.

And all of us were called deplorables. So sad. It’s not true, though. She said half. Evidently, Cramer feels like he and his base are in the basket.

“You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right?” Clinton said. “The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up.”  — Time

Heidi also voted favor of late-term abortion, according to the holy one. Not true either.

There is no such thing.

“Though many media reports and other literature use the phrase ‘late-term abortion,’ it is not accurate and should not be used,” Hal Lawrence, M.D., executive vice president and CEO of ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists ), said in an email. “A full-term pregnancy is defined as a pregnancy with a gestational age between 39 weeks and 40 weeks, 6 days. ‘Late term’ refers to a pregnancy with a gestational age of 41 weeks to 41 weeks, 6 days. Abortions are not performed at ‘late term.’” — Cosmopolitan

How many procedures has Trump paid for? Who could guess? The Yellow Boy has paid his way out of every inconvenience.

Kevin Cramer is a liar and has adopted some cretinous values. More lies will be coming.

I’ll end with a too late suggestion for Will Gardner. Just walk in. Why stand out in the cold?

“I remember putting on my dress really quick because I was like, ‘Oh my god, there’s a man in here,’ ” said Mariah Billado, the former Miss Vermont Teen USA. Trump, she recalled, said something like, “Don’t worry, ladies, I’ve seen it all before.”

TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — Another Kerfuffle

I’d like to begin this week by saying, “That darn Heidi Heitkamp.”

I’m referring, of course, to last week’s column in The Forum in which Mike McFeely ever-so-gently, in his curmudgeonly way, suggested that fellow columnist Rob Port might try writing about someone other than Heidi Heitkamp.

Like maybe Joel Heitkamp. I mean, I ain’t exactly Sherlock Holmes, but if I were going after dirt, I’d start digging in his backyard. Someone once asked Willie Sutton why he robbed banks. “Because that’s where the money is,” he said.

Joel has more skeletons in his closet than Jeffrey Dahmer. Far be it from me to cast aspersions, but I had lunch with him once, and he ordered fava beans and a nice Chianti, and for the record, that’s not even on the menu at Burger King.

It’s true that Rob Port has broken more than a few news stories over the years, but so far, all he has on Heidi is that she cheated at Parcheesi in fifth grade, has too many freckles and is bad at handshakes. Meanwhile, I know for a fact that Joel Heitkamp once robbed Willie Sutton. With an AR-16.

You could write for months just about prom night. There’s a version of the Steele Dossier on the bathroom walls at Hankinson (N.D.) High School. Joel’s senior year reads like “Fifty Shades of What the Hell!?”

But you know what they say — “You can lead a columnist to water, but he probably can’t swim.”

Personally, I refrain from talking about other columnists except for Tammy Swift, who has the cutest curly blonde hair ever. And while I’m at it, I’d like to thank Roxane Salonen for casting out my demons — I’m a Republican now — and I’m really sorry about the carpet. Roxane is my spirit animal, which, if you think about it, is really messed up.

To paraphrase Ronald Reagan’s 11th Commandment, I believe one should “Speak no ill of a fellow columnist,” although these days in the White House I think it’s “Speak no ill of a fellow Communist.”

But I’m giving McFeely a pass on this one. This was more of an intervention. Not that I think Mike is the right guy for the job. If he showed up in my living room and gave me a hug, I think I’d start drinking more. They probably should have sent Roxane Salonen to Rob’s house. With a tarp.

This is getting worrisome. When Jake from State Farm called Rob and asked him what he was wearing, the answer was “Heidi Heitkamp’s pajamas.” That can’t be comfortable. Heidi is so folksy, she wears burlap, and according to the TV commercial I saw, Crocs.

If you dealt with as much chaffing as Rob Port, you’d lash out, too.

The problem with picking a fight with Rob is you’re going to need a thesaurus. (For you South Dakota State University grads, that’s not the dinosaur that ate the lawyer in Jurassic Park.) Rob has a propensity for using big words. Like propensity.

On this one, the smart money is on Port. McFeely knows just one big word. Kerfuffle. I don’t know what that is exactly, but it sounds like something you’d need a trained pig to sniff out in French forests. Or something you do after eating fava beans. Or a colorful nickname for an Austin Powers villain — Kerfuffle Carbuncle.

McFeely’s column went virus on the interwebs, but surprisingly, many liberals were critical of him. They weren’t exactly rushing to Port’s defense, but they felt that it was too little, too late. Apparently, McFeely should have attacked like a rabid dog (or Shawn Hannity) the instant Port showed his conservative leanings. Which was at birth. He only suckled from the right.

And the narrative is McFeely should have been even tougher on him.

Wow. Democrats have gotten so grumpy these days I can’t tell them from Republicans. Except in coffee shops and on the highway. At Starbucks, Democrats are the ones ordering soy caramel macchiatos, and Republicans are the ones making black people leave. Except for Kanye.

On the road, you can tell them apart because conservatives drive Cadillacs and liberals drive hybrids. Democrats will stop traffic to move a turtle. Republicans want to make it legal to drive over protesters or at least waterboard them.

One of my hobbies is cruising the Whole Foods parking lot with Make America Great Again bumper stickers. I put them on every Prius I see.

I slap PETA stickers on Suburbans parked at gun shops.

In my own small way, I feel I’m bringing us closer together.

© Tony Bender, 2018

RON SCHALOW: Poor Paranoid Lying Port

My buddy, Rob Port, used the coveted space for his Sunday column to set up a hypothetical Festivus pole, air his grievances and sob over his keyboard. My sources say he paced in the hall for a solid 45 seconds before getting winded and falling into a heap of self-pity. The feats of strength portion of Festivus was canceled, due to a lack of strength.

It is a Festivus miracle that anyone would waste money on this rube.

The headline and copy exemplified why he isn’t taken seriously, and many people consider him an embarrassment to the newspaper industry, worldwide, and Forum Communications in particular. I’m just generally embarrassed for people with no self-awareness or shame. Ferrets also have no self-awareness or shame. They are the Ports of the animal kingdom.

It’s as if he impersonated a real journalist and a real higher education expert, in a debate at Minot State University. Oh, right. Port did that and wore his finest checkered shirt and what appeared on video to be skinny jeans. The dull-witted one argued with people who have degrees up to their knees.

It’s doubtful that Port understood most of the words, but he was pleased with himself anyway. That’s the type of person we’re dealing with\ and partly explains his column of victimhood woe.

Let’s dissect this dead carp. Port’s words are in quotations.

“COMMENTARY: CRITICS CRY SHUT UP, BUT MY CRITICISM ON SENATOR IS SOUND”

What critic said shut up? He doesn’t know. Port’s Heidi obsession cannot be summed up as sound. It’s not. If you’re into the 109 degrees of separation game, laced with venom, Rob’s your dude.

“MINOT, N.D. — Sen. Heidi Heitkamp and her network of operatives and supporters are out to make me Public Enemy No. 1.”

The youngster never names any of these operatives involved in this conspiracy. He usually calls these imaginary people “surrogates.” The word surrogates, appears in 7,436 Heidi hit pieces.

And he isn’t No. 1. He wishes. Port’s just a lackey.

“The problem is that the senator’s approval numbers are tanking ahead of what promises to be the most vigorously contested election of her life.”

 The Portweasel just made that up. His mediocrity is the problem.

“The solution, it seems, is to paint yours truly as a big, bad bully who just won’t leave poor Heitkamp alone.”

The Portweasel just made that up.

“Remember, this is a U.S. senator we’re talking about. As one of just 100 members of that legislative chamber, she is one of the most powerful political figures in the country. She has a war chest stuffed with millions in donations which funds, among other things, a campaign staff eager to mau-mau anyone critical of their candidate.”

Mau-mau? OK. Port is eager to mau-mau anyone critical of Kevin Cramer. Kevin can say nothing too stupid to get the mau-mau thing from his third favorite media sycophant.

“Lately, though, Heitkamp has taken the posture of a victim in the face of criticism from me. Her staffers, who never bother to respond to my requests for comment or interviews, routinely contact my bosses encouraging them to shut me up. The state’s opinion pages frequently feature letters to the editor from Democratic operatives whinging on about a supposed “obsession” with the senator.”

Heitkamp has never mentioned the blogger’s name, to my memory, but Rob can fantasize about keeping her up at night. Heidi doesn’t consider Port at all. He’s a hack who thinks he deserves some respect because JoeMN, Orville and a small cast of turkey vultures,who circle the polluted pond on his blog, are waiting to attack anyone who might leave a factual comment. These mooks hang on his every word, or at least try to sound out the headline.

“Even my colleague, Mike McFeely, is doing his part for Heitkamp under the guise of promoting professional standards. In a recent column, he was floating the scurrilous idea that I might be paid off by Republicans. He claims that a political commentator like me writing a lot about a candidate in what promises to be the biggest political brawl in state history is somehow unbecoming of someone in our profession.”

McFeely is not Jr.’s colleague (that implies some level of equality), and he wasn’t doing anything on behalf of Heitkamp. And he didn’t float anything. As McFeely stated, readers have wondered about his obviously adhesive relationship with Kevin Cramer. How many lies is that, so far?

“There’s a simple explanation for why all of this is happening: My criticism of Heitkamp is sound.”

 No it isn’t. Sorry, you little hombre.

“It’s resonating with the public.”

It’s not.

 “It’s become inconvenient to Heitkamp’s efforts to get herself re-elected.”
Wrong again. Voldeport (copyrighted by Kris Wallman), thinks a lot of himself.

“Thus, it must be removed. Or diminished.”

Thus, the thin-skinned one doesn’t understand the issue. Drama queen.

“Hilariously, there seems to be little concern from my critics about the senator’s brother operating a Fargo-based radio station as a de facto campaign headquarters. When Joel Heitkamp was riding herd on Heitkamp’s opponent in 2012 — former Republican Congressman Rick Berg — there were no complaints from our friends on the left.”

Port complained, and since I listened to KFGO before that election (did Robbie?), and to call the radio station as a de facto campaign headquarters, is ridiculous. Another lie. I’m sure it sounded true during a fever dream brought on by mayonnaise malaise.

“The hypocrisy is so thick you could cut it with a knife.”

I love cliches.

“You’ll notice that the bulk of the criticism of my coverage of North Dakota’s U.S. Senate race is not focused on what I’m writing. There are few rebuttals offered for the points I’m making. Rather, we are being treated to tantrums from people who are upset that I’m writing anything at all.”

Also, not true. Weasel boy is throwing the tantrum in this comedy.

“I dislike dedicating a column like this to some food fight with a bunch of politicos and campaign operatives, but I felt I owed you, the audience, a rebuttal to the smear campaign against me.”

Gosh, thanks, I did feel owed. Port knows how to smear, but not enough people care about him to call anything a campaign.

“I choose topics because they matter. My critics want me to shut up because they know those topics matter.”

Another miss. Have another bottle of cough syrup.

“One truth I’ve learned in 15 years of writing about politics is that you usually get the most flak when you’re over the target.”

Writing is a strong word.

RON SCHALOW: Port And Cramer — Making Collusion Fun Again

I bought a gizmo that is supposed to drive away vermin by emitting a super high-pitched sound. I wanted a herd of hard-partying ants on a sugar high to take a hike. Or take a long walk off a short pier, like my uncles used to tell me on a regular basis.

It’s undignified to live with insects that strut around like they own the place. So far, all the annoying squeal (I imagine) has kept away are bears. White through black. Haven’t seen a one of them. The ants laugh and line dance on the gadget. “Boot Scootin Boogie” still haunts me, from a former life.

Speaking of bears, I imagine that some of the college-educated professional news people at the Forum and WDAY have also tried audio waves to shoo away the pesky amatuer Rob Port. The raccoon infestation has moved over to Broadway, but the blogger is evidently immune to good vibrations, toxic sprays and kites that look like dragons. Hang in there, people.

Aside from his calling them “colleagues,” which insults me and I don’t even work there, Port also has a neurological problem level of shrill repetition, with his topics.

HEIDI HEITKAMP WORE MISMATCHED SOCKS TO PROM!

WHO GAVE BIBI NETANYAHU A NOOGIE IN AN UBER? WAS IT HEIDI?

HIGH FOUR? IS HEIDI HEITKAMP TOO SHORT?

DOES RED CAUSE VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY? MY SOURCES SAY YES!

HEIDI TOOK A KNEE WHEN HER COACH SAID, TAKE A KNEE!

She’s a vicious red-haired she-devil, no doubt.

Obviously, Port writes his own headlines because no standard-issue person could concoct such clunky word strings.

One of his favorite heavily repeated themes is that Heitkamp is a big meany, and she will surely pick on the angelic Congressman Kevin Cramer.

Recently, Port posted the following:

“THIS IS WHY SENATOR HEITKAMP HAS TO MAKE VOTERS HATE HER OPPONENT”

“I’ve long predicted that the 2018 U.S. Senate election will be one of the ugliest North Dakota has ever seen.” (Now, that’s some fine punditing.)

“Part of the foundation for that prediction lays in the way the incumbent, Sen. Heitkamp, campaigned in 2012. She ran a VICIOUS campaign that year, BRUTALIZING her opponent Rick Berg with her surrogates painting the man as a “slum lord” and worse.” (Robbie made the wrong prediction and has been pouting about it ever since. Berg claimed that Heitkamp wanted to disarm our military, so Port can hang his hat on that gem.)

Furthermore:

“But if she can use her millions in out-of-state contributions to turn the race into referendum on what an awful person Congressman Kevin Cramer is, maybe she can win.” (Well, he is awful.)

And:

“She’s a gifted politician, she has millions from out of state donors in the bank already, and she’s proven to have FEW SCRUPLES when it comes to SAVAGING her political opponents.”

So, because the smiling, smarmy, smirking Cramer would never resort to running a negative campaign, little Port has taken the initiative to pick up the slack with the scruple-free, vicious and savaging of Kevin’s opponent, Heidi Heitkamp. Chris Berg and Scott Hennen help.

And Cramer has a standing spot on Port’s radio show. I wouldn’t listen if threatened with a push into a pit crawling with saw-scaled vipers. But it’s hard to stifle the commercials, and I can confirm that Robbie giggles like a little girl when he thinks he’s said something funny.

Of course, junior is also a flack for big oil, the North Dakota GOP, pipeline companies and downtrodden wealthy corporations.

He prefers provocative statements for headlines that aren’t proven in the copy or don’t match the content of the post. But it doesn’t matter.

While being indoctrinated in government high school, he might have been told that 60 percent to 80 percent of readers peruse only the deceptive headline, and Forum Communications allows him three or four headlines per day, which enter the bloodstream of the organization.

Many take Port’s headlines as gospel. It’s an insidious way to push an agenda. He can come up with any dribble that leaks out of his ears without any pushback.

Port also misrepresents the facts on a regular basis. Opinion is one thing, math is another. As is science. Truth supersedes ideology. Port is a liar. The match with Cramer makes sense.

But the deceit never gets corrected. He just moves to the next sham Heitkamp scandal. Try digging through her garbage, you little brown-nose bear.

TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — From Soup To Nuts

I had a pretty good week. My lawyer, Sly M. Ball didn’t get raided, and his paper shredder is working just fine. It’s powered by a V-8 Cummins, which gets terrible mileage, but thanks to the rollback of fuel efficiency standards, he won’t have to deal with a solar-powered model.

The problem there is twofold. First of all, most of the shredding takes place at night, and then there’s the issue of sun pollution. Solar panels attract way too much sun and are a major cause of global warming. If there is such a thing. And we know there isn’t because we’ve had a long winter in North Dakota. Case closed.

But I digress. This column is headed in more directions than a presidential tweet.

My point is, Sly is a great lawyer — the kind of guy who would reach into his pocket and pull out $130,000 or brass knuckles, whatever’s necessary, while performing the Art of the Deal. He’s a lot like a Boy Scout — always prepared, evolving on gay rights, and loves animals.

Take for instance the time I got a little behind on “insurance” payments. A lot of guys would have gotten rough, but you know what, Sly didn’t even bring it up. He just dropped off a fresh 5-pound carp wrapped in the fake New York Times and scratched Gus The Wonder Pug’s ears. “Nice pug you got here,” Sly said, “It would be a pity if something happened to him.”

Not many guys care that much. Anyway, the debt is settled. Mexico paid for it. And I’d like to say typing is not impossible without thumbs, butIdostrugglewiththespacebar.

Another big break I got last week was that I wasn’t mentioned in James Comey’s new book. He had a whole chapter on hand sizes, and I think I would have measured up if not for the absence of opposable thumbs.

Comey might be the next James Joyce, but because of his disloyalty to President Trump, he deserved to be fired. It’s like that time I got pulled over exhibition driving. “Where’s your sense of loyalty, officer?” I said. And then I fired him on the spot.

But there’s good economic news out of Washington, D.C. EPA Director Scott Pruitt is single-handedly driving down housing costs in the swamp by negotiating a condo rental from a lobbyist for less than the cost of a room at Motel 6. Motto: “We’ll leave the interrogation light on for you.”

Then, budget hawk Paul Ryan retired from Congress after the Congressional Budget Office calculated the nation could celebrate it’s first trillion dollar defecate in 2020, a celebration that could be bigger than the bicentennial. Instead of confetti, we’ll throw soybeans because we’ll have a lot of them. Said Ryan between squats, “My work here is done.”

Meanwhile in North Dakota, the Republican Deep State held an impromptu pillow party for Tom Campbell, who offended Gov. Burgum by trying to buy an election. He and Kevin Cramer were also upset about Campbell attempting to circumvent the sacred GOP convention process. I’m not saying things got swampy, but Campbell had to waterski home.

Campbell won’t be running, but there will be an ethics measure on the ballot, a concept so puzzling to Republicans not even Rob Port could come up with the definition. “It is a precipitous conundrum of the adjudication of the delineated hypotenuse of misanthropy,” he said. “And frankly, I am outraged, something … something … Heidi Heitkamp!”

Al Carlson was equally outraged when he heard about the measure. “And who’s gonna pay for that?” he demanded. Not Harold Hamm, that’s for sure.

© Tony Bender, 2018

RON SCHALOW: Don’t Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor Or Anyone Huddled

I don’t like to brag, but I’m not a white supremacist.

I’m a pale pinkish beige, touch of gray, slight kale-green hue supremacist. Gray geese, they call the two of us in the press, although, honestly, they don’t pay any attention. Effing chromos, otherwise.

Me, or I, except after c, and the other bloke in the mookie genus, Roy, are part of this microscopic first cousin tendril of the standard Caucasian, like you see wandering around looking up at the sun during an eclipse.

No offense to nitwits. I’m not a racist. I’m the least racist Kodachrome who ever existed, except maybe for Roy. Tough call. He hollered obscenities at a White Snowy owl once, but the bird probably had it coming, considering it latched onto Roy’s head. It dug in pretty deep, so it must have planned on staying for a while. Roy looks a lot like a fence post.

Some of our earlier relatives were pretty rabid racists, though. For instance, Brita. “Filter,” they called her, used to shout, “you effing sapiens. Go back to your “shithole.” But she could pass for white in the sunlight, so she doesn’t count. Some garish cosmetic-laden, pumpkin-headed lard a$$ grabbed Brita’s p**** one time, and she made him eat the Russian wife catalogue in his coat pocket, with no condiments. Also a coffee table.

Roy and I come from a long line of off-brand genetic northern heavyweights, including Ragnar Lodbrok and Eddard Stark, as far as anyone knows. Roy brags a bit, and gets downright militant at times, but we usually just do a little bleaching and blend in with the white people. Our meetings suck. Point of order! Point of order! Shut the eff up, Roy! Give me that gavel, you effing mook!

Roy’s prickly personality has led to a good stoning on several occasions. It’s never seemed to bother him, though. Tough skull genes. He’s lost a few eyebrows.

We held a rally once, followed by a walk for Kodo justice, but we barely got a block before Roy spots some bad hombre down on one knee, and loses it. “You ungrateful SOB,” screams Roy before he coldcocks the poor sap. It turns out the dude was in the midst of a major heart attack. Who knew it could be so complicated to spot a myocardial infarction from 50 yards? Anyway, the drama got thick. Roy grabbed a flight and is currently selling LED light bulbs in Puerto Rico. Better than being deported to Mitchell, S.D.

But Fargo resident, Pete Tefft IS a white supremacist. He’ll argue otherwise. But he’s aggressively white supremacist. Trust me. Any brown people introduced into the country, by birth or immigration, is just another excuse to scream “white genocide” for this dangerous nut. It’s a bright red flag at the least. He lurks around Chris Berg’s POV page, waiting for the tossing of the red chum.

Not that it makes any difference to him, but sepia-toned, and other shades of brown humans, have been on this dirt for over 10,000 years, and many more nonwhite, non-Christian types have showed up and settled, long before this space was a country. And many came on one of the delightfully torturous and mandatory death cruises. This hemisphere never met Pete’s expectations.

Tefft calls himself a “pro-white activist,” which in Fargo doesn’t even merit a torch lit 5K — or a pancake feed. Only the altos feel like they’ve been trodden on for their skin color. The others are tailgating.

People in Fargo, including me, have referred to Tefft as our resident white supremacist. If only that were true. Pete is just tip of the iceberg with a defective haircut. Do you just goose-step into the nearest Cheap Cuts and ask for a Herr Himmler?

Alt-right dolts have permeated the country. But few altos show up at a women’s march looking for attention like Tefft. The misogyny runs strong in the cult. Ninety-nine percent of the yokels stay dormant, like devious cancer cells, until summoned. I’ve heard a tremendous tuning fork is involved. There’s always a humming in my head anyway. The dog whistles are less subtle, and the beast has risen. Then, there is the president, who just flat out spits the racism right at the camera lens. For some, this a feature not a bug.

In Fargo, the severe right flock to the usual online places, for a shot at feeling superior. KVLY and POV-something are always good for some race baiting headlines, as are Scott Hennen’s Facebook page and Rob Port’s Fargo Forum- owned blog, where they outwardly cheer the Tiki tots of Charlottesville and continue to bitch about Obumble. Port is a peach, except for his dishonest pit. Port and KVLY have banned me from their sites. Probably a good move.

  • Acceptable comment on Port’s blog: “Speaking of fun, i am trying to decide what to do with my first month of my tax cut. Maybe a new drone or a neon sign for my bar room. I need those things more than some 400lb ghetto whore needs her food stamps.” Warning: Not all of the comments are this classy.

Anyway, the first thing to establish for racists is when commenting on any topic, is that you’re not a bigoted racist and whine about probably being called a bigoted racist by some cuck officially with the “intolerant left,” then proceed to act like a bigoted racist. There’s a manual on 4Chan.

Thankfully, like everyone else, all alt-righters are not alike. It’s a buffet. Some believe there are people who identify as transgender because it is trendy. Others don’t know what those words mean. It’s a cornucopia.

Having an attitude problem with refugees, dreamers and natives, in particular? Those are the big three in North Dakota. A red-faced disdain for any type of immigration — and indigenous people — is all you need. You’re set. It’s like a starter kit for racists. The professional race experts who have never been south of Oakes, N.D., like to toss in Chicago, Baltimore, Ferguson and the words “inner city” to show off their memorization skills.

Oh, and the wall. It will make us safe from something, maybe Mexican bears, even though humans have been outsmarting tall barriers for a few thousand years. Outwitting a fear exploiting Trump wall should take a minute. The chain migration whining is BS. Even the few lottery recipients get vetted for years.

We’ve managed to keep tourism down, though. Less stolen hotel ashtrays, I guess. “Marge, let’s go visit that place where the creepy racist lunatic liar runs the show. Whatta you say?” “Shut up, Marvin. You’re an idiot. At least we’ll be safe in Mexico.”

White nationalists, neo-Nazis, Donald Trump supporters and the KKK. Think of the picnics. Swastika tattoos for the kids, crotch grabbing and zero for the cucks. Porn stars. Hankies for the incels who claim  “involuntary celibacy” because of SOCIETY, man. Sob. Alex Jones might be there. Maybe Steve Bannon. BYOT — Bring Your Own Torch.

“White identity” is under attack by multicultural forces, you know. Altos hate “political correctness” and “social justice.” Lib%$&#’s, dem@—!^%’s, and progs are frowned upon with a white hot passion. Boo to “establishment” conservatism. “Jews won’t replace us.” Some also vilify women, especially those pushy feminists. “Femoids” refers to women these rubes consider nonhuman. Deep undercover. Muslims, and anyone who isn’t as straight, as the alt-righters believe themselves to be. There are only two genders because they say so, and saying otherwise confuses them, more than it should.

They have their own language. Like Trump.

  • Fun fact: Stephen Miller, Donald Trump’s Igor, does cameos on cop shows, as the sheet-covered body. Lifting the linen, revealing his dead empty shark eyes, scares the dogs, and they butt their heads into the TV, so they stopped uncovering Steph’s face. Especially troubled were Mexican Chihuahuas. They waited 1,400 years to bite the first European to wade ashore, and they are genetically predisposed to clamp onto the tibia of racist humans.

For all of my years in North Dakota, we’ve been trying get people into this state. Bribing them, if necessary. Now, it depends. Fargo City Commissioner Dave Piepkorn and Rep. Chris Olson, and whole pack of others with at least one good opposable thumb, want to know, as Olson claims, what is the “absorptive capacity” of a town as it applies to legal refugees with a darker tint than Edgar Winter. Or Olaf, for younger readers. Rob Port discovered, through one of his anonymous sources, that Olaf is actually a fake fictional character and is frankly animated, and professionally so. Damn California leftists.

Piepkorn just wants to know how much these people with pigmentation cost the city. He never says, “if anything.” Breitbartism is alive and well in Fargo.

Whoa, let’s just do a cost-benefit analysis on everyone. Send Port a bill for the wear and tear he’s been putting on the sidewalks in Minot. Unreliable sources tell me he walks the town in a disoriented state nightly. He could be smoking too many bowls in a sitting.

Unvetted people are driving into Fargo every day. Some fly. We need to stop every moving van headed our way before the interlopers put in an arugula garden and start brewing deliciously hoppy — with a lemony tang — craft beer. Our city borders are leaking like the Trump White House. Roy was as lazy as 45 easy. But he split without a debriefing. He made good money, so despite his relaxed state of being, his tax contributions put him the plus column.

Such bull$#!*. Nobody wanted to know the “absorptive capacity,” of anything, when the oil patch was teeming with thousands of workers, many who drove their old pickup, all the way from Kentucky, only to find they didn’t have a job waiting. Lot’s of them ended up broke and homeless. Did anyone ask how much these poor people cost Williston?

Did we “absorb” the pimps, drug dealers, thieves, and other crooks who always follow the money, without a hitch?

C.S. Hagen did a research piece, published  in the High Plains Reader, called “DISLIKE” (available online), which identified nine North Dakota politicians who identify with the alt-right.

All of the state representatives listed are also “coincidentally” in the “Bastiat Caucus.” The “Whitesnake Caucus” was already taken, or so many people might say. The next step, obviously, was to look for names in 19th century France.

  • Congressman Kevin Cramer; aka “the barnacle on Trump’s racist ass.”
  • Rep. Rick Becker.
  • Rep. Luke Simons.
  • Rep. Chris Olson.
  • Rep. Daniel Johnston.
  • Rep. Dwight Kiefert.
  • Rep. Sebastian “Seabass” Ertelt.
  • Fargo City Commissioner and Fargo Deputy Mayor Dave Piepkorn.
  • Burleigh County Commissioner Jim Peluso.

I have no doubt that more altos have weaseled their way into our Legislature and other offices, but nobody is bragging about it. Some will rail against the leftist scum, cuckservatives, government lib%$^*s, snowflakes and, of course, the feminists involved in the “New World Order.” They also abhor pedophilia rackets in pizza shops and Hillary’s emails.

I don’t think those in Al Carlson’s “Angry Dinosaur Caucus,” even know what’s transpiring. Al is my representative, and he even answered one of my emails. I was flattered. He wrote, “I’ll get back to you.” Of course that was four years ago, so Carlson might be having trouble working his email machine. Fingers crossed.

Anyone who thinks that allowing less people into our country — Judy Estenson, chairwoman of District 23 of the North Dakota Republican Party wants that. She said so in the Forum. I’ll wager most the North Dakota GOP feels the same. — is going to help anything, is full of liverwurst.

Besides being a plus to our economy, it’s the right thing to do. Save lives, reunite families and provide opportunity to deserving people. It’s not like we’re short on space.

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“An April 2017 analysis by the Government Accountability Office found that in recent years, 73 percent of terrorism fatalities were caused by “far right wing extremists.” — Washington Post.