ICYMI: Our president willingly offers up the 73rd clue for historians to ponder regarding his emigration.
- “Fake news. You don’t have this problem with Russia, we have. You don’t have it.”
That was Donald “Forest Expert” Trump amiably chatting up Vladimir “The Impaler” Putin for the microphones and sounding too sadly envious — for my taste — in his despair of not being able to murder reporters since the crime is frowned upon in America in some liberal quarters.
He had on his big dopey smiley face for the Poot. People say that DT puts in a new set of dentures every morning so he is always at the maximum glow to scare away the nocturnal raccoons that get into the luxury garbage at Mar-a-Lago without a membership.
But somebody’s not conflicted enough — for my taste — even for a human as objectionable as Trump. I won’t miss him, but he could try to humor us and show just a little bit of loyalty.
“Bend the knee to an enemy nation on TV? OK, I guess. Vlad? Are we good on that thing? Should we just sit over here, sweetie? Boy, this one should generate a lot of outrage, eh V-dog? I wonder where the girl’s dressing rooms are?”
For good reason, we’ve never had a president who openly admired the cut of a murderous adversaries jib. Poison jib. There might have been a few garottings, but I don’t know how many methods Putin’s used for killing journalists.
The Donald refers to legitimate media as “the enemy of the people,” but Trump has a crush on an unambiguous enemy of the United States where media members get snuffed.
He wants to be like Vlad. If Vlad had his own sneaker line, Donnie would buy a pair and stand outside of the Kremlin waiting to shout for an autograph.
Nobody was surprised to see DT groveling in front of Putin because he does it every time they meet. A small percent with a lot of guns are hoping Putin can help Trump trigger a race war and they enjoy watching the giggly fireworks between the couple.
Others are counting on Trump to usher in the end the world because who else?
Like a particular marginal high school ballplayer with whom I sat on many a dugout bench, Trump gloms onto the talented and popular clique of players and you can see it from a mile. Sad. They know it and the jerky ones tease the boy because he showed his weakness with his daily tap dance to gain their approval. No dignity.
Trump is the self-involved president doing the “Curly Shuffle” for the murderous Putin. For us, he drops his drawers in public and points his wrinkled ass at everyone because he doesn’t care if we know he has the hots for a cruel KGB vulture.
But the president knows his time with the base is coming to a boil. He may need to grab his go bag and leave before the federal marshals get involved.
And Russia ticks a lot of boxes for the power-starved lump of clean coal.
Who can see Trump looking directly into the eyes of Chuck Todd with his left eyeball while his right eye drifts upward to admire Chuck’s bangs glue-sticked to his forehead and saying, “I like those odds and white people and I don’t know anyone named Epstein you smartass.” “What?”
Of course, his official announcement will probably occur on a phone call to “Fox & Friends”:
“I see you have a great crowd there, Duece. Is there usually three of you? What a turnout. Your ratings are going to go through, uh, the top of your house. The fake media will say there were only two of you there to see me. I’ve saved the country and now the baby-killing Democrats have spoiled it. It’s a disgrace and treasonous. Plus, you can’t turn around in Florida without some Negro, that’s what they used to call them in the fruit0infested press and socialist union meetings. Most people don’t know that and then a Negro told everybody that they didn’t care for that word and la de da, it mostly got scrapped.
“Our Trump economy is the envy of a world far far away, perhaps the greatest economy we’ve had in the white history of our country. The fact is, the American Dream is back, it’s bigger and better, and stronger than ever, before. 2016 was not merely another four-year election. They don’t have political correctness in Russia, I call them the Russians, but here, we should be ashamed that a man has to change his vocabulary and it’s been difficult for a lot of people, mostly farmers I think. I’ve been difficult for a lot of people on a scale never seen before. I miss Roy Cohn. Everyone of any fame — I qualify in spades — the reds love me more than anyone in their history, has at least six good cronies. Roy Cohn was the best. He was an SOB. The other Cohen, Michael, I didn’t know him too much for years. This was a lucky defining moment in American history that I came along to save the nation from the Kenyan. Don’t ask me why. Ask them right there. No president should ever have to go through this torture of having my words recorded and read aloud again. It is so bad for our great country.
“Russian’s life expectancy is only 70 and I’ve already beat that. I’m robust. Our hopes, the great hopes. Our patriotic movement has been under assault from socialists and recording devices since the very first day. I accomplished more of something than any other president has in the first 2½ years of a presidency and under circumstances that no president has had to deal with before because we did in the middle of the great and illegal witch hunt, things that nobody has been able to accomplish, not even close. Nobody’s done what we have done in 2½ years.
“We went through the greatest witch hunt in political history. But now I have tanks and I don’t know how to drive a car and the only collusion was committed by the poverty-stricken Democrats, the fake news media and their operatives and the people who funded the phony dossier, crooked Hillary Clinton and the DNC. It was all an illegal attempt to collude the results of the election spy on our campaign, which is what they did and subvert our democracy. We call it the Russian hoax. Vote, erase your legacy of the greatest campaign and the greatest election, probably in the history of the world, and they wanted to deny you the future that you demanded and the future that America deserves, and that now America is getting.
“Our radical Democrat opponents are driven by hatred, prejudice and rage. They want to destroy you and they want to destroy our country, as we know it. Not acceptable, it’s not going to happen. It’s not going to happen. They don’t give a rip about this church and state nonsense either and they don’t take any crap. No haters allowed I want to be there when the world ends.
“I’m being historical with the Negro thing when I speak in my lyrical way. Some tried harder than others. Again, it’s called political correctness, so call me a racist because you bad fake news guys do already.
“So anyway, I turned around one time and walked right into a wall after I heard about the damage in Puerto Rico and snapped uncontrollably. I was very sad for the 16 deaths on my watch and impressed with myself. Just for the record, there’s nothing in the Constitution about soap or toothbrushes. Nothing about water or diapers.
“I like the whiteness of Moscow. No environmental concern at the Kremlin because they know everything is a hoax over there.
“Did you know that more people approve of me than want me back as president? Oh great. Another movie I didn’t get, proving that smart people don’t understand them all. Amirite?
“Why do I get all kissy face with Kim Erica Jong and stand on the Imatolda’s Perchinski hose? You’re standing there, right? But whenever you turn around and the historically nonwhite person is standing there with something on a silver platter. I don’t know where they come from. Anyway, I’m moving to a resort with a championship golf course that is barely radioactive on the Russia riviera. Don’t call.”
Russia is definitely the right fit for Trumpinski, the future oligarch. He has lots of criminal friends over in the European part of the country, so a Boris might not jam an icepick in his ear.
And even if he is in love with Kim, North Korea is no place for a white guy big enough to barbecue, not that anyone would carve him up. The well-marbled cloven-hoofed beast would be executed after his first tweet bitching about the portions.
Saudi Arabia is just too Muslimy for the xenophobe, as is America.
Don’t let the Gulfstream hatch hit you in the butt.