A grave crisis is upon us. All hope for social order is gone. All is lost. Like the Missile Gap that nearly led to nuclear annihilation 60 years ago, there is a Toilet Gap in America.
Oh, sure, we could be talking about the national debt, underfunded social programs for an aging population, a moribund economy, global warming (or global cooling, if you’re Kevin Cramer), but that’s small potatoes compared to the need for comprehensive bathroom legislation.
A commonly accepted figure is that there are 350 million toilets for 320 million people in America. So how could we possibly not have a enough toilets to serve the estimated 700,000 (0.02 percent) transgender people?
Simple. We have vastly underestimated the number of people pouring into America from our Southern border. To complicate matters, all of them are transgender. Some of them, I assume, are good people. I think we can all agree this is the most logical explanation.
Panic may be our best option. You have something like a 1 in 457 chance — a mathematical certainty — of encountering a transgender person out in the wild. But how will you know? They are masters of disguise. Look for the ones doing the hippity-hoppity potty dance outside public restrooms, trying to figure out which one they can use without being arrested.
Comparatively, according to the National Safety Council, you have a 1 in 358 chance of dying from assault by a firearm. If not for confusing Common Core math standards, we could easily calculate which is more likely — dying in a hail of bullets or sitting in a stall next to a transgender person. I think we can safely say it’s a tossup. In either case, we are doomed.
With those harrowing statistics to consider, it is imperative we learn how to identify a transgender person. They are usually in stealth mode. Frankly, that’s the trouble. They often blend in so seamlessly there is no way to easily discriminate, er, I mean distinguish them from anyone else. If only they would wear burkas.
Really, you don’t know for sure until you get to third base and then what if a guy unsuspectingly touches another guy’s Johnson? It automatically makes you gay. There’s no going back. You can identify as straight all you want, but science is science. It’s in the Bible.
I, for one, applaud Republicans who have put forth dozens of bills in at least seven states, including North Carolina, to put a stop to bathroom lawlessness. Some say government is the problem. But here is a classic example of our government solving real problems.
Under new legislation, you may only go in the bathroom specific to your gender at birth. A birth certificate at the door should do. That will effectively keep President Obama out of any public bathroom in a red state, making it less likely he would bump into Larry Craig or Denny Hastert.
In North Carolina, a child advocacy organization found 98 percent of assaults involved a family member or friend. Two percent involved strangers. Of 850 children interviewed over two years, the number of transgender bathroom assaults was zero. This is miracle legislation. It solved the problem even before it was passed.
While staunch conservatives are on the front line of this issue, heroically evacuating unsuspecting Americans from bathroom danger like Churchill at Dunkirk, what are liberals doing to stop transgenderism? Nothing. Acting like “The Dude” in the “Big Lebowski.” Smoking marijuana. Watching “Ancient Aliens.” Talking on their free Obama Phones. Buying lobster and kale with food stamps and following Bernie Sanders around like he’s The Grateful Dead.
And furthermore, what’s Bernie Sanders doing about this? Nothing. Talking about income inequality, Wall Street shenanigans and the high cost of a college education. None of this matters if we don’t get this bathroom thing figured out.
We cannot deny this is a full-blown epidemic of perversion. Hey, “Epidemic of Perversion” — that would be a great name for a rock band. Dibs.
You may be sitting there, comfortably reading this saga on your commode — and if you are, you need more fiber in your diet — but this crisis is closer than you think.
Why, recently a woman was tossed out of a Garth Brooks concert at the Fargodome for using the men’s bathroom. I’m sure you are as stunned by this as I was. Yes, people are still listening to Garth Brooks.
We desperately need bathroom reform. Once, purely out of desperation, I used the unoccupied women’s bathroom at a convenience store in Linton, N.D., which triggered an alarm and a three-day manhunt after I fled.
Helicopters … searchlights … bloodhounds … I spent most of that time cowering in a gender-neutral culvert, with a raccoon, numerous salamanders and a squirrel.
I’m telling you, if the guy would have let me into the men’s room, I would have done the right thing. I would have used the sink.
© Tony Bender, 2016