Hey folks, if you’re like me, a natural social-distancer, not much has changed except now I have an excuse.
Well, OK, a few things have changed. I’ve had so much time on my hands I actually felt compelled to bake bread last week — beer bread, specifically. I’d still be in the kitchen, but I ran out of Grain Belt. And that’s how riots begin. If you, too, have run out of beer, you might find this pop quiz a welcome distraction.
1. Reason to protest during the pandemic:
a. “We’ll lick doorknobs if we want to.”
b. “Want to show off my Glock.”
c. “You can’t tell me what to do with my body.”
d. “We’re out of Grain Belt.”
2. Hollywood hairstyle making a comeback in isolation:
a. Britney Spears Post Meltdown.
b. The Phil Spector Story.
c. Planet of the Apes.
3. What your dog is thinking:
a. “Be careful what you wish for.”
b. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I’m a good dog.”
c. “Doorbell! Doorbell! (on television) Do something!”
d. “You spelled R-I-D-E wrong.”
4. What your cat is thinking:
a. “This looks like a good place to barf.”
b. “Get up! It’s 4 a.m., and we’re burning daylight.”
c. “I’m purring now, but two hours after your last breath, I’ll be gnawing on your arm.”
d. “Let me out of the damn box, Schrodinger!”
5. How will we know when it’s safe to go out again?
a. When Carol Baskin is safely behind bars.
b. When Nickelback disbands.
c. By carefully researching Facebook memes.
d. Flip a coin.
6. When will spring finally arrive?
a. Next summer.
b. When Al Roker gets a contract extension.
c. When we’re finally willing to throw a billionaire into the volcano.
7. It’s in short supply now that people are home more:
a. Baking supplies, but it’s the yeast of our worries.
b. Garden seeds.
d. Air pollution.
8. The proper name of the virus is:
c. “Just the common cold, folks.”
d. Chauncey J. Winkerbean.
9. Acceptable attire when working from home:
b. Work pajamas.
c. Something Goth.
10. What Snoop Dogg did on 4/20.
a. Fought the law and the law lost.
b. Same old, same old.
c. Ate 23 Double-Stuf Oreos.
Bonus: Where is that missing sock?
a. Out cheating with a tube sock.
b. Ask Schrodinger.
c. In Kulm.
d. Witness protection program.
All right, let’s see how you clowns did. Answers: 1. c; 2. d; 3. c; 4. a; 5. a; 6. d; 7. c; 8. c; 9. d; 10. a. Bonus: a. Scoring: 11-9. Why are you wasting your time on this? Get in to immunology. 6-8 correct: Close enough for rock ’n’ roll. 3-5 correct: For a six-pack of Grain Belt, we can do something about that grade. 0-2 correct: Even my cat got a 7.
© Tony Bender, 202
Tony writes two weekly columns; this one appears in weeklies in North Dakota and South Dakota and in some dailies. Bender owns two newspapers in Ashley and Wishek, N.D. www.mcintosh-star-tribune.com. He also writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum Communications.