Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Prevaricator Port — Featuring New Lies!

To review: Rob Port is a blogger. It’s his calling, I guess. And Port writes plenty of things that just aren’t so. Fictional, as the English language puts it. I assume he tells the same stories on the radio, but the pitch of his voice makes my toenails recede. Furthermore, Kevin Cramer’s loyal basset hound is not an expert on …


Unheralded

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Mimics Trump — Lies Like a Pro

It’s been quite an effing darn protracted loopy eon since “quick-draw” Kevin Cramer pushed all of  his chips onto the fuzzy orange rectangle. Except for the one he ate. It was an odd casino. He’ll tell you that they were communion wafers. KC is religious, he’ll casually mention it, 3,000 times. But they were Cool Ranch Doritos, the most narcotic …


RON SCHALOW: Kevin Cramer’s Criminal Choice 

There are many public servants and oil executives to blame for their silence but only Kevin Cramer, Mr. North Dakota way, thinks he deserves a seat in the United States Senate. So, he has to answer for his failures. “It took “more than 1,000 firefighters from 80 different municipalities in Quebec and from six counties in the state of Maine” …

RON SCHALOW: Poor Paranoid Lying Port

My buddy, Rob Port, used the coveted space for his Sunday column to set up a hypothetical Festivus pole, air his grievances and sob over his keyboard. My sources say he paced in the hall for a solid 45 seconds before getting winded and falling into a heap of self-pity. The feats of strength portion of Festivus was canceled, due …

RON SCHALOW: Port And Cramer — Making Collusion Fun Again

I bought a gizmo that is supposed to drive away vermin by emitting a super high-pitched sound. I wanted a herd of hard-partying ants on a sugar high to take a hike. Or take a long walk off a short pier, like my uncles used to tell me on a regular basis. It’s undignified to live with insects that strut …

RON SCHALOW: From Adultery To Zinke

Holy moly, where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday, Ryan Zinke was on North Dakota soil. Yes, THE Ryan Zinke. I still shiver at the thought. The ethically challenged secretary of the Interior — most in the Cabinet are corrupt, so it’s no big deal — was smack dab in Grand Forks, to fire up the Republican …

RON SCHALOW — In Defense Of The Mythical Burger Flipper

Mop a mile in my skilled shoes. I’ve wet mopped (soaked and soapy) a distance equal to the miles between Regina, Sask., and Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, 14 miles wide, and then went back over it with a dry mop to remove the soapy dirty water and leave the floor free of footprints. It could take two passes. Craftsmanship …

RON SCHALOW — Meet The Bastiats

“But how is this legal plunder to be identified? Quite simply. See if the law takes from some persons what belongs to them and gives it to other persons to whom it does not belong. See if the law benefits one citizen at the expense of another by doing what the citizen himself cannot do without committing a crime.” ― …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Can’t Worship Trump And God

Well, he has been, so I guess it’s possible, but it doesn’t seem proper to a hyena-fearing person like me. Maybe “shouldn’t” is a better word. Kevin Cramer’s intoxicating “piousness cologne” doesn’t quite overwhelm the stench of the $#itholes that Donald Sr. dug here and there and has been filling with “Trump Tators™” for most of his life. From the …

RON SCHALOW: Don’t Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor Or Anyone Huddled

I don’t like to brag, but I’m not a white supremacist. I’m a pale pinkish beige, touch of gray, slight kale-green hue supremacist. Gray geese, they call the two of us in the press, although, honestly, they don’t pay any attention. Effing chromos, otherwise. Me, or I, except after c, and the other bloke in the mookie genus, Roy, are …

RON SCHALOW: Partners in Slime

I’m all a flutter waiting on Kevin Cramer’s big decision. Actually, my heart does have a slight flutter. I should have that looked at. Anyway, our lone congressman needs to decide whether to run against Heidi Heitkamp for her Senate seat, or shoot for another two years in Congress. Anyway, the Cong … Whoa. Wait. Cramer just decided he wants to …

RON SCHALOW: Dope For An Old Dope

It was a dark and stormy ni… d’oh. Wrong story. Actually, it was a cool and calm evening, with a cloudless sky and a full moon. Hardly the point but worth noting. I and an associate were attending one or several parties in Bismarck. It’s not clear how many, but liquor, my favorite liquid at the time, was served. My …

RON SCHALOW: American Gun

Is it still too soon to talk about guns — and the slaughter in Las Vegas — or is too late? Who makes the timing rules? I think it’s Sean Hannity, who is in some unholy alliance with Bobo, aka the president of the United States, who is so short on brain juice that he’ll believe or lie about damn near anything. …

RON SCHALOW: Port Whine, Part 4 — Failing Up

Rob Port is hot, and not just because his defroster is stuck on high in the minivan, and certainly not due to any physical activity. The Forum Communications golden boy is moving on up to the east side of Minot, to the land of Oley, Roscoe and the stockyards. Or so I’ve heard. No one knows why. He’s a great …

RON SCHALOW: Picky Patriotism

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” We would chant this oath every morning in the first grade in 1962. I was happy to do it, not that I had a choice. Stand up, face the …

RON SCHALOW: The Men In The High Tower

The North Dakota Republican Party put all of their gold coins on the Camarillo White Horse in the 5th race on the 7th fairway. “North Dakotans elected President Trump because he promised to enact policies that would improve our economy, make our country safer, and improve the lives of folks here at home,” said North Dakota GOP Chairman Kelly Armstrong. …

RON SCHALOW: The White Nationalist Next Door

Several days after my birth, we were driving home, up the big Third Street hill in Minot, and I was listening to Eisenhower speechify on the radio. It was a bit staticy, but I remember it like it was just several minutes ago. Frankly, he was boring. President Ike was still in his first term and pledged to remain ever …

RON SCHALOW: Nazis Wear Lederhosen And Dance Funny

While browsing through pictures of the racists who $#!* on Charlottesville, Va., and who misappropriated a perfectly innocent backyard implement for lighting ambiance and the repellent of some insects (for evil and poorly choreographed parading, which probably voided the damn warranty), I noticed a few things. This was the least superior gaggle of goose steppers that could have been scrounged up. …

RON SCHALOW — If The Pillowcase Fits …

A few years ago, before the Fargo Forum’s Rob Port banned me from his brain cell-resistant Sayanything blog Facebook page, I found myself politely conversing, for my part, with a Grand Forks member of the III percent right-wing militia group. He cursed like a wet pirate with R-rated dagger wounds. I was soooo frightened, but I pulled myself together with …

RON SCHALOW: Port Whine, Part 3 — Blusterbum

It’s been a tough few weeks for North Dakota media star Rob Port. He was outed as an unwitting copy machine (an HP, I think) for the DAPL propaganda team. Voldeport has absolutely no idea which words he published to advance Energy Transfer Partners, and his pal Kelcy Warren’s, interests, were true, and which were false, and probably doesn’t care. …

RON SCHALOW: Port Whine, Part 2

In Port Whine Part 1, the Mediocre Years Continue; we learned that famed blogger for Forum Communications, Rob Port, is not a peachy guy, smears private citizens without a thought, happily publishes unsubstantiated propaganda and considers himself “one of the most consequential reporters/commentators in the state.” I consider myself a large ill-tempered racoon, with Vick’s VapoRub issues. Also, this series …

RON SCHALOW: Port Whine, Part 1

I’m not sure how many days since Rob Port, famed columnist, political pundit and radio personality was featured on the Forum’s front page, but I’m still blind in my left eye. Seriously, I was a little startled to see Port’s mug on the front page of the Fargo Forum, for more reasons than one. Port’s visage always makes me jump, …

RON SCHALOW: The Usual Suspects

“How did you find me?” hollers Orville, and grumbles, “You skinny, long-haired, libturd. You just can’t leave me in peace, can you?” Stanley looks around. “This was the only bar in town with a yacht in the parking lot, with plates that said BIG ORV on them. Stealthy. This joint is much nicer than your last haunt. I see they’ve …

RON SCHALOW: Enjoy This Excerpt From Ron’s Book: ‘Perfect Whack Jobs’

Forward: Over 8 million people in the United States have suicidal thoughts —  also known as suicidal ideation — at least once in any given year. For a large subsection of this group, the thoughts never go away, mainly due to chronic depression or bipolar disease. This describes most of the characters in “Perfect Whack Jobs,” a dark comic novel. …

RON SCHALOW: Kevin Cramer Must Go — Part 2

The last time we checked in with Congressman Kevin Cramer, he had recently voted for a health care bill that was so deplorably cruel, even Donald Trump called it “mean.” And old road kill cranium has skimmed charity dollars from kids with cancer, so that’s saying something. Who read the bill to the president is anybody’s guess. On May 6, …

RON SCHALOW: Kevin Cramer Must Go

It’s not even a close call, so save the coin toss. Cramer takes North Dakotans for granted and assumes he’s in a safe district. Why, because he’s such a charmer? Guess again, smirk-boy. Smug-boy. Whatever. I’m older than the kid, so I can say that. Plus, I don’t care. I don’t feel any pleasantness oozing from my aura. After decades …

RON SCHALOW: Paranoid Politics Behind The Refugee Hubbub

The repugnant grabby Donald Trump, with a white nationalist on his staff, wasn’t the first loudmouth reality TV star, or low-watt nativist leader, to figure out that fear is a great motivator — and vote getter. Unsavory foreigners are pouring across our borders by the thousands for crissakes, don’t you know. Believe me. Are you jumpy, yet? I’ve heard they’re …

RON SCHALOW: Love, American Style

Stan shuffles into the dark bar, stands still for a minute to let his pupils expand, and waits for the blindness to dissipate. Then, without moving, he hollers, “ORV! ARE YOU IN HERE?” A strange voice answers from the shadows. “Which Orv are you looking for? “The ornery one.” “Oh, he’s sitting at the bar.” Stan shuffles over to the …

RON SCHALOW: Oley’s Naked Gun Pander

Just in case the few hombres who feel the need — some have legitimate reasons — to carry a concealed pistol underneath their cardigan while walking the street of Pisek were thinking that the Republicans in the Legislature hadn’t gone the full mile, to fulfill their every whim, they need not worry. Minot Sen. Oley Larsen stepped up his game. …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer Loses Control Of Entrance To Fargo Office

At noon Friday, about 40 of our most dangerous citizens left their natural Caribou Coffee habitat and descended on the building that houses Congressman Kevin Cramer’s Fargo office at speeds nearing 25 mph. Their watches were not synchronized — or necessarily correct. Some were just winging it. Mostly women, but a few men, stood as people do and occasionally flashed …

RON SCHALOW: The Emperor Has No Feathers

I’ve had some bad weeks. One August, I lounged on the deck of a pontoon in the sun so long that my shins and feet were seriously burned. There was smoke — and not the medicinal kind. I was in pain for at least a week, and gentle I had to be, to get the old shoes on. The hair …

RON SCHALOW: Port Fiction

Ruth Buffalo wrote a perfectly sane, accurate and compelling letter-to-the-editor a few days ago, but the truthfulness was more than the Ward County Red Snouted Port could bear. Sad. I have never met Ruth Buffalo, but I know she is very smart because I can read and comprehend. And educated. She is also quite pretty and has a beautiful family. …

RON SCHALOW: The Congressman Wears Prada

Donald Trump was standing at the podium, addressing a joint session of Congress, explaining to the American people how badly the State of the Union sucked, and they best hide. Stupid Kenyan! He gazed to the right when some of the Democrats laughed after a sentence because the words were so absurd, based on reality, it was impossible to muffle …

RON SCHALOW: Cramer vs. Cramer

Congressman Kevin Cramer, rumored to be Donald Trump’s new hairdresser —Have you seen 45’s new flattop? He sets his Twitter phone up there — came to Fargo on Thursday, at the invitation of Indivisible FM — leftist lost souls, according to Scott Hennen, the legendary mellifluous voice of the guy you hear for a second while fiddling with your radio dial. …

RON SCHALOW: All Vegetables Matter

I’ve lost several minutes of sleep over the past few weeks, and I’m sure that others were also on edge. The freedom of something was on line. Our food, it turns out, to my surprise. I looked in the fridge. Everything was fine there, but then I learned that criminality was taking place in all corners of state, but nobody …

RON SCHALOW: The Scream

I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m an angry lib!@$#. And I’m hardly the only one. A serial liar is President Trump, which I find disconcerting, but it doesn’t bother smarmy Congressman Kevin Cramer, the whole of the North Dakota GOP, and 39 percent of Americans. Maybe some haven’t heard the news, and maybe some think all news is fake because the …

RON SCHALOW: The Fake Language Of Hate

I’ve been called many things in the last half-century. I suppose “shallow’ has gone on the longest, since it’s so clever. Adults still jab me with that mortal Italian dagger wit — I can barely feel the blade filet my … spleen? I went by “crash” for a time, which was neither derogatory or complimentary. Simply fact that need not …

RON SCHALOW: Exploding Trains Aren’t Funny

For some reason, many people, including North Dakota legislators, think that trying to get the Bakken oil producers to “stabilize” the crude and THEN put it in the railroad tanker car is a big joke. I didn’t coin the phrase “bomb trains.” That label came from the within the industry because they knew. It’s just good ribbing, though. I’ve been …

RON SCHALOW: North Dakota Republicans Say The Darndest Things

Humans vaulted, or quietly tiptoed, to the top of the food chain when our brains evolved enough to overcome our 1,246 physical shortcomings, including subpar vaulting, which the other critters made fun of, before having a quick snack. Generally, we’re slow, with poor climbing skills and buoyancy issues. We couldn’t catch much — or escape much. And being tender and flavorful …

RON SCHALOW: Kill Bill 1427

Considering that the whole of North Dakota Republican officeholders backed the callus free lunatic with the “narcissistic personality disorder,” who likes signing large menus — with covers made out of baby dolphin skin and then waving them around like he’s bringing in a airliner, it stands to reason that the North Dakota GOP and white nationalists would be on the …

RON SCHALOW: Liberty Loving Legislators

It’s hard to keep up with the North Dakota Legislature, since the idiotic bills shoot out faster than Donald Trump running from a Syrian toddler. The kid was “yuge.” Believe me. Then, you add in the daily hijinks and lies of our new administration in D.C., and you have a bottomless stockpot of rancid confusing soup and a small slotted …

RON SCHALOW: Port And The Pips

It’s bash the refugees season again. We have one every month, so you never have to take down the decorations — or buy new torches. This time, it’s in the form of North Dakota House Bill 1427, introduced by Republicans Chris Olson, Rich Becker, a pair of Koppelmans and four others. As always, they say they just want to know …

Ron Schalow: These Melons Aren’t Ripe

“Orv, are you still fuming about not being invited to perform at the inauguration?” asks Stan. “You can still do that thing, right? Very entertaining, as I don’t recall. Was it a card trick? Was it an egg yoke? Hee hee.”” “I told you to shut up,” grouses Orville. “I’m busy drinking and thinking.” “That was three minutes ago, if …

RON SCHALOW: Why Skip Some Background Checks?

After several years of watching British cops shows on Netflix, something finally dawned on me. Years is generally the time it takes for me to have a good dawn. Anyway, like American cop shows, a detective is running down a suspect, and he — or she — has the criminal, punter or wanker basically cornered, but they have to go …