UNDERGROUND BUNKER, MCINTOSH COUNTY, N.D. — Hi folks, it’s your intrepid reporter. I’m still hunkered down, clinging to my guns and my Sports Illustrated.
I don’t care if we’re in a State of Emergency. (Play ominous organ music here.) It’s football season. In that regard, it is a personal emergency. My fantasy football team is so iffy, I may be the first person in league history to lose his house.
Speaking of big money, it looks like it will cost taxpayers $6 million to defend a Texas billionaire’s pipeline against the likes of master criminal Amy Goodman (a.k.a. Thelma), who is on the run with Jill Stein (a.k.a. Louise), in a blue 1966 Thunderbird convertible.
At last report, law enforcement had followed a trail of pink spray cans to Amidon, N.D., where the “unlawful, threatening, intimidating and dangerous” duo were holed up in an abandoned OfficeMax, throwing bottles of dried-up Wite-Out at officers and shouting, “Come and get me coppers!”
I don’t get out much, so most of my information comes by Morse code. It gets confusing because sometimes I have a woodpecker hammering away on the cellar door. Technically, I can’t call this journalism. But it’s accurate enough for conservative talk radio — and your average official press release.
Also, this just in, authorities are still seeking the whereabouts of individuals with EIGHT LARGE WOODCHIPPERS, who along with attack horses, “unlawfully and violently rioted and assaulted” saintly, God-fearing security guards who were minding their own business at a company picnic. Pepper spray is great on potato salad.
The Morton County Sheriff’s Department has spent so much money on gas, last week it dug in its heels and refused an invitation to a protest at the Sacred Stone camp, where thousands of indigenous people are maliciously praying for Washington quarterback Kirk Cousins to throw 3.8 billion interceptions. And also for clean water.
The protesters took their march to the cops in Mandan, N.D., a town ironically named after one of the tribes that graciously stepped aside in the interest of Manifest Destiny. I consider this a breakthrough. A fiscally responsible protest. Cost-sharing. People helping people.
Unfortunately, this Brotherhood of Man is being portrayed in the “unlawful, threatening, intimidating and dangerous” liberal media as Big Oil colluding with an ethically compromised government to bulldoze the rights of Native Americans.
Photoshopped images of dogs eating protesters, brought to you by the wizards who faked the moon landing, have inflamed sentiments all the way to the United Nations.
This is killing tourism. Oh, Josh Duhamel will still visit, but Fergie and her lovely lady lumps won’t. The only bright spot — and boy, are those spotlights bright — is the strategically placed roadblock, south of Mandan, that has snared every evil-doer in the state, except Thelma and Louise. One guy is doing eight to 10 for a dirty license plate.
The scene reminds me of the opening credits of “Hogan’s Heroes.” All we need is a drum and siren soundtrack. And more cowbell. Veterans of the Cold War have been flocking to see it because it reminds them of East Berlin. There’s even a taco stand on the corner. It’s operated by an elderly couple from Eureka. You get a free fleischkuekle with every six tacos.
But there are subversives everywhere. Someone keeps painting, “Water is Life,” on the concrete blockade when Sgt. Schultz isn’t looking. At first, they blamed the infamous hacker group, “Anonymous.” Later, they realized it was signed, “Unanimous.” No one reads cursive, anymore.
This movement is going virus, as the kids say. In an apparent show of solidarity at the University of North Dakota, some students have abandoned racial insensitivity toward Native Americans in favor of racial insensitivity toward African-Americans. Progress.
There’s nothing like pasty-faced teens of Nordic descent in blackface to inspire confidence in the next generation. One of them may grow up to be the next Al Jolsen.
I’m proud that UND has become a shining beacon of hope for understanding between cultures.
As the water protectors prepare for a hard North Dakota winter, many white people have contributed money, clothing and essentials. You won’t blame them for being a little suspicious of the blankets, will you?
© Tony Bender, 2016