The year 2017 was the newsiest year on record according to statistics I just made up. Strike that. These are not alternative facts. This is based on actual gut feelings. And anonymous sources.
Seriously, the news lurched from one thing to another so quickly, reporters had to step up their cross-fit routines to keep up, although Rachel Maddow sounded like she was finishing the Boston Marathon when she breathlessly announced in March that she had Donald Trump’s tax returns. From 2005. Yeah, and I have a ticket stub from that Air Supply concert in 1983. (The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame can disrespect Air Supply all they want, but if there was more Air Supply music in our lives, opioid abuse would plummet. Just don’t operate heavy machinery after listening.)
Anyway, you know what’s coming — It’s the Official Tony Bender New Year’s Pop Quiz.
1. According to Chinese Astrology, 2018 will be:
A) The Year of the Dog.
The Year of the Weasel.
C) The Year They Drove Old Dixie Down.
2. When exactly did America become great again?
A) Roy Moore loses in Alabama.
Charles Manson dies, so he can’t be elected to anything in Alabama.
C) The clown from “It” loses narrowly in Alabama primary.
D) Auburn beats Alabama.
3. Things Cabinet members called the president last year:
C) Putz (golf terminology).
4. Conspiracy theorists are increasingly concerned about:
A) The Deep State.
The Dip Stick.
C) Deepak Chopra.
D) Deep Dish Pizza.
5. Things that have changed:
A) Orange is the New Black.
Orange is the New President.
C) Losing is the New Winning.
D) Fox is the New Pravda.
6. Things to be drained in 2018:
A) The Swamp.
The Black Lagoon.
C) Your pocketbook.
D) The color from your face.
7. Top Excuses For Trump:
A) He was just kidding.
He’s not a politician.
C) He’s not a sentient being.
D) Hillary’s e-mails.
8. Reasons the FBI probe should end now:
A) Let bygones be bygones.
Trump bumped into Putin a few times, so collisions, yes. Collusion, no.
C) It’s expensive, and rubles don’t grow on trees.
D) We’re not done talking about Benghazi yet.
9. Changes of geography:
A) Jerusalem is the new capitol of Israel.
Geographic center of North America moved from a Robinson bar back to Rugby, N.D.
C) Half of that ditch is now cropland.
D) Transgender Americans have no place to pee.
10. More likable than Sarah Huckabee Sanders:
A) A rabid skunk.
Evil flying monkeys.
C) Vlad the Impaler.
D) Kidney stones.
BONUS: Proof global warming isn’t real:
A) It snowed.
Dog paddling polar bears are imagining things.
C) Acidic oceans are caused by hippie freaks.
D) The poles can’t be melting because there are no poles because the earth is flat.
Answers: 1. C; 2. B; 3. D; 4. C; 5. D; 6. B; 7. C; 8. C; 9. A; 10. C; Bonus D. OK, let’s see how you did. 11-9 correct: Nice but don’t you have ulcers from keeping up on all of this? 6-8 correct: Fine, but an end zone celebration? Really? 3-5 correct: To take this test in Spanish, please press 2. 0-2 correct: Next time I’ll write slower so you can keep up.
© Tony Bender, 2018